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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wanting to split, he wants me to leave the house

360 replies

SisterNight · 08/06/2021 11:09

DH wants us to split. We are joint tenants in a council property. DH works full time and I'm a SAHM. I had to leave my part time job 3 years ago on medical grounds due to my health. We have 3 dc. I have no family in the city we live in so would probably have to move back to my parents who live about an hour away. He works from home so is able to do all the school runs etc.

I have no savings or any income. I don't want to leave my children. I need some advice. Please help!

OP posts:
Dddccc · 08/06/2021 17:15

Sod that why should he leave either though just because she is the mother does not give her more rights over him what you need to do is both go to the council explain you are splitting up and need separate houses, you may have a battle on your hands because of your illness though as if you get so ill that you can't do school run or look after the kids what you going to do if you are by ourself also if you don't have a clue about bills you need to and fast

Sunnyjac · 08/06/2021 17:17

He wants to keep the children. He wants me
to leave.
What kind of bastard would kick his wife out and keep the children with no consideration for her contribution, wellbeing or the wellbeing of his children? Women’s Aid, council, benefits and citizens advice! You don’t have to go anywhere

Carriecakes80 · 08/06/2021 17:26

Dont leave, please don't. Those kids need you and you need your home. I am 40 and my Mum is STILL pretty much homeless, having to share with a husband she despises because hes such a bully and won't let her leave, sadly I can't take her in. Your home is precious, if he's unhappy, tell him to jog on and seek advice...please don't give up. It ends up even harder on the kids believe me!

Pops042020 · 08/06/2021 17:27

You need to go on turn2us calculator and work out how much benefits you will receive living on your own you should be entitled to full housing benefit which will cover the rent on your council property plus around £200 for each child plus child benefit and then you'll get a little for yourself. I work 20 hours and get these benefits for me and my daughter then they take 60p for every pound I earn
You'll be probs better off financially on your own he's sounds like a nob!

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 08/06/2021 17:33

@Dddccc

Sod that why should he leave either though just because she is the mother does not give her more rights over him what you need to do is both go to the council explain you are splitting up and need separate houses, you may have a battle on your hands because of your illness though as if you get so ill that you can't do school run or look after the kids what you going to do if you are by ourself also if you don't have a clue about bills you need to and fast
She is a SAHM so the children (including her disabled child) have had her caring for them this whole time. She made it clear that even though she is unwell she does most of school pick ups and all the other childcare and domestic duties (including holidays). In what world would it be in the children's best interests to kick mum out and force her to try to find somewhere to live with no income (especially as husband is the one who wants to leave). What kind of continuity would the children get then?

Who would want to see the mother of their children forced into such an unpleasant and impossible scenario (as described by previous posters - 'intentionally' homeless, unable to private rent with no income or deposit, having to find a job after 3years that doesn't exacerbate health conditions, scrabbling trying to pay maintenance to husband who left her). The poor kids would see their mum in a right floundering state and lose their main carer (particularly important for the autistic child). Horrible.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 08/06/2021 17:34

Sorry, couple of typos

Sn0tnose · 08/06/2021 17:39

He is trying to guilt trip me saying I'm kicking him out the house that he's worked his arse off for How has he worked his arse off for it? You put your name on a list and if you’re lucky, you eventually get a house. The absolute most he’ll have done is decorate; well so what? How does that give him any more rights than you? He wants to kick you out of a house that you’ve worked your arse off keeping clean and tidy and a nice home for him and your children. He’s got nothing to be proud of and you’ve got nothing to feel guilty for.

I think he’s back tracking because someone has pointed out to him that he’s got no more rights than you. So he’s reassessing his situation. You cannot trust or believe a word he says. A matter of hours ago, he would have seen you out on the streets. Now he’s trying to make out that you’re ending things and kicking him out?!

AzureTwist · 08/06/2021 17:43

Sorry to hear this.
If you give up the joint tenancy will you get another council house?

I expect he wants you to leave so he keeps the council house and any benefits from having the children and will nit have to pay you any money.

Can you get your own private bank account and start putting money in there that he cannot see? Any benefit money. If you cannot work, what benefits can you claim.

scubadive · 08/06/2021 17:47

On absolutely no account ever walk out on your children, it will devastate them. You don’t know what he’ll tell them.

A friend of mine did this after her DH had an affair, asked for a divorce and she moved out as she couldn’t afford to takeover the mortgage. He told the children afterwards that Mum had left them and they didn’t want to see her.

It is emotional abuse what he is doing. Go to the council and tell them you need their help as he is abusing you and trying to force you out.

scubadive · 08/06/2021 17:48

Your DH probably won’t be entitled to a council house by himself and this is why he’s trying to force you out. He is using the children to keep the house

cansu · 08/06/2021 17:49

You are in an ideal position if you stay put. I would be very clear with him that you have no intention of leaving the home. If he wants to split, he will need to leave himself. Then go grey rock - ie repeat unemotionally that you will not be leaving your home and your children.

stackemhigh · 08/06/2021 17:51

Take back your power, don’t let him decide what happens. The sooner you get rid of him the sooner you can get back to me the sociable, happy person you used to be.

lastcall · 08/06/2021 17:55

Do not leave the house.

Get legal advice.

Contact the council and tell them he's harassing you to leave when he is in the better position to do so and you won't be leaving.

lastcall · 08/06/2021 17:55

@scubadive

Your DH probably won’t be entitled to a council house by himself and this is why he’s trying to force you out. He is using the children to keep the house
Exactly this.
DriedIris · 08/06/2021 17:58

Tell him that is HE is the one that is able to work then HE should be the one to move out, you keep the council house and top up with UC and disability benefits to pay the rent.

He can afford to rent his own place.

elkiedee · 08/06/2021 18:01

I'm sorry that you're in this difficult situation.

Don't leave the property. If leaves, you will need to claim benefits, but any private sector property is going to be more expensive and it's likely to be difficult to get a tenancy or pay the rent on benefits. Your children need a secure home.

Do ask the council to clarify your positions in the household, but as a joint tenancy he doesn't have any right to just expect you to leave.

I would also contact the CAB or others who can give you advice on your benefit rights and help you if you need to make a claim, and say to him that if he wants to split up he can't assume that you are the one to go. Him being the earner doesn't mean that he has a superior claim to the tenancy.

SkodaKodiaq · 08/06/2021 18:19

Please PM me! I can help you with anything benefits/social housing related x

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 18:28

Ok an update. He's told me to just forget he said anything and he's just going to pretend everything is alright and we'll carry on as normal as his feelings don't matter. He's extremely good at feeling sorry for himself.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to get some independent financial control back and get my ducks in a row so to speak. I don't think I can ever forgive some of the things he has said.

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 08/06/2021 18:29

Very sensible.
What a total arse.

QioiioiioQ · 08/06/2021 18:31

he's a prick, what a stupid prick

lakesummer · 08/06/2021 18:34

Very sensible OP, your DP is a total prat.
Keep making plans and regaining control.

HaveringWavering · 08/06/2021 18:34

He's told me to just forget he said anything and he's just going to pretend everything is alright and we'll carry on as normal as his feelings don't matter.

So, let me get this right. The only way that you could have demonstrated that his feelings matter would have been to agree to leave your children?

Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 18:36

Another thing I've realised is that he claims the child benefit. Is that going to be difficult to change into my name?

OP posts:
Original poster
SisterNight · 08/06/2021 18:38

I think he wanted me to beg and plead and promise I'd be more interesting and talk to him more. He needs attention.

OP posts:
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 08/06/2021 18:40

@SisterNight

Ok an update. He's told me to just forget he said anything and he's just going to pretend everything is alright and we'll carry on as normal as his feelings don't matter. He's extremely good at feeling sorry for himself.

I'm going to use this as an opportunity to get some independent financial control back and get my ducks in a row so to speak. I don't think I can ever forgive some of the things he has said.

Yes! Just very quietly get yourself sorted - new bank account where your child benefit etc goes, apply for PIP for yourself and DLA for your child etc. Go to Citizen's Advice as he could threaten to leave again at any time. Also, please for yourself/self esteem write down a list of how you do contribute to your household. I did this once when someone told me that SAHMs were worthless to prove to myself how much I actually did. If you can update us here in the future as I'd love to hear how you get on Flowers
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