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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I made a mistake - DH scaring me

164 replies

Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 00:28

Not sure if I’m being OTT.

Just moved into new house. Door has one of those Yale lock things? (Silver lock you push it down to open it)

I went to put the bin out earlier, closed the door, but forgot you have to take the key and lock it. It’s dodgy, sometimes after closing it and it clicks but later it opens in the wind. I forgot. DH goes to the hall, door is open.

He’s now kicking things and slamming doors downstairs. He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me. I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out.

I’m at fault re the door I know this. but I don’t like it when he does this and don’t know if I’m being OTT

It’s not the first time. He’s thrown his phone at the wall in anger before and smashed it. A couple of times similar incidents.

Everything else is fine. I’m sat here and my heart is really racing.

OP posts:
BillyTodd · 08/06/2021 00:31

That is awful behaviour from your husband. You are not being OTT. He is being so totally OTT that it's the behaviour of a violent bullying thug.

Are you safe for now?

achara · 08/06/2021 00:33

Your only mistake is to be still with your dh. He is being nasty and abusive. So what if you mafe a mistake it's not the end of the world. It is not fine. Please take care of yourself

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 08/06/2021 00:36

No, he's a twat. He could ask you to be more careful which would be fair enough but tbh it sounds like the door wide open is less dangerous than him having a strop.

WindowsSmindows · 08/06/2021 00:39

Do you have anyone you can phone? Can you get out of there?

Original poster
Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 00:53

Thanks for messages - am definitely not unsafe, he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

I just get really nervous and sick hearing the banging and the big tantrum, which is what it is basically.

I’ve spoken about this to him before. His dad used to shout and break things when they were kids and he’s spoke about how he found it scary. I don’t think he likes acknowledging that this is really similar behaviour that his father displayed.

OP posts:
TedHastingsweeDonkey · 08/06/2021 00:58

Jesus OP. It's not you who is being OTT. Your DH definitely has some issues, this is NOT normal behaviour at all. But you know that I hope? You say he wouldn't "hurt" you. Hurt is not always a physical thing. Your heart is racing and you are scared...you should not feel like that, especially in your own home!

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 08/06/2021 01:03

Throwing objects and being aggressive eg punching walls etc is categorised as physical abuse. It’s a warning shot to show you that if he wanted to, he could hurt you. Maybe not even consciously, but this aggression around you is designed to intimidate.

Do you think he behaves like that at work when someone does something to annoy him? Or is it reserved for home where he feels like he’s the boss and you’re an unsatisfactory employee.

I know the feeling when you find the door open and it does shake me up, but I deal with it by making it clear to whomever left it open that it’s a massive security breach and makes me feel unsafe, and to please be more careful. What I don’t and would NEVER do is throw things and shout at people smaller and weaker than I am in order to scare them into submission. It’s not ok Flowers

Mollymalone123 · 08/06/2021 01:04

This is actually a form of abuse even if you aren’t physically hurt by it.Especially if this is how he reacts.Just because he hasn’t hurt you yet doesn’t mean he won’t in the future- he sounds out of control.Please don't minimise this behaviour- it is violent and he has scared you.You need to think about your options here and I hope you don’t have children already with him.

AmberIsACertainty · 08/06/2021 01:06

This behaviour of his isn't acceptable under any circumstances. He's done it repeatedly and shows no signs of being willing to change.

This goes one of two ways. Either you slowly lose yourself living your life walking on eggshells to attempt to prevent this behaviour happening and that's your miserable life forever, living in a constant state of low level fear even when everything is 'sort of fine', until one day possibly you find out you're not safe when he turns his violence onto you. Or you leave and live your life free from fear and the ever present threat of violence.

What his father did or didn't do, however shitty his childhood may have been, however much he apologizes and makes it up to you, nothing whatsoever excuses this behaviour. It's not ok as your reactions are completely normal for the circumstances. You're absolutely not being OTT.

PerveenMistry · 08/06/2021 01:14

You're deluding yourself. He's abusive, controlling and violent. He doesn't love you. Get out while you can.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/06/2021 01:17

It's meant to frighten you. He means for you to be scared.

I couldn't stay married to someone who wanted me to live in fear.

Mothership4two · 08/06/2021 01:17

Nothing extra to add, just wanted to show support and second what everyone else has said above. He's OTT NOT you

Flowers
timeisnotaline · 08/06/2021 01:48

Can you just message him so you don’t have to be in the same room ‘I’m scared of you’ . He behaves just like his dad.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2021 02:19

Everything else is fine.

Absolutely nothing is fine. Your husband is a violent bully and he will eventually turn that violence to you. Get out of this abusive marriage and FGS never have children with this man.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2021 02:22

It's meant to frighten you. He means for you to be scared.

Op, this is 100% true. Your husband wants you to be terrified. He wants to keep you in your place, force you to keep your mouth shut, and walk on eggshells day in and day out. He is horrible, exactly like his father.

touma · 08/06/2021 02:25

@Chipsandchesses

Thanks for messages - am definitely not unsafe, he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

I just get really nervous and sick hearing the banging and the big tantrum, which is what it is basically.

I’ve spoken about this to him before. His dad used to shout and break things when they were kids and he’s spoke about how he found it scary. I don’t think he likes acknowledging that this is really similar behaviour that his father displayed.

Throwing things at you is violence against you. He's throwing things and slamming doors and imagining they're you. Men do that to let you know they can hurt you, and they will.

Please get somewhere safe, as far away as possible from this violent man.

Coyoacan · 08/06/2021 02:35

Rather than intimidating you like this wouldn't it be better to get in touch with a locksmith and change the lock for something that works.

FlowerArranger · 08/06/2021 03:04

This is not going to get better.
In fact it could turn out much, much worse.
I hope you don't have children?
Suggest you read WHY DOES HE DO THAT, by Lundy Bancroft. PDF available free online.
Please look after yourself, and don't kid yourself that this relationship can be salvaged.

everythingbackbutyou · 08/06/2021 03:38

My ex husband acted this way. It is absolutely designed to scare you.I left after 20 years of marriage having been pushed to the brink of my sanity. Please leave.

Newcastleteacake · 08/06/2021 03:44

I forgot to lock the door once. Ended up with a blood nose.

He will escalate. Not a matter of if but when.

GNCQ · 08/06/2021 03:52

Smashing doors and breaking things in the house are ALL known behaviours that can and often do eventually escalate to violence against the girlfriend/wife.

Anyway it's completely twattish regardless.

Bogeyes · 08/06/2021 04:00

Leave asap! He will eventually hit you. He can't control himself.

musthavebeenlove · 08/06/2021 04:20

This is abuse.
Unacceptable in any house no matter how angry someone gets, you don’t do this.

nancywhitehead · 08/06/2021 04:27

Calling it a "big tantrum" might be true but is also minimising it. This is not an OK way for an adult to behave.

You might know that he will never physically hurt you but even so this is abusive behaviour.

tornadosequins · 08/06/2021 04:56

Throwing objects and being aggressive eg punching walls etc is categorised as physical abuse. It’s a warning shot to show you that if he wanted to, he could hurt you. Maybe not even consciously, but this aggression around you is designed to intimidate.

Exactly. This is abuse. You are being abused. He is abusing you (and no, he does not have to be a monster for that to be true - abuse doesn't work that way, it's not about "monsters" ).

It scares you, makes you feel sick and makes your heart race because your brain correctly recognises that he is threatening to physically hurt you if you don't fall in line and that you are in danger, even if your heart doesn't want to admit it.

He will not change - you've evidenced that already.

Please contact Women's Aid for advice and support on leaving him. Maybe do the Freedom Programme.

Ultimately you need to leave, but safely. Behaviour like this can escalate when he loses control of you by you leaving. So get advice and support from the professionals.

For perspective, at most, the door thing might have warranted mild annoyance and a polite reminder about the door's quirks. It would never have justified what he did.

There isn't anything you could do that would mean you deserved to be physically abused and threatened.

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