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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I made a mistake - DH scaring me

164 replies

Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 00:28

Not sure if I’m being OTT.

Just moved into new house. Door has one of those Yale lock things? (Silver lock you push it down to open it)

I went to put the bin out earlier, closed the door, but forgot you have to take the key and lock it. It’s dodgy, sometimes after closing it and it clicks but later it opens in the wind. I forgot. DH goes to the hall, door is open.

He’s now kicking things and slamming doors downstairs. He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me. I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out.

I’m at fault re the door I know this. but I don’t like it when he does this and don’t know if I’m being OTT

It’s not the first time. He’s thrown his phone at the wall in anger before and smashed it. A couple of times similar incidents.

Everything else is fine. I’m sat here and my heart is really racing.

OP posts:
Colourmeclear · 08/06/2021 10:58

I've been there. It's terrifying. There was an episode of Doctors where the wife broke an ornament so she set her house on fire so he wouldn't find out. That's what that kind of behaviour does to you, all that fear.

Don't let your head over rule your body. Your body is asking you to listen. It's begging you to find safety from someone you live with. I used to run from my ex when he did this, literally run to another room, I was so afraid. It only made him angrier and the day I stopped running, I knew I had been broken. Eventually I started being sick every day from the stress, I just had to leave. Your body is wise. Listen to it.

KatharinaRosalie · 08/06/2021 11:02

Listen to us OP - kicking and throwing things is violent. He knows it scares you.

We had only one such incident in the begginning of the relationship, where he got angry at something and threw a pillow. Just a pillow, not to scare me or anything, but also because that's the behaviour he had learned. I told him that this scares me. He has not done anything like this ever since, 10+ years.

Yours understands how scary it is based on his own experience and still does it.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 08/06/2021 11:09

Again nothing much to add which hasn’t been said already. Please get rid of him and Flowers

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 08/06/2021 11:13

Everything else is fine Hmm

OP, this is really not OK. He needs to get help for what sounds like massive issues and they are not your responsibility to try to avoid or fix. I hope you will listen to the answers on this thread. That is horrendous behaviour, you wouldn't treat someone like that, anyone, I'm sure, so why would you think it's OK that your H would treat you in this way? If be very clear with him - sort it out or we're through.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/06/2021 11:15

That's a very extreme reaction to something really small. He needs anger management help, don't let him treat you like his personal emotional punchbag

HeraInTheHereAndNow · 08/06/2021 11:15

Leave.

This will only worsen, over time.

Dixiechickonhols · 08/06/2021 11:22

He has been violent to your op he’s thrown something at you. Don’t minimise it for your own safety.

katy1213 · 08/06/2021 11:26

You need to change the locks. And change the husband. (I don't mean change his behaviour, just get rid.)

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/06/2021 11:33

He sounds potentially dangerous. You should not have to live in fear like this. Chances are things will escalate.

crosspelican · 08/06/2021 11:36

Oh, OP. He's a violent abuser and you know this already, which is why you started this thread, right?

He’s now kicking things and slamming doors downstairs. He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me. I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out.

He's testing you. It was a bar of chocolate today. Next it will his phone. Or a cup. Or his fist.

Men who beat their partners don't start off by breaking your jaw on your first date. They test and push, test and push, and you spend years writing posts like you did today. "He didn't mean to push me down the stairs... it was my fault for annoying him... he just forgot that I'm pregnant... he's under a lot of pressure at work...."

He grew up with this behaviour modelled to him as how men behave. He might recognise that it's not good, but he is still copying it.

Don't be sucked in by the sunk costs fallacy "Oh but we've just bought this house, my money has all gone on the deposit, he says he loves me, I'll give it a year...".

You can just pick up and leave. Go stay with your parents. Save for a rental deposit. Get a nice 1 bedroom flat where there won't be someone stamping around frightening you for every tiny transgression.

Singlenotsingle · 08/06/2021 11:37

So what first attracted you to the angry, raging, nasty Mr Chipsandchesses?

wewereliars · 08/06/2021 11:54

He will only get worse. Time to leave OP Flowers

WeatherwaxOn · 08/06/2021 13:05

he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

Well, he's just thrown something at you. It could have hit you. I'd class that as violent.

CarnationCat · 08/06/2021 13:07

Definitely sounds like you are unsafe. Please leave before things escalate further. You shouldn't be living like this

AmberIsACertainty · 08/06/2021 13:13

I wouldn't even accept him going to therapy or learning anger management. The former will take years and years to change him, if it ever does, which is unlikely because he wouldn't be attending therapy because he wanted to but only to pacify you. The latter might curb the violent tendency but I'd put money on it he'd just switch to emotional abuse instead, which is arguably worse because it's far less easy to recognise it for what it is, meaning you stay longer.

Google the statistics for the amount of men who first hit their partner when she's pregnant. It's not accidental. They do it because they know she's less likely to leave them once she's pregnant.

Couchbettato that's horrific and goes to show just how quickly things can escalate. Sorry you experienced that.

FlowerArranger · 08/06/2021 13:17

@Chipsandchesses..... please let us know that you are safe Flowers

Original poster
Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 13:35

I’m so sorry for the delay responding

I’m absolutely safe guys - I can’t write a longer response as I’m on shift but just wanted to clarify all is fine and I’m at work as ppl seemed worried

Will post more later

OP posts:
IsItIorAreTheOthersCrazy · 08/06/2021 14:00

Do you know what's scarier than the person who's supposed to love you hitting you / attacking you?
The feeling in your stomach when you see the look in his eye / hear that tone and you know pure anger is coming. It sets all your nerves on edge because your survival instincts are battling themselves - you're telling yourself he won't hurt you but actually, your instincts are telling you to stay upstairs, out of the way and quiet in order to stay safe. That sick feeling is because you're unsettled - your body knows you're not safe.

I know this from experience OP. I want to say LTB but I know it's not that straightforward. At the very least have a very big conversation about what you expect from him - I would include anger management or counselling for him BUT do not organise this for him, he needs to take responsibility.

BettyUnderswoob · 08/06/2021 14:06

I've already responded above, but it's struck me also that you say "I don't know if I'm being OTT"

This man really has done a number on you if you're feeling bad/silly about being frightened and upset at being treated like this and think you shouldn't be complaining. I suspect he's gone a lot of minimising about these behaviours in the past and gaslighting you into thinking it's OK and you're being silly to react.

Damn right his behaviour is frightening and upsetting. You're behaving normally, he isn't.

I hope you get this sorted, OP... it's not OK Flowers

KatharinaRosalie · 08/06/2021 14:31

I accidentally took DH's car keys with me this morning, so he had to hunt for the spare set when DC were already running late for school. Did he shout at me, slam doors and throw things? No he didn't, he just said that could I check please next time I use his car that I take the keys out of my bag. That's it. That's the proportionate reaction.

toocold54 · 08/06/2021 17:12

People say LTB because it’s an easy statement to make but it’s not that simple when you’re married. OP do you want to separate from this man? Or is he the best thing since sliced bread aside from this? Could you look into couples counselling, anger management for him etc?

Of course it’s that simple.
DV doesn’t happen from the first day with punching and choking, it steadily builds up over time.
Do you think he would act like this around a women he fancies at work? I don’t believe ending a relationship over a small argument but he clearly doesn’t respect or even like OP so why should she stay in a relationship like this.

Lozzerbmc · 08/06/2021 17:18

Everything else is fine except for the violent outbursts and those women who have been killed by violent partners probably thought they were safe. This situation will just get worse…
I hope you leave him!

whynotwhatknot · 08/06/2021 22:13

Its not normal my dh forgets to lock our door when he gets in on the odd occasion i just say dont forget next time thats it

CupoTeap · 08/06/2021 22:18

Your body wants you to run but your head is saying stay

ConstanceMarkievicz · 08/06/2021 22:28

@AmberIsACertainty yes, i agree, and anger management therapy would play into a narrative that he cannot control his temper but that he's trying, such a hero, trying for @Chipsandchesses

It"d legitimise his temper when the problem is not really a loss of temper anyway, it's deliberate intimidation.