I made a mistake - DH scaring me

[Chipsandchesses]

Not sure if I’m being OTT.

Just moved into new house. Door has one of those Yale lock things? (Silver lock you push it down to open it)

I went to put the bin out earlier, closed the door, but forgot you have to take the key and lock it. It’s dodgy, sometimes after closing it and it clicks but later it opens in the wind. I forgot. DH goes to the hall, door is open.

He’s now kicking things and slamming doors downstairs. He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me. I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out.

I’m at fault re the door I know this. but I don’t like it when he does this and don’t know if I’m being OTT

It’s not the first time. He’s thrown his phone at the wall in anger before and smashed it. A couple of times similar incidents.

Everything else is fine. I’m sat here and my heart is really racing.

I'm angry with Boris Johnson. What do you think would happen if I went round his house, raged and stormed about, smashed the place up and threw things at him? Do you think he'd sit upstairs for even one second feeling panicked and posting on a forum wondering if he's been unreasonable? Or would he nip next door to the neighbors and call the police? The fact Boris doesn't know me is neither here nor there. There's not one level of abuse you accept from strangers and another level you accept from loved ones.

@Chipsandchesses

I’m just really worried now. Maybe I’m shit at spotting this stuff. My last ex was extremely emotionally abusive. I didn’t realise that until we separated

Well they do hide it in the beginning or else nobody would ever date them. And there's a lot of thee bastards about too. But you're right to an extent, one abusive relationship is an accident, two is the start of a pattern. Possibly you're not recognising red flags, but you can learn. Or possibly you're seeing the red flags but not acting on them, making excuses for the man instead, which is more serious and perhaps you need therapy to work out why you do this and how to stop doing it.

He scoffed at you being upset thats not being kind is it

another example funny enough last night i forgot to lock the car my dh just asked if i had i said i dont know i'll check today and i hadnt he just said oops and laughed no harm done

I don't know if you've ever seen the poem "A Narcissist's Prayer" but your DH seems to be at the 'not a big deal' stage.

A Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.

I left the car window open a bit overnight last night and it poured. My dh said that was stupid wasn’t it. Normal tone of voice, bit annoyed.
That’s a normal reaction. If he’d thrown anything he’d be sleeping somewhere else.

Tbh 'That was stupid' I wouldn't like either. I personally would never say that to someone, it's very berating to my mind, whatever the tone, unless said as a joke maybe.

‘That was stupid’ is different from you’re stupid I think, but each to their own. It was a dumb thing to do, and I’ve done it before so I should have better steps to avoid doing it!

If something happened like this at work would he start shouting at the colleague who did it?;would he throw something at them?,would he stormed around his place of work having a tantrum whilst throwing things/shouting/hitting things?

No he wouldn't because he can control himself and not do it meaning he CHOSES to behave this way at home.

Stop making excuses for him.Tell him to get some professional help and sort out his anger issues and behave properly or get out.

Maybe timeisnotaline but you know what, we all mess up, no one does it deliberately and being told that wouldn't help me when I'd be annoyed with myself enough. I wouldn't say it to a friend so I wouldn't say it to my spouse.

He doesn't care about how you feel all he cares about is that you are punished.

Punished by him. He insists that he has the RIGHT to punish you.

OP - this will be your life if you stay.

The 'punishments' will escalate. You will be back here in a few years time, maybe with young children, feeling even more scared. And trapped.

Run while you still can, please do!

I've been here. Started with a packet of crisps being thrown at me. Ended with being back handed across the face, then held down and strangled. All because I didn't want to turn a bedside lamp off because he was frightening me.

It WILL happen OP. He's shown you he is lacking in control when he's pissed off. That's crucial. If someone physically lashes out in ANY WAY because they're pissed off, they're dangerous. It's that simple.

So you went to put the bin out and when you did the door was accidentally left open, but your DP was home in the house and presumably you were only out if the house for a couple of minutes max? Honestly that really doesn’t seem like a big deal to me; if you had left the door open when you left for work and the house was empty I could understand him being annoyed about it but this seems like a total non-issue. He is trying to put the blame for his anger onto you by making out you were majorly at fault but in most households accidentally failing to shut the door whilst popping out of the house for a few moments would be a total non-issue.

His anger and response is completely out of order, it was an accident to leave the door open and unless there is something you’ve failed to mention such as having a puppy who could have gotten onto a main road it sounds like it was no big deal anyway.

You shouldn't ever feel intimidated. We had a lock like that and it was temperamental. Used to get locked out a lot which was equally as bad. Mistakes happen, was he annoyed the house had been left unlocked while no one was in? I'm sure he could've parked his emotions to one side to speak about it. Well, he should've. Some people aren't capable. Smashing phones off walls, I would feel threatened by that, rightly or wrongly like is that a sign of things to come?

@Chipsandchesses

I’m just really worried now. Maybe I’m shit at spotting this stuff. My last ex was extremely emotionally abusive. I didn’t realise that until we separated

I think you've answered your own question here. You haven't developed the ability to spot abuse, for whatever reason. It's not your fault but you can take yourself out of this awful abusive relationship and work on learning the signs better for next time.