I made a mistake - DH scaring me

[Chipsandchesses]

Not sure if I’m being OTT.

Just moved into new house. Door has one of those Yale lock things? (Silver lock you push it down to open it)

I went to put the bin out earlier, closed the door, but forgot you have to take the key and lock it. It’s dodgy, sometimes after closing it and it clicks but later it opens in the wind. I forgot. DH goes to the hall, door is open.

He’s now kicking things and slamming doors downstairs. He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me. I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out.

I’m at fault re the door I know this. but I don’t like it when he does this and don’t know if I’m being OTT

It’s not the first time. He’s thrown his phone at the wall in anger before and smashed it. A couple of times similar incidents.

Everything else is fine. I’m sat here and my heart is really racing.

I've done exactly the same thing. Dp said 'oh shit sharked the doors open' I apologised. We both said 'that was lucky nothing happened' and that was it

He hasn't lost control. His level of anger is totally disproportionate to what you've done. He's deliberately intimidating you to show you whos boss, to put you in your place. Its designed to a) make you feel stupid and small and b) intimidate you into submission, show you who powerful he is. Nasty, nasty behaviour

Hes already thrown things at you, so he already has been violent towards you. He doesn't need to be morr violent to you right now because the intimidation and aggression is doing the job. But when he can't control you fully with this behaviour it will escalate.

You are not OTT. This is domestic abuse. If a stranger did that to you in the street would you think it ok? Please seek help and support. You need to establish some sort of dialogue with him regarding his behaviour and need to change. If he is unable to have that then please look after yourself by either getting him out or leaving yourself. You deserve so much more.

He threw something AT you. That's massive. The rest of it is designed to intimidate you. He is violent. He is a bully. He is using violence and the threat of violence to control your behaviour and fear to punish you.

Does he do this when things don't go his way at work? When people fail to obey him? Does he throw things at his boss? Smash up the boardroom / workshop / shop? Why not? Surely he feels the same uncontrolled anger and frustration. How does he deal with it there?

He'll give you a sob story about how it's all about his childhood sadness, insecurity and fear. How he just can't help himself. He is an adult man, not a child. If he cannot control himself, he has no business being in a relationship, or sharing a home with anyone weaker than himself.

Just to be clear this is not a tantrum. Its not a man who's throwing his toys out the pram. Its a man who is deliberately intimidating and being aggressive towards his wife to put her in her place, and maintain his power in the relationshop

Its not a man who's got angry and can't control it, which is still bad, but this is purposeful behaviour. He wants you to feel the way your feeling now

He is absolutely abusive. And if you stay he will harm you physically one day. X

You deserve better! Run as soon as you can

Btw, your neighbours heard this too. If I heard this in a neighbouring house, more then once, definitely on the third occasion, I'd call the police.

I'm not suggesting you try to obey, pacify, or tiptoe around in a state of fear, in order to avoid this. I am suggesting that you call them yourself first.

Leave now. You are rightly scared of him. That's no way to live.

It will escalate - probably once you have children and you are more vulnerable.

He's not a safe partner. You don't have to live like this. It's often how abusers are in the beginning.

This is how it starts.

Having had experience of abusive men like this I would get out. It always escalates. As a minimum I'd advise you insist on his receiving anger management and if necessary other forms of therapy as a condition of staying in this relationship.

Don't minimise this, OP. It's not OK.

“Coyoacan

Rather than intimidating you like this wouldn't it be better to get in touch with a locksmith and change the lock for something that works.“

I agree.

Instead of bullying you.

Of course you are in danger. He is THROWING things. Including at you. If he throws the wrong thing, or hits you at just the right angle or whatever, bam, you're injured.

DH once threw a chopping board. It split in 2 and one half spun off through the door. I pointed out that if a DC had just appeared at the door (as they are wont to do), he could have been hurt. DH called a therapist THAT DAY and it has never happened again.

Thanks for messages - am definitely not unsafe

Oh but you are.

he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

But he does.

This is abusive behaviour and it is his reaction that is OTT not yours.

I left the back door open overnight a few weeks ago (thought DP had locked it and didn't bother to check). DP pointed it out and I said whoops, I'll be more careful tonight. That was it. That's a normal reaction.

he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

He's just started.

First it's a bar of chocolate.

Then a mug.

Then the iron.

Then his fist.

This is how it escalates.

OP, I just want you to know my husband was like that. Never violent towards me but would get huffy for almost the full day and would throw things and really make sure I knew I'd fucked up.

I thought at least I was physically safe until one night when he decided to pin me against the wall and choke me because he found out I'd told my mum that he'd spent the day being huffy.

Choking isn't a punishment, it's going for the kill.

Do not be me, and do not let it escalate to my situation.

Every one has the potential to become violent, unfortunately men are stronger.

Bloody hell, does your h ever make mistakes? And what do you do when he does? I bet you don't scream and throw things.

You ned to talk to your h. He may not like it but he is copying behaviour his dad showed, and he may need counselling to stop him doing this. I'd tell him to move out while he does this. This will show that he's committed to changing and to making you feel safer.

You should NOT feel scared of your husband. That's a horrible way to live. He's an adult and he's responsible for his behaviour. I bet he doesn't act like this at work or with his friends? He saves it for you. He's a bully.

YANBU at all. His behaviour will escalate, and he needs to own it and change it NOW.

You made a simple mistake and your husband reacts like this? Seriously, get out now.

Please think carefully about his behaviour, and stop minimising it. His behaviour is not your doing which you are attributing it to, because you “made a mistake”. You left the door open ffs, that’s such a minor non event and he has completely lost the plot. There will be a next time where you are hurt.

Think about how you feel now. Think about how a toddler, a child or a teen will feel when he tantrums like this and maybe throws a punch at you because of another non event. Leave.

It's a new house, things are different, it will take time to remember everything, but this is completely OTT as a reaction. It's a new house, a dodgy lock. Think, what would you do if it was the other way round, would you do what he did? Please don't accept that as how it is.

What would he do I wonder if you stood up to him, politely agree that he was wrong, or go off even worse, the going off even worse will quickly escalate.

Only you know him and how he has been in the past. But I'd recommend finding out about the freedom programme, I've done it and many of us agreed that bad as being hit was, the rest was as bad, and it is insidious, it creeps up on you and it makes life miserable. I'd suggest that you didn't leave immediately, but gather up anything that you would not want to leave behind if you did leave, so you could grab and go if you do decide to leave, anything like passports other documents that you would have problems without, any precious things, sentimental things, all financial stuff for both of you, you have just moved in so this might be uite easy, and if queried, you are probably just waiting to work out where things go best, or filing drawers
Maybe download something like hollieguard, make an online diary that he cannot access and record what happens from now and also what happened in the past. If you find out more about what is abuse you will spot more things I'm sure
Anger management , couples counselling, I'd say no
I bet you anything he can control his anger, would he do that to his mother, or to his boss or his best friend? He can control his anger then, what anger management does in a situation like yours is make it less obvious. Couples counselling with someone like that - no. Do it by yourself. He will minimise it and if you say the truth you will somehow suffer later. If he is anything like my ex he will lie in counselling anyway even on his own. The one time ex sought counselling is when he did lose it at work and he immediately signed up for it so that he wasn't hauled over the coals for it, he was showing that he was taking responsibility and dealing with it [and he didn't get angry with colleagues, it was while he was on the phone to me]. It never had any effects on his anger with me and the way he behaved
If someone had pointed this out to me I'd not have been happy but in retrospect, I damn wish someone had said how abusive he was even though he wasn't being violent at that stage.

Jesus Christ this is an extreme reaction to a tiny ‘mistake’ (not even a mistake really, such a non-event). He is being violent if he’s throwing things at you even if it’s ‘just’ a chocolate bar. Next time it might be something heavier...

You know this is wrong, that's why you've posted. When you're ready to leave, people will help you - on here, in RL, family, friends, support services. You just have to reach out and tell them.
Don't leave it too late. It WILL escalate.

You're safer with an empty house and the door wide open than you are inside the house with that man and the doors locked.

Tell someone in real life, get support.

You mentioned you just moved in. Whose house is it and are you married?

@Chipsandchesses

Thanks for messages - am definitely not unsafe, he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

I just get really nervous and sick hearing the banging and the big tantrum, which is what it is basically.

I’ve spoken about this to him before. His dad used to shout and break things when they were kids and he’s spoke about how he found it scary. I don’t think he likes acknowledging that this is really similar behaviour that his father displayed.

Sorry op but yes it sounds like you are unsafe. Someone making you feel unsafe is leaving you feel “nervous and sick”. That a physical reaction to you feeling unsafe. It’s your body reacting to you feeling in danger because of his actions.

Would you call the national domestic abuse line at all? Maybe speak to them about this incident and your wider relationship. Sometimes it hard to see abusive behaviour for what it is when you are in the middle of it.