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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I made a mistake - DH scaring me

164 replies

Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 00:28

Not sure if I’m being OTT.

Just moved into new house. Door has one of those Yale lock things? (Silver lock you push it down to open it)

I went to put the bin out earlier, closed the door, but forgot you have to take the key and lock it. It’s dodgy, sometimes after closing it and it clicks but later it opens in the wind. I forgot. DH goes to the hall, door is open.

He’s now kicking things and slamming doors downstairs. He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me. I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out.

I’m at fault re the door I know this. but I don’t like it when he does this and don’t know if I’m being OTT

It’s not the first time. He’s thrown his phone at the wall in anger before and smashed it. A couple of times similar incidents.

Everything else is fine. I’m sat here and my heart is really racing.

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 08/06/2021 08:14

Tell him you need to leave the door unlocked, to facilitate a quick escape when he has an abusive strop.

ChubbyLittleManInACampervan · 08/06/2021 08:14

This is def violence

And directed at you

Don’t minimise it by saying you are only hurt mentally and not (yet) physically Sad

JeremiahHeapOShite · 08/06/2021 08:18

OP, I hope you are hearing what people are saying. He's showing you his violent side, he's done it before. You think he'll never hurt you. A chocolate bar (or whatever missile he has in his hand next time) in the eye would hurt you.

Good men don't throw stuff at you.

Good men don't have tantrums when you make a mistake.

Good men don't leave you shaking in fear.

Don't read these posts and follow them in your mind with but...

This behaviour is NOT ok.
Your dh needs to seek some help for his anger. If he refuses then he thinks that this behaviour is ok, what will he think is acceptable next?

I hope you are ok OP .

DoubleHelix79 · 08/06/2021 08:24

DH and I have both accidentally left the key in the lock on the outside of the front door all night so that in theory anyone could have entered (in London). The non-guilty party in these cases said something along the lines of 'you really need to remember to take the key out of the lock' and that was rhe end of it. Shouting and punching things is not ok.

BettyUnderswoob · 08/06/2021 08:24

Reading this has made me sad and angry.

I’m at fault re the door I know this

You’re not “at fault” for anything: you have a dodgy lock that you’re not yet used to as you’ve just moved in, and that probably needs replacing. All the fault here is his.

he wouldn’t do anything violent to me
He did... he THREW something at you. Doesn’t matter that it was ‘just’ a bar of chocolate; next time it may be something bigger and heavier.

If you’re going to continue this relationship, he MUST apologise. And you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that this behaviour is abusive, frightening, and will not be tolerated or you’re out.

Busybee5000 · 08/06/2021 08:29

I’d be asking him to go for counselling. You’ve just said his dad did similar when he was a child. Please do something OP, don’t just accepting as it won’t change.

1WayOrAnother2 · 08/06/2021 08:30

1.His behaviour makes you afraid (heart beating fast etc.) - so it is having a bad effect on you - even if you tell yourself you are physically safe. (No guarantee on that safety)

  1. You suggest that his behaviour can be excused because he suffered as a child . Does this mean you think he can't help it? The test on that is whether he behaves like this at work or in front of people he feels have authority.

3.Even if you are sure that his temper is beyond his control and not his fault, you are already suffering the effects of his behaviour AND (statistics suggest)in real danger that this will get worse. He needs urgent help ... and so do you.

Fitforforty · 08/06/2021 08:32

@Chipsandchesses

Thanks for messages - am definitely not unsafe, he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

I just get really nervous and sick hearing the banging and the big tantrum, which is what it is basically.

I’ve spoken about this to him before. His dad used to shout and break things when they were kids and he’s spoke about how he found it scary. I don’t think he likes acknowledging that this is really similar behaviour that his father displayed.

He already has done something violent to you. He is physical abusive.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/06/2021 08:36

You are right Busybee5000 in respect of the OP needing to do something going forward but joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. OP is not emotionally safe enough to undertake any type of joint session with her H apart from the likelihood he would not attend in the first place. Even if he did he would perhaps try to get the counsellor to take his side and make it all out to be her fault. If counselling is to be considered here the OP needs to do this on her own.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, this man learnt about abuse from his own father; a man who likely also thinks he has done nothing wrong here re how he treats his wife and women.

ConstanceMarkievicz · 08/06/2021 08:37

Wow. My x used to do this, and I agree with the poster who says it is deliberate

It is not a loss of control. The intention is deliberate. To intimidate you.

ConstanceMarkievicz · 08/06/2021 08:39

Does your x ever ''lose control'' around his brothers, around his parents?
the neighbours, his male colleagues? His boss?

I am going to predict that it's just for you. It's only in your presence that he is bafflingly unable to control his rage. Because you're the one who OWES him total obedience in his mind.

BoringOldBitch · 08/06/2021 08:39

You should never be afraid of your partner. I would insist he has anger management lessons, or leave. Do you really want to live this way?

C8H10N4O2 · 08/06/2021 08:44

he wouldn’t do anything violent to me

He already is, along with coercing your behaviour into compliance.

Look ahead. Do you want to spend the next 20/30/40 years of your life like this? Even murders get out of controlled environments eventually.

MilduraS · 08/06/2021 08:46

I locked myself out of our new house the day after we moved in. I had to call a locksmith. My DH didn't get angry or throw things, he laughed.

Similarly. He's left the keys (including keys for his car on the drive) in the front door twice. I told him to be more careful.

You shouldn't be scared of your partner. That's not a normal healthy relationship.

ConstanceMarkievicz · 08/06/2021 08:52

I wouldn't bother asking him to go to anger management. He will either get very very angry that you dared to suggest that his anger was not justified. ie, any suggestion that you did not drive him to his rage will not be met with remorse or responsibility. Or, he will play the game, go to Anger Management but use it as a bargaining chip, ''Look how I humiliated myself for you and still you're not happy, still you're daring to ask me for x,y,z''

I'd order Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? One of the types in that book (or more than one) uses barely controlled rage to control their 'subject'. It works so well. I was fully trained up to never rock the boat myself. I read the book after I left but it's essential reading.

I know you say you're safe physically, but the questions to ask yourself now are;

  1. do I feel content, safe, supported, loved, valued???
  2. Have I been trained to never challenge the status quo? Is it his way or no way? Do you run around him like a people pleaser. You cannot confront him and ask him to be fair to you?
  3. does your life together revolve around his needs?
  4. does he support you in any of your LT goals or are all of your goals just too inconvenient to him.
Flowers
Ickythefirebobby · 08/06/2021 08:53

@Chipsandchesses

Thanks for messages - am definitely not unsafe, he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

I just get really nervous and sick hearing the banging and the big tantrum, which is what it is basically.

I’ve spoken about this to him before. His dad used to shout and break things when they were kids and he’s spoke about how he found it scary. I don’t think he likes acknowledging that this is really similar behaviour that his father displayed.

This is being violent. No wonder you’re feeling scared. This is not normal behaviour at all. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Everything else is not fine if he’s behaving like this at all. It will only be a matter of time before he escalates. This is the beginning of a pattern. He’s showing you who is is, please don’t ignore the warnings he is giving you, or minimise his behaviour.

EvilPea · 08/06/2021 08:57

My DH forgets his keys ALL the time.
It’s bloody annoying especially if I am in the middle of something.

However I open the door roll my eyes at him and laugh. Not punch things and stomp.

He’s an abusive twat Flowers

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 08/06/2021 08:59

He’s an abusive twat. Get out now and don’t have kids with this knobhead

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 09:07

Ask him if he behaves like this at work. Assuming he doesn't - because no sensible employer would put up with it - tell him that since he obviously can control himself you expect him to do so at home. There is no reason why you should be expected to put up with this sort of behaviour.

Femme99 · 08/06/2021 09:09

That’s not a natural reaction for an adult to behave in that way, he is mentally abusive. He either seeks therapy and learns better coping strategies, or you need to leave him.

3scape · 08/06/2021 09:12

He is violent. He is deliberately intimidating you. Over a door.
Nothing will change him unless he wants to change. He won't want to change if his despicable actions keep him getting him what he wants. Kick him out.

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2021 09:17

Honestly when he finishes with his tantrum you need to speak to this bullying abusive man child and tell him this behaviour is a hard no. That if he does it again you’re out, and do it like you mean it, leave him in no doubt,

And when he does it again, as he will, then just calmly pick your coat and keys uo and walk out.

undertheocean69 · 08/06/2021 09:21

Leave him.
This is totally unacceptable behaviour.
You should never feel scared of your partner the person who is supposed to make you feel safe.
Imagine if you had children as well. Not sure if you do but that would be horrible for them to live in that environment.
It would make them very insecure and anxious.
He is a total twat.
Leave it's not going to get better the longer you with him.
Sending you lots of hugs. You deserve so much better.

Parky04 · 08/06/2021 09:23

He is totally unreasonable. I would have just told you it was open and then think no more of it. What an overreaction!

randomkey123 · 08/06/2021 09:27

There's no remotely attractive about a grown man having a toddler tantrum. It's a sign of a serious lack of emotional immaturity.

But you're already making excuses for him, which means you'll stay and put up with it.

My DH is similar - he's still acting like this at 57. Only he's never thrown anything at me - and the 1st time he does, I'll be gone. You should never tolerate this, ever.