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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I made a mistake - DH scaring me

164 replies

Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 00:28

Not sure if I’m being OTT.

Just moved into new house. Door has one of those Yale lock things? (Silver lock you push it down to open it)

I went to put the bin out earlier, closed the door, but forgot you have to take the key and lock it. It’s dodgy, sometimes after closing it and it clicks but later it opens in the wind. I forgot. DH goes to the hall, door is open.

He’s now kicking things and slamming doors downstairs. He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me. I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out.

I’m at fault re the door I know this. but I don’t like it when he does this and don’t know if I’m being OTT

It’s not the first time. He’s thrown his phone at the wall in anger before and smashed it. A couple of times similar incidents.

Everything else is fine. I’m sat here and my heart is really racing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 23:23

Thx for all your comments they are food for thought. The thing is, he really is incredibly kind usually.

I tried to speak to him about this today but he keeps just saying what I did “isn’t ok” and he had a right to be angry because I’m irresponsible and act like a child.

This is….worrying.

I told him I felt scared and intimidated and that I’d say there dreading him coming up the stairs but he hasn’t said sorry and just kind of scoffed when I said that and said I’m over playing this

Ive told him I can’t live with someone who will react this way if I make mistakes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 23:24

Sat* not say

OP posts:
Original poster
Chipsandchesses · 08/06/2021 23:26

I’m just really worried now. Maybe I’m shit at spotting this stuff. My last ex was extremely emotionally abusive. I didn’t realise that until we separated

OP posts:
PubicMenace · 08/06/2021 23:50

I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers. His response to the door thing tells you a lot about his character. He a bit of a thug isn't he? Either he understands that about himself and tries to rectify this character weakness or you bin him off without a second thought. In your shoes I would be looking to get out, I'm afraid.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/06/2021 23:51

I tried to speak to him about this today but he keeps just saying what I did “isn’t ok” and he had a right to be angry because I’m irresponsible and act like a child.

He had a right to be angry?
A right to throw things?
To shout?

What about when he punches you in the face? Will he have the right to do that because you behaved in a way he didn't like?

He is abusive.
I hope you don't have children together
I also hope you find the strength to see him for what he is and leave him!

Enough4me · 08/06/2021 23:57

OP, as another women who has been in this position more than once, this is not your fault and you cannot help him out of this. You need to focus on getting yourself to a safe situation.

HeyGirlHeyBoy · 09/06/2021 06:23

Well he's made it much easier for you now. He's not even pretending that he's horrified and feels dreadful, kot promising you it will never happen again. He's told you very clearly this is OK and this will happen again. Hard as it is OP, you know now who he is and can act accordingly and without a doubt, though I know you'll be heartbroken. He has let you down dreadfully.

Nicolastuffedone · 09/06/2021 07:13

He’s incredibly kind when he isn’t:

Kicking things
Slamming doors
Shouting at you
Throwing his phone at the wall at smashing it
Throwing a bar of chocolate at you
Similar incidents
Making you scared and not caring….

Almondcroissant25 · 09/06/2021 07:45

An ‘incredibly kind’ person would never belittle his wife’s views, say she is childish and irresponsible, or scoff if she shows genuine concern! That is not a man who respects you! If I told my partner he had scared of intimidated me, he would be mortified and absolutely gutted. How is it ‘not ok’ for you to make a genuine mistake?! These things happen! He is not kind, he is showing you his true character so sit up and take note. He sounds like a foul man who has no respect and will continue to abuse you if you don’t put your foot down. I am sorry for the blunt response, but you deserve so so much better and I feel he is totally gaslighting you.

Ilovewillow · 09/06/2021 07:52

You are not at fault, he is intimidating and trying to scare you. This is violence and I fear that it will escalate. Please think about this a partner should never make you feel scared. For comparison I scratched our very expensive car yesterday rang my husband - his response "are you ok? These things happen". Please don't let yourself believe that this is ok.

wherewildflowersgrow · 09/06/2021 07:57

Definitely domestic violence and past the starting blocks.

Colourmeclear · 09/06/2021 08:20

He doesn't care about how you feel all he cares about is that you are punished.

He thinks what do you did isn't ok and he thinks it's punishable by violence.

Most couples when they make mistakes work together to find a solution or provide encouragement. Theres none of this here.

Youarestillintherunning · 09/06/2021 08:22

This is so sad to read. You are not being over the top, his behaviour is frightening you because it is abusive. What advice would you give to your sibling/friend/child if they told you that this was happening? Look after yourself op

itsamegladon · 09/06/2021 08:33

For context Op this is what happens when my husband find the door open

Dh: Why is the door open?(in a loud voice)
Tuts, huffs, mutters to himself.

Tells the world we could have been burgled
Might make sarcastic comments at dinner about it

Never violent or aggressive

MarshmallowAra · 09/06/2021 08:49

he keeps just saying what I did “isn’t ok” and he had a right to be angry because I’m irresponsible and act like a child.

Not locking or closing a door correctly is very easy to do - especially with a quirky lock a d especially when you're not used to it. It's possible for anyone to do that, it's not childish. Nor is it irresponsible, it was an understandable error. Not what I'd call irresponsible. So he's wrong on those fronts.

But much more importantly - that doesn't give him the right to be (excessively) angry and throw things, slam things etc.

Very ironic indeed that he's saying you're like a child when he's the one throwing things including throwing a bar of chocolate chocolate (which is incidentally quite a hard little object that could hurt or even do damage if thrown with force). He's the one acting like a tantrunming child.

His behaviour is ridiculous.

MarshmallowAra · 09/06/2021 08:56

It's abusive actually.

And he clearly feels entirely entitled to be so.

Id wonder where this sort of self righteous excessive anger and acting out in response to minor incidents is going to go .... Correct me if I'm wring but you don't have kids with him; I dread to think what someone like him would be like under the mayhem of babies and kids.

When our child was very young, I once went out the door of a newish house without my keys to put out recycling ... It swung closed and was the type of door that needs a key to open it even when you havent locked it (not a Yale, a different mechanism) which I hadn't realised - but in any case I was sleep deprived, knackered, distracted etc. and not thinking. I was stuck having to run to and back from our letting agent ten or fifteen minutes away to try to get a spare key to get back into our baby, stressing the entire way about them being on their own in a swing/rocker. My h's reaction was stoical .... I can only imagine what your partner's would be, what would that justify, how much shouting, how much slamming, how many objects thrown at you, would it escalate in proportion to the "crime" (accident).

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/06/2021 08:57

he hasn’t said sorry and just kind of scoffed when I said that and said I’m over playing this

Massive red flag.

I'm really sorry but it sounds like he is grooming you to accept this behaviour as 'normal'. I really think you need to make plans to leave while your eyes are still open.

Pegsonstrings · 09/06/2021 09:01

A person with normal reaction to something like this, and who cares about you would have suggested a new lock on the door when you first moved in. Not react the way he did. I am so glad I no longer live around anyone like this. I bet it really scared you and I bet you are heartbroken because every time a behaviour like this pops up you are closer to having to look at the whole reality of who your partner really is, and the hard knowledge that you need to leave the relationship. I hope you are ok

MarshmallowAra · 09/06/2021 09:01

Seems like the only likely escalation of what you've described for a "worse" incident like the scratched car above or my door incident .. would be violence directly against you (not that throwing an object at you isn't violence against you (. Aside from that the tension, intimidation etc is unacceptable enough.

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 09/06/2021 09:05

@CheesecakeAddict

That's exactly how my exH started before the things he threw at me became bigger and heavier. I never thought he'd have hurt me either. Leave. You cannot 'fix' him.
It was the same for me. His behaviour escalated especially when I was pregnant and he threw a pack of frozen sausages at my bump. It was like being hit by a brick and I was scared for my baby's life. He later hit me and tried to strangle me. I hung on through all this until he started hitting my DD and bruised her face. This will be your future. Make plans to leave. Please.
MarshmallowAra · 09/06/2021 09:07

And yeah I've been scoffed at by an abuser when I called them out on their significant verbal abuse ("verbal abuse tsssk" said with incredulity and derision, like my description was ridiculous, comical even) .... And of course it continued on and on.

Polkadots2021 · 09/06/2021 09:18

OP I literally dread the idea of what life will be like for your kids. Please leave before the idea of kids could ever come into the picture as they would go through hell with a man like him.

He's so abusive - it's textbook stuff actually - and it'll only get worse. He doesn't act like this around others either, does he? - it's all saved for you - which means it's something he consciously enjoys doing to frighten and control you. You need to pack up leave and block him.

MarshmallowAra · 09/06/2021 09:27

Just skim read your op again - so it's actually a Yale lock that should lock (well, close in a way that can't be opened from outside without a key) when you pull.the door behind you (like most do) but doesn't. You gave to pull it closed and then take out s key and lock it ... That's unusual and it's entirely understandable you'd forget to do it in a new house. Usually you just pull that type of door closed behind you.

So even more utterly ridiculous, unreasonable behaviour from you h.

If it springs open again, the lock should have been replaced/fixed. That was asuch up to him to do as you.

But in any case it doesn't change the wider picture of your h's behaviour and thinking.

LowlandLucky · 09/06/2021 09:30

Your husband is a bully and is abusing you. Don't minimise this or excuse his behaviour.

AmberIsACertainty · 09/06/2021 10:18

The thing is, he really is incredibly kind usually.

Since you haven't run a mile at this behaviour, it's possible your definition of "incredibly kind" is skewed. But even if he is kind usually, this is how they suck you in and keep you there. It's not genuine kindness, a genuinely kind person with true kindness in their soul would never behave towards anyone the way he's behaving towards you with the temper.

had a right to be angry

A right to his emotions, yes (however unreasonable they may be). But no right ever to express anger in the manner he does towards you.