I made a mistake - DH scaring me

[Chipsandchesses]

Not sure if I’m being OTT.

Just moved into new house. Door has one of those Yale lock things? (Silver lock you push it down to open it)

I went to put the bin out earlier, closed the door, but forgot you have to take the key and lock it. It’s dodgy, sometimes after closing it and it clicks but later it opens in the wind. I forgot. DH goes to the hall, door is open.

He’s now kicking things and slamming doors downstairs. He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me. I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out.

I’m at fault re the door I know this. but I don’t like it when he does this and don’t know if I’m being OTT

It’s not the first time. He’s thrown his phone at the wall in anger before and smashed it. A couple of times similar incidents.

Everything else is fine. I’m sat here and my heart is really racing.

This is abuse. You are so scared your heart is racing . That is not normal. He has intimated and scared you regardless of physically hurting you. Do you have somewhere safe to go OP ?

That's exactly how my exH started before the things he threw at me became bigger and heavier. I never thought he'd have hurt me either. Leave. You cannot 'fix' him.

Your reaction to his behaviour is a perfectly normal, and expected, reaction to aggressive behaviour. You are not being OTT, his behaviour is not normal and is unacceptable. You should not feel scared of your partner or unsafe in your own home. Imagine an older you giving advice to your adult children, would you want them to feel scared of their partner? Would you advocate that they stay in such a relationship? I agree with all the previous posters, it is probably a good idea to leave, at least to secure your immediate safety. Anger management counselling can work, so that may be a route you may wish to pursue. But I wouldn't live with him until you're confident he's sorted himself out, if he's unwilling to try counselling, that's a major red flag and it's best to just leave.

Throwing objects and being aggressive eg punching walls etc is categorised as physical abuse. It’s a warning shot to show you that if he wanted to, he could hurt you. Maybe not even consciously, but this aggression around you is designed to intimidate.

OP please read ths again. He is threatening and intimidating you.

am definitely not unsafe, he wouldn’t do anything violent to me

He’s just come into the room threw a bar of chocolate at me and shouted at me

I don’t know it just makes my heart race and freaks me out

Oh my love. You know this is bad. That's why you posted on here.

Do you need him to punch you in the face before you decide if he's violent or not?

Stop minimising. Speak to a friend/family today, And make plans to leave.

This was happening around midnight. If you share walls with neighbours, they will be wondering how soon to call the police on your behalf.

What everyone else says. Plus, if he was that bothered about the door, why hasn't he done anything about it? Changing a lock isn't difficult.

You’re not being OTT - he is being abusive. He doesn’t have a right to shout and be aggressive over a mistake. Normal, decent people don’t behave that way.

I hope you’re ok now. Please don’t think this is normal behaviour - it isn’t

You feel scared because you aren't safe. You say he wouldn't be violent to you but what he's doing is threatening you with violence. That's why you feel scared.
This is so far from ok. Please don't have children with him!

OP regardless of whether you think he won’t hurt you or not he’s exhibiting behaviours that you don’t like and that scare you so he’s completely out of order.
You need to put your foot down and tell him if it happens again you will be leaving. Why do you just accept it?
You don’t act like that around someone you supposedly love. Do you think he would react to any of his friends like this?

I am echoing a PP. You are deluding yourself. He is a vile nasty bully. As yourself if you are happy being married to a vile nasty bully.

If I left the door open, my DH would say, you melt, you left t door open. D'ya want a brew? The end.

Be your own best friend and walk away before he knocks your teeth out.

This is absolutely not acceptable, it is abuse and domestic violence. I would leave anyone who treated me like this, no discussion, no argument, I'd just leave and file for divorce.
Your husband is the ONE person you should feel safe with, you should never be afraid of your husband.

This is how domestic abuse starts, first the tantrums and bullying, then moves on to physical violence. I've been there.

I would hardly call this a mistake! Do you have animals or small children that could have got out the open door? If not, what on earth is he cross about?

What odd behaviour. He needs to grow up. You don't have to put up with this.

...he wouldn’t do anything violent to me.

Chips, he already has. He threw a chocolate bar at you, which could have damaged your eye had it hit you there. Besides, throwing, kicking, slamming, shouting, banging, etc. are acts of violence meant to frighten and dominate you.

On a recent thread you said he is the ‘kindest, most loving man.’ He’s not. Your Ex cheated, so it sounds like you’ve gone from one abuser to another.

Please take steps to get away from this contemptuous brute. Consider seeking counseling to examine why you are willing to settle for such mistreatment.

Is he like this around other people, OP? Is he like this at work? If so then you might just have a shot at convincing us that he's got general anger management issues. Even then I'd still make him getting help for them a condition of staying in the relationship.

If not, if it's only you who gets to see this behaviour then whether you want to admit it or not this behaviour is designed to frighten and control you.

This is your husband so whilst you could leave if you want to, there are strings attached and the breakdown of a marriage which you’d have to come to terms with. People say LTB because it’s an easy statement to make but it’s not that simple when you’re married. OP do you want to separate from this man? Or is he the best thing since sliced bread aside from this? Could you look into couples counselling, anger management for him etc?

FGS don't get pregnant. And couples counselling where there is abuse isn't recommended. Get external help for yourself.

I feel for you, OP. As everyone on this thread does. Breaking up with someone you love is horribly difficult and feels like a bereavement even when you’ve taken the action yourself.

But once you’ve made the break, you start healing. As long as you stay with the abuse, you can’t ever heal because the harm is continuing.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

Throwing objects and being aggressive eg punching walls etc is categorised as physical abuse. It’s a warning shot to show you that if he wanted to, he could hurt you. Maybe not even consciously, but this aggression around you is designed to intimidate.

Do you think he behaves like that at work when someone does something to annoy him? Or is it reserved for home where he feels like he’s the boss and you’re an unsatisfactory employee.

I know the feeling when you find the door open and it does shake me up, but I deal with it by making it clear to whomever left it open that it’s a massive security breach and makes me feel unsafe, and to please be more careful. What I don’t and would NEVER do is throw things and shout at people smaller and weaker than I am in order to scare them into submission. It’s not ok

This Please consider your relationship OP.

Wouldn’t do anything violent to you? OP what you describe, to me, is violent, aggressive behaviour. What an awful way to live after a genuine mistake. Totally unacceptable treatment.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

He is yet another man who does not care about you OP.

Do not under any circumstances undertake any form of joint counselling with him; it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. AM courses as well are no answer to domestic violence which is what you are describing here. It is but a short step between punching walls and throwing things and punching you and throwing you; he is showing you that you will be next.

I have done this before! For perspective = a couple of years ago I left a side door open all day and went to work. My partner called me mid afternoon when he got home and said did I know the door was wide open? I was shocked and apologetic, said I was in a mega rush, blah blah blah. He said mistakes happen and to be careful or something along those lines. He said he wouldn’t want anything to happen to us or the house. End of story.

I know it’s hard to admit to yourself, but your husband is a bully. What husband threatens his wife? Makes her feel unsafe in her own home? Makes her scared of him? You are scared and your heart is racing and your husband has caused these feelings and that is not okay. If this was your daughter or sister or mother who were sat scared and upset in their own home due to their partner’s behaviour, what would you say to them? Throwing a chocolate bar at you, however trivial you make it out to be in your own head, is nasty and wrong. I know it’s much easier said than done to walk away, but you need to take steps to prevent this. If you are not willing to walk, you need to get him to anger management, counselling, or on medication ASAP. If he can react like that to a door left open - a genuine mistake - I dread to think how his behaviour would escalate if something ACTUALLY bad happened.

You left a door open op! Let's get it into perspective, it's a door! No one died, no one was hurt. It shouldn't have even registered a response tbh.

As for he's never been violent throwing things at your IS violence

'Wouldn't do anything violent' ?
You seem to think that if it doesn't involve a slap or some kind of body contact its not violent.
I've got news for you, you're wrong.
You are being subjected to psychological violence, that's a real thing.

End this relationship pronto sweetheart.