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This is monumentally shit, right?

260 replies

yukitree · 06/06/2021 23:00

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months, things have been going really well and it's at the stage where things are starting to get a bit more serious. We had plans for this evening for us to get a take out at his. He went to the pub with his friends this afternoon, then I text him when I was leaving and he invited me to the pub too. This is probably a bit naive on my part, but I expected to stay for a drink and then do the original plan of going back to his. When I showed up he was drunk, and I sat there for an hour and a half feeling awkward with 4 blokes I hadn't met before. During which he was jokingly asking things like 'who would you bang out of my friends'. To be honest I felt really uncomfortable the whole time, and maybe I should've preempted it, but had I known I'd be sitting there for over an hour with men I didn't know (whilst really hungry as I hadn't had any dinner!) I wouldn't have bothered. I could've forgiven the sitting in the pub awkwardly for an hour and a half but then to make matters worse, he decides to drive home, he'd had at least 6 pints so he was well over the limit.

Up to this point I had really liked him, there were no red flags and things were going great. I feel really upset (maybe I'm being sensitive), but this is monumentally shit isn't it and I shouldn't see him again. Oh and to add - we are both in our late 30s with children.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 07/06/2021 11:00

I sat there for an hour and a half feeling awkward

Not sure what to respond

I really don't think he deserves any kind of direct response. Usually, I'm all for providing feedback and discussing things.

Block on all channels.

In this case, I really don't know which part disturbs me the most. Drunk driving is an obvious taboo but asking 'which one would you' isn't good and repeating it in the face of disapproving audience is not, let's just say, ideal boyfriend material.

The learning point for you would be to value your own time a bit more. Why sit there fir 90minx feeling awkward ? If he suggests changing plans it's fair enough yo decline, see you next week. If you guess it will be one quick drink and he keeps drinking, you can still say 'ok, I'm out of here'... etc

Only useful thing is you have seen his true colours. Just block him. He deserves nothing from you. You have no obligations towards him, or anyone else.

Lili132 · 07/06/2021 11:00

I'm surprised so many people would accept the pub incident as forgivable. Him getting drunk before you got there, having 5 other mates there without even mentioning it to you and then his stupid comments show his true side - he is immature and disrespectful. And sorry but no one "accidentally" drinks so much.

Him getting in a car drunk is a huge red flag.

You need to run and count yourself lucky for escaping early!

Life with someone like him would be extremely stressful and sad.

Shortbreadbrokemytooth · 07/06/2021 11:02

‘You drove home while drunk and said some nasty things last night. I find that behaviour unacceptable and we are obviously completely incompatible. I never want to see or hear from you again.’

Wheresthebeach · 07/06/2021 11:06

@Shortbreadbrokemytooth

‘You drove home while drunk and said some nasty things last night. I find that behaviour unacceptable and we are obviously completely incompatible. I never want to see or hear from you again.’
That's sums it up pretty well!
baileys6904 · 07/06/2021 11:10

Awww @cleverpolly3. I'll give you the attention you so clearly crave with you judgemental annihilating statements.

Have you ever dealt with a drunk man? One that's clearly too arseholed to be concerned about driving and the ramifications of such? One that, if they don't care about killing an innocent person, potentially child, they're probably not going to be overly concerned about knocking a woman around? A woman that's clearly trying to process what the fuck happened to the seemingly charming chap she'd been dating. A woman who'd been publicly humiliated by someone she cared for and likely thought the feeling was reciprocated?

Or are things so matter of fact in your world that you feel justified to jump in on anyone that doesn't see things quite your way, or explain themselves exactly as you think they should?

Life must be so boring in black and white.

OP I'm glad you saw him for who he was. Hope you're ok this morning. He's not worth you're energy

sadperson16 · 07/06/2021 11:10

He is a criminal. End of.

Cleverpolly3 · 07/06/2021 11:25

@baileys6904

Awww *@cleverpolly3*. I'll give you the attention you so clearly crave with you judgemental annihilating statements.

Have you ever dealt with a drunk man? One that's clearly too arseholed to be concerned about driving and the ramifications of such? One that, if they don't care about killing an innocent person, potentially child, they're probably not going to be overly concerned about knocking a woman around? A woman that's clearly trying to process what the fuck happened to the seemingly charming chap she'd been dating. A woman who'd been publicly humiliated by someone she cared for and likely thought the feeling was reciprocated?

Or are things so matter of fact in your world that you feel justified to jump in on anyone that doesn't see things quite your way, or explain themselves exactly as you think they should?

Life must be so boring in black and white.

OP I'm glad you saw him for who he was. Hope you're ok this morning. He's not worth you're energy

😂😂😂 at your hyperbole. Apart from me being judgmental. I most definitely am in this case and rightly so.

She was in a pub with other people, she is a grown woman and she ought to have immediately called the police if she and no other members of the public could prevent him from driving off after a skinful.

And as for all this guff about him being a previously seemingly charming chap and public humiliation. Get a grip. Realising the bloke you’ve been dating for a short while is in fact a total bell end isn’t so devastating that you watch him drive off after six pints and do FA about it, in the full knowledge he could kill someone and destroy several lives.

When it comes to drink drivers and anyone who turns a blind eye to it in my view they are both disgraceful.

It really is that black and white for me. There is no possible excuse here.

Cleverpolly3 · 07/06/2021 11:27

@HaveringWavering

Calling the police, I can see that with hindsight she should have done that. However please stop trying to shame her for “letting” him drive- he is a grown man, his male friend was unable to do so and she was not going to have been able to physically wrestle his keys from him or block the car’s movement without putting herself in danger.
It is shameful She should have immediately called the police.

Try telling people who have lost loved ones to drunk drivers that there was nothing people who saw them get in a car and drive off could do.

tinysundancer · 07/06/2021 11:30

Please tell me you did not get in the car with him - anyone that drinks drives does is a complete idiot - putting himself and others at risk - walk away

scoobydoo1971 · 07/06/2021 11:34

Be grateful for having a good view of who this man is, before you waste anymore of your life on him. He gets drunk, he drives while drunk (selfish, illegal, irresponsible, potentially lethal), he doesn't make time for you for a proper date, he values his friends over you, he says inappropriate things about you in front of his mates (respect?)...that makes him a loser. You had a nice view of who he is, and what you can expect in the future if you stay with him...so run, hills over there.

LadyCatStark · 07/06/2021 11:41

Better to ditch him now than deal with the consequences of when he crashes his car when drunk (hopefully not into anyone else!).

SparklingStars10 · 07/06/2021 11:44

Oh FFS Mumsnet thread police are out in force today 😂 I replied to the original post where it wasn’t clear.

WilsonMilson · 07/06/2021 11:57

“Who would you bang?” Is he 14?

That aside, the drink driving is totally unacceptable. Did you go back to his or did you just go home yourself in your own car?

I wouldn’t contact him again. What an absolute loser.

Whereswally2 · 07/06/2021 12:03

@yukitree and how would you of felt if God forbid he got into an accidental and potentional seriously hurt or killed someone? This man if you continue a relationship with and get serious will be introduced to your children. I wouldnt want that type of influence around him. He sounds immature and irresponsible and the pints dont excuse that. They just bring out that side to him that already exists because I'm sure you wouldnt behave like that drunk and neither would most of us.

eatitgood · 07/06/2021 12:19

"I won't be seeing you again. You know why".

baileys6904 · 07/06/2021 12:20

@cleverpolly3 I am truly grateful you've lived in a life that's so simple and never fearful and have absolutely no understanding how powerless someone can feel. Or had experience where 'wtf' can get in the way of decisions made in the cold light of day.

Truely grateful

Takeitonthechin · 07/06/2021 12:24

I'm afraid I would've walked away after the comments.... letting someone drive whilst clearly over the limit is asking for trouble... I'd run like the wind & never want any contact again.

MintyMabel · 07/06/2021 13:04

The pub thing - he was drunk, it’s forgiveable.

What a low bar to set for yourself.

daisychain01 · 07/06/2021 13:10

Sorry, what? In COVID terms, going to pubs is legal. There were 6 of them.

Bin him off for being a dick and drink driving, but covid is totally irrelevant in this scenario

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand.

Give me strength can you really not see the link??

Man goes down pub, gets drunk, social distancing completely off the radar, probably hang around the neck of some random stranger he's never met before like drunks tend to. In other words, he doesn't give a stuff about behaving responsibly when we are still in a time of COVID infections. Then passes it to the OP. This shit does matter and it is relevant. He doesn't care about the OP at this early time in their "relationship" is a big red flag.

stuntfarter · 07/06/2021 13:16

If you look on the brighter side of all of this you can clearly see you have dodged a bullet , he's shown his true colours and they are not pretty
You sound lovely and worthy of someone with better qualities than his

As for his text today sounds like he's not even aware that he's acted like a fool yesterday , a simple polite 'thanks but we are not compatible'

And move on

Cleverpolly3 · 07/06/2021 13:24

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cuparfull · 07/06/2021 13:51

You should have reported him for drink driving! This ones going nowhere, ditch him now.

baileys6904 · 07/06/2021 14:06

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yukitree · 07/06/2021 14:54

It's very easy to say what you'd do in a scenario when you're reading it second hand on a forum.

Should I have called the police? Yes. However:

  1. I don't know his numberplate, make or model of his car and wouldn't have had time to take it down given how quick it all happened and I was shocked.
  1. All of this happened within the space of a couple of minutes. I was caught up in the argument between him / his friend / whilst trying to drive my own car alongside him and convince him not to drive off.
  1. I was reeling from and processing his behaviour at the pub whilst all of this was happening.

I am not ruminating over his behaviour at the pub either. It's a given that the drunk driving is appalling and despicable. Other posters have been commenting on his behaviour and whether it was forgivable/excusable or not - that is what I was pondering and responding to. I don't need to elaborate on the drunk driving - he's a twat for doing that.

OP posts:
MrsBongiovi · 07/06/2021 15:03

yukitree

If you’re ever in the situation again, take a photo of the number plate on your phone if you can. It could literally save someone’s life by reporting. A relative of mine was killed by a drunk driver as he walked home from a night out many years ago. It’s completely devastating to have someone taken from you in such a sudden and unnecessary way. It always makes me feel sick when I hear about anyone drink driving.

Anyway, I hope you dumped him.