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Original poster

This is monumentally shit, right?

260 replies

yukitree · 06/06/2021 23:00

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months, things have been going really well and it's at the stage where things are starting to get a bit more serious. We had plans for this evening for us to get a take out at his. He went to the pub with his friends this afternoon, then I text him when I was leaving and he invited me to the pub too. This is probably a bit naive on my part, but I expected to stay for a drink and then do the original plan of going back to his. When I showed up he was drunk, and I sat there for an hour and a half feeling awkward with 4 blokes I hadn't met before. During which he was jokingly asking things like 'who would you bang out of my friends'. To be honest I felt really uncomfortable the whole time, and maybe I should've preempted it, but had I known I'd be sitting there for over an hour with men I didn't know (whilst really hungry as I hadn't had any dinner!) I wouldn't have bothered. I could've forgiven the sitting in the pub awkwardly for an hour and a half but then to make matters worse, he decides to drive home, he'd had at least 6 pints so he was well over the limit.

Up to this point I had really liked him, there were no red flags and things were going great. I feel really upset (maybe I'm being sensitive), but this is monumentally shit isn't it and I shouldn't see him again. Oh and to add - we are both in our late 30s with children.

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 07/06/2021 07:53

My friend’s husband was killed by a drunk driver. I hope you report him.

And no, it’s not shit. It’s great. He’s shown you who he really is - not the man you thought he was.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 07/06/2021 07:53

@daisychain01

Sorry to bring COVID into this, but he has scant regard for infection, going down the pub at the moment, getting so drunk he asks you which of his friends you'd sleep with and leaving you sitting there for an hour. And drink driving.

What more evidence do you need? Do you really see yourself longterm with this brand of numbskull.

Sorry, what? In COVID terms, going to pubs is legal. There were 6 of them.

Bin him off for being a dick and drink driving, but covid is totally irrelevant in this scenario.

30mph · 07/06/2021 07:55

Yeah. It is shit. However, after just two months you have the bonus of enough early red flags to get rid quickly. Move on.

VettiyaIruken · 07/06/2021 07:58

This is the relationship equivalent of gross misconduct. Immediate termination worthy. (Of relationship. Not advocating hiring a hit man 😁)

Asking you sexual questions that are hypothetically pimping you out to his pals is disgusting and shows he has no respect for you.

He's an aggressive drunk.

As for the drink driving, he could have killed someone. Anyone who thinks it's ok to drink and drive is not someone you want to be in a relationship with.

No doubt he'll be full of apologies and excuses but you got a (much needed) look at who this man actually is. Don't waste it.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/06/2021 07:58

I can't believe you didn't call the police on him. What a wanker. He's single because he's a loser. Block and delete. Total dealbreaker and it's scary you even have to ask.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 07/06/2021 07:58

I don’t blame anyone for getting drunk when the pubs have just reopened. But his rudeness to you, the sleazy ‘banter’, and above all drink-driving — no.

PollyDarton1 · 07/06/2021 08:06

The drunken behaviour with mates after lockdown etc - I could see past. The lewd comment, less so.

But I absolutely couldn't and wouldn't see past the drinking and driving. I once went on a date where a guy had 3 pints and drove and I binned him off immediately, I wasn't going to continue dating someone that reckless.

You've dodged a bullet there OP.

Wheresthebeach · 07/06/2021 08:20

@RealisticSketch

Drink lowers your inhibitions so I think you get to see a true insight into someone's hidden self when they're drink. My usually reticent DH is more chatty and affectionate when drink. He's never asked me about banging his mates that's more than crass that's revolting purile and disrespectful. EnvyAngry
Agree with this. Bin and move on. Tell him why. Driving after 6 pints? You've seen what you're in for. There will be more to come if you stay.
Original poster
yukitree · 07/06/2021 08:27

I didn't report him at the time. To be honest I was shocked and very upset. I couldn't believe what I was seeing, as up to this point he had been the model guy. After the argument with his friend, (repeatedly telling him not to drive drunk and being sworn at and driving off anyway), I ended up making awkward small talk with his friend.

I agree the getting carried away and drunkenness is forgivable and excusable to an extent. However, if I'd made plans with him and met up with my friends, at such an early stage where we are still trying to impress one another, there's no way I would've got drunk to the point where our plans completely went out of the window. This is best behaviour time. His friends clearly felt embarrassed and uncomfortable too, as they also found his 'who would you bang comments' strange and nobody laughed (he asked twice in a row), despite it going down like a lead balloon.

He's told me that his relationships have failed in the past because he enjoys going out and spending time with his friends a lot - I bet the real reason is that he can't control himself and shows himself up to be a twat. If he's happy to swear at a friend when they tell him to stop drunk driving, I'd put money on him being happy to do the same to me (and probably ex-girlfriends!)

He's text me as normal this morning, no apology, just acting like nothing has happened. He did apologise last night whilst drunk. Not sure what to respond, but want to make a point that he's being dumped because of the drunk driving.

OP posts:
longwayoff · 07/06/2021 08:31

He's a lazy bastard who's not worth the time of day. Bin and move on.

fedup078 · 07/06/2021 08:33

You tell him exactly why you won't be having any contact with him again and then you block him on everything

tenredthings · 07/06/2021 08:35

Just be thankful the universe has show him up for what he is before you wasted to much of your time and emotion on him. He's sounds dreadful and a total idiot.

FionaMacCool · 07/06/2021 08:35

Hmmm....OP, right decision to dump him.
It sounds as if you are looking for the "perfect words" so that he sees the errors of his ways.

He's a guy in his late 30's with kids. There are no words that will make him realise that he's a prat. Plus, it's not your responsibility to help him to that realisation.
Given his behaviour, he doesn't deserve and wont understand why, an explanation of why he is being binned.

rjacksmiss · 07/06/2021 08:35

That would give me "the ick" It's so sloppy.

You have 2 choices really. Be honest and tell him everything he done and how you don't find that attractive or want a partner that behaves like that. See if he even is open to changing how he is. Or 2.. taper it off. Tell him you're not longer interested.

FreekStar · 07/06/2021 08:37

You know what they say; drink brings out the real you!

So I'd take it that I'd had an early warning and ditch him now!

supermoonrising · 07/06/2021 08:40

Driving after “at least six pints”. He sounds wonderful.

PeridotPenelope · 07/06/2021 08:41

No chance. Putting you in a situation where you feel uncomfortable (I would too), the crass talk in front of his friends and drink driving shows no respect. Let alone breaking your previous arrangement of a takeout in preference of getting pissed with his mates.

And this is in an early stage of your relationship. It would only get worse.

Well done for spotting red flags.

I wouldn’t tolerate any of what you describe at this stage of dating. They should be showing you their best side and best wanting to impress you, not this.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/06/2021 08:42

He's told me that his relationships have failed in the past because he enjoys going out and spending time with his friends a lot - I bet the real reason is that he can't control himself and shows himself up to be a twat. If he's happy to swear at a friend when they tell him to stop drunk driving, I'd put money on him being happy to do the same to me (and probably ex-girlfriends!)

He's a nasty drunk with no self control, that's why his relationships fail. What a shit excuse for a parent.

Yeah, I'd make it a point why he's being dumped.

'You value getting wasted over all else. You could have killed someone drink driving. It's a total dealbreaker for me. You're a criminal and a loser. Goodbye.'

Block and delete.

And actually, the whole getting drunk and being as gross as he was is 'forgiveable'? Is it? My teenage daughter wouldn't even put up with that. What a turnoff.

Ringsender2 · 07/06/2021 08:42

I think you've had a lucky early insight into an aspect of his character you hadn't seen previously. You're only a couple of months in, not a couple of years. Will be painful to disengage, but not nearly as hard as if you were more fully engaged.

Figgygal · 07/06/2021 08:44

Same here absolutely zero tolerance for drink-driving don’t care if he is made of solid gold he would be getting the boot for that
Idiot

category12 · 07/06/2021 08:45

I'd say something like "oh wow, are you really going to act like nothing happened last night? You behaved really badly and drove drunk, if you don't remember. So, that's it for us, I don't want that in my life. All the best, bye."

ihtwsf · 07/06/2021 08:49

I don't mind meeting friends and chatting, but it was being put unexpectedly into a situation with 5 drunk men, who I hadn't met before. I wasn't told we'd be staying there for a hour - or not eating anymore / doing the original plan - I was just invited to the pub. I should've known better to be honest, but up until this point everything had been great so I assumed we'd stay for a drink and then go home. I felt really awkward and embarrassed, and I feel like the friends also thought it was awkward me being there

You seem to be focussing more on this than the drink driving.
He drink drives. He gets binned immediately.
Then there's the "Which of my mates would you bang?" question. Bin for that too.
The being put in the situation with the drunk men unexpectedly isn't any where the near the worst of it.

This man is an absolute loser and has an alcohol problem. He probably regularly gets drunk in the afternoon with his friends. If your relationship progressed you'd be permanently sat at home expecting him home for a meal or to go out somewhere and he'd not appear.... then at some point turn up at home rolling drunk later on in the evening.
I lived with someone like this for 5 years and it was absolute hell. When I think how many evenings were wasted when I could have been doing something else. But no, ex had no control over his drinking so an after work beer which shouldn't have been a problem turned into a binge nearly every night of the week.
He was a drink driver too and was finally caught after we split.
While we were together he managed to stop drink driving but only because I was constantly going on about it and then I ended up driving half way around the country to pick up the drunken loser.

At the time I was too weak and my self-esteem was too low to kick his ass to kingdom come.
Please get rid of this drunken knob immediately before he brings you down with him.
A text message saying something like it's not working for me or whatever and then block.

FlatteredFool · 07/06/2021 08:49

I can't believe this is even a question and you didn't block him last night.

callmeadoctor · 07/06/2021 08:50

"I don't go out with drunk drivers" should suffice!

PeridotPenelope · 07/06/2021 08:51

Right decision OP. 100%. He embarrassed you and his friends. I couldn’t care less that he was drunk. That’s not an excuse to behave like an idiot. He knew he was seeing you later that evening which should have motivated him to keep within legal limits.

You could respond with something like

‘It was nice meeting you but I believe we have different values which would make it impossible to have a relationship. I don’t tolerate drink driving from anyone. It puts lives at risk. I wish you well. Good luck for the future’

Keep it brief, clear and to the point.