Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

So what exactly are you getting out of it?
LTB.
Calling you a c*nt is enough of a reason for a divorce.

This doesn't sound healthy at all. Incompatible views of what constitutes fun is one thing but the things he calls you and his guilt tripping/controlling behaviours are awful.

Please think really hard about IVF because once you have a child together the decision will be so much harder to make.

You have one life please do not settle for this. It's unsustainable pretending to be who you are not, but you already know that.

The fact that you are his security blanket is on him. Do not burden yourself with that.

You sound like you have good support system, a level of financial independence, healthy self esteem. Please don't let him wear you down anymore.

I think you know you need to leave your husband. He's horrible, you're not suited for each other, and having a baby with him would be a disaster.

I suspect you are just incompatible really, and it didn't show until after your marriage. So frustration and some abuse are now creeping in.

I must admit that I am very uncomfortable around drunk people. Getting so drunk you fell asleep on the stairs is unimpressive and very silly. I would have been angry with you too, though wouldn't have called you a cunt and a whore.

You probably do need to watch your drinking. It does sound rather too much.

You still just don't seem compatible anyway.

Leave him.

You might not want to be single at 40, but do you want to live like this (or worse) forthe rest of your life??

You sound very friendly & sociable, you'll meet someone else, that lives you exactly as you are, who doesn't want to turn you into a house pet!

Imagine being able to spend this summer going out with your friends and having a great time and not having to go home to a good scolding.

Live life to the full while you can & want to!!!

You don't need some 'okd before his time' boring, grumpy arse telling what you can & can't do!!

Don't think about how much time you've been with him, that time has gone now, no matter what. Think of the next 40 years and the fun & happiness you could have!!

Go free energiser bunny!!

Oh man, he is horrible to you and you're completely incompatible with each other. You know this. Don't stay just to have a baby, it will make things so much worse.

I think you're mistaken in thinking he wouldn't / doesn't have a life without you. He has a completely different idea of what a "life" is. His whole family does. Which is absolutely fine.

What isn't fine is him abusing you for having a different idea of a life.

He's never going to change and neither are you - that's all there is to it. If you stay and have a child with him, this is what your life will be like for at least the next 18 years. Unless you break up after having a baby, in which case your housing situation will be even more precarious and expensive.

You might have to sell your house if neither of you can buy the other out.

I'm afraid I'm not sure "opposites attract" is a real thing outside of rom coms.

A lot of the points you have mentioned are pretty typical for an introvert (needing downtime to re-energize after social encounters, being drained by having guests, not wanting to travel with people who aren't immediate family as needing to be 'on' all of the time is so draining). Unfortunately the opposite is true for extroverted people who are energised in the company of others. Neither is superior, just different, but it definitely creates compatibility challenges if both people don't understand themselves and each other well enough to manage the differences in a proactive and healthy way.

He rips the bedclothes off and calls you a cunt and a whore?

That is abusive and his other behaviour is controlling. How do you think bringing a baby into this will improve the situation?

Leave him. I don't say thatighrly as I understand how many years you've put into this. But the aggression, the swearing, the intimidation and control... it reads very, very bad to an outsider.

Take your chances. You are old but 40 isn't too old to start again. Do you really want a child with this jerk? I would rather have no kids than put up with this for the next 40 years.

You really aren’t compatible. My dh is a lot more extroverted than me. Consequently I have always needed time alone to recharge. But if I was like your dh, if wouldn’t have worked. Your dh is not wrong, he’s different.

If you go through with the Ivf and you have a child, who is like your dh, what are you going to feel? You can’t force your child to be be outgoing. My dd never wants to be at home. Her friend from when she was a baby never wants to go out. How would you cope with a child, who doesn’t want to spend a lot of time doing stuff or even being with you? There are consequences to having children with parents, whose genetic make up doesn’t suit you.

@GammyLeg

He rips the bedclothes off and calls you a cunt and a whore?

That is abusive and his other behaviour is controlling. How do you think bringing a baby into this will improve the situation?

I forgot to address this. This is the most important reason not to have children with him.

The headline is that the name calling and the general Incompatibility means you should leave.

There is no defense for the abuse, but perspective is everything. Basically, there is not nothing wrong with how your husband wants to live. The description of alcohol use is also quite concerning.

You both sound completely incompatible.

Being single as 40 sounds horrible? I’d say the short summary of your relationship sounds far worse and I mean this kindly. I’d really recommend getting some therapy if anything it would help bring clarity.

I agree with the PP, having a child when a relationship is already fragile is a recipe for disaster. Your problems will be magnified when a child is brought into this unhealthy dynamic.

Lastly whatever annoying habit that irritates you to insanity is reason enough for divorce. Just saying.

I agree with @MustbeGracie that this is an extrovert/introvert clash.

Writ large.

Oh OP. Get out now.

Do not be distracted by the extrovert/introvert factors.

He calls you a cunt.
He calls you a whore.
These are said in anger.

This is unacceptable and you need to end the relationship.

he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a ct, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating

It's abusive. Leave.

Is the IVF because of your infertility? Can you separate and do the IVF with donor sperm? Honestly, you do need to leave, but I understand staying so you can have a child.

Deciding to stay NOW doesn't mean you have to stay forever. But, is he someone you will be happy coparenting with if you leave after you've had children?

@GammyLeg

He rips the bedclothes off and calls you a cunt and a whore?

That is abusive and his other behaviour is controlling. How do you think bringing a baby into this will improve the situation?

This is the bit you need to focus on. A child brought up in a home where there is abuse (even if it happens when they are in bed) is considered by ss as being abused. By staying with this man and bring a child into the situation you will be failing to protect the child from abuse.

You deserve so much more than this. No one should be being abused.

I got to the whore calling and I think the best thing to is leave. Being incompatible is the very least of your problems here.

People become single at 40 and there are options if you want a baby. You don't have to tie yourself to an abuser.

He sounds like one of these really controlling types that would get 100x worse when you have a young baby and become more dependent on him.
He’s trying to control your behaviour now but it will get worse then.

You"re at opposite ends of the spectrum. He's quite rigid and a homebody, you drink and party a lot for a 40yo trying to get pregnant.

There's a happy medium in there somewhere but it's irrelevant here because he's also abusive, so you need to call it quits.

Don't bring a child into a relationship like that. He sounds controlling, strange and, yes, boring. Your life partner needs to love and accept you for who you are. Leave him.

My life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

Your abusive, controlling H treats you with utter contempt. He also treats your little sister ‘appallingly,’ which is disturbing.

The idea of bringing a child into this train-wreck is chilling. Not only would he/she be exposed to a toxic relationship model, but your H would probably mistreat them also.

I would walk away before you become totally diminished. Consider becoming a mother via a sperm donation or adoption.

Do not have a baby with this man. He will never "allow" you out again. The abuse will get worse.

You may find someone who loves you for who you are and have a child with them still and there are other options too.