Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.
In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!
We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.
Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.
We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.
If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!
There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice? 