Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

He sounds awful.

You don't sound compatible and imo it does sound like you drink too much but that's not the real problem.
If he's calling you a cunt and a whore, videoing you when you are vulnerable and pulling the bedclothes off while you're sleeping, then that's abuse. You can't put up with that. You know you can't. Having children with him will just make it worse.
Also, FWIW I was single at 40 after a divorce and it was amazing. Not having to walk on eggshells in my own home and doing whatever I wanted was the best thing in the world.

Single at 40 isn't horrible. Being saddled with this man forever because a child links you together does, though.

@orangecinnamon

How are some of you extracting from the comments below that *@Kerrik* has a drink problem and not an abusive husband problem? Give your heads a wobble!

got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017

Glass of wine on a Saturday night with a film

Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed

Actually, you've got a point. Put together, that doesn't sound excessive. Apologies, OP.

He rips the bedclothes off and calls you a cunt and a whore?
That would be enough to make me leave without everything else. O have been in some states over the years but my Dh has looked after me not abused when I've been drunk.

That is abusive and his other behaviour is controlling. How do you think bringing a baby into this will improve the situation?
This is so important to listen to.

Please leave, it will only get worse. There's nothing wrong with being single at 40, it will probably be liberating for you.

I'm newly divorced at 65 and life is so much better than being in an abusive marriage.

He's stifling the life out of you!
You're still young but he sounds like an old man!
Please don't have a baby with him because he will get worse, not better. I would be seriously considering leaving him because he sounds absolutely awful.

If you do decide to split, please confide in someone before you tell him as his aggression could escalate. And if you’re scared of him, phone the police.

Putting aside that your husband is clearly abusive to you and you should probably leave him anyway as you are not a good match for each other.

On paper, neither are me and my partner.
He's an introvert, doesn't have many friends and generally is happy in his own company or with me.

I am more like you. I love a party and will drink too much and get a bit messy.

He knows this and has known this since we started dating.

The difference is, he has never once stopped me from doing what I want to do or tried to impose any rules or standards on me.
He waves me off, hides a key for me (so I don't lose it) and makes me bacon in the morning.

He's not that keen on going away with my friends but he'll help me plan my trips without him and will occasionally come along.

Your husband is controlling you, trying to restrict your life to fit in with his and he is abusive.
Please don't have a child with him because if you do, every last bit of freedom you have will be taken away. He'll have a very good reason to make sure you have to stay home or be with him.

You can imagine your first post-baby night out planned. If he doesn't stop you going by sulking or refusing to care for his child, he'll be the bloke ringing and texting through the night until you decide it's easier just to not leave the baby with him because he can't cope.

I think really you know this can't work which is devastating but you will be ok.

OP you can't stay with this horrible man

For goodness sakes stop IVF before you get yourself stuck with this man for 18 years plus, and give yourself time to think this through. From your post, I think the different attitudes to socialising are probably something you can compromise on, but his attitude towards you is appalling. I couldn't live with someone who called me a whore etc, and neither should you (or anyone else!). Imagine your friend just told you all this, what would you advise them to do? And then do it. You must know that you deserve better.

@Blackburn2020 I’ve just been thoroughly told off by my 20-something DD for sleeping in one morning a week when she was a junior (single parent), so I’m feeling a bit guilty and not claiming the moral high ground. Certainly if I’d been rolling drunk she would never have let me forget it.

The party lifestyle is absolutely not doable with a baby IME.

You're not compatible. FGS don't add a child into the mix - it wont end well. You need to have a frank discussion and decide whether staying together works for both of you as neither of you sound happy in this relationship.

Do you love him? It doesn't sound like you do. If you dont you can't start a family with him.

You've been together a long time. How about counselling if you want to save the relationship? If all you want is a baby and not to be single thats not a reason to stay.

Having DC you have less time for friends and drinking. So theres that to consider.

From his side would he say you have an alcohol problem? Would it be better if you cut down the booze? If seeing friends has to mean drinking I think you need to address that even if you dont stay with him.

Please do not have a child with this man, it is a miserable life being stuck with someone you can't stand and no matter what anyone says so hard to leave especially when you are from another country. You will probably never be able to go home with the kids so you're stuck in a foreign country alone for the rest of your life and with a cunt.

OP why are you ruining your life from fear of being single? This is infinitely worse.

You will end up a single mother if you have a kid with this man, so you might as well plan that proactively with better quality sperm.

I'm an introvert and my DH is an extrovert. I've never called him names, stopped him going out or judged him for having a few too many. That's not normal.

If you have a baby with him I think it will be worse. He'll try to make you feel guilty any time you want to go out, not just on a weeknight.

Do not have a baby with this abusive specimen. If you do you will be completely trapped

Were his parents problem drinkers?

You know you need to leave him. Don't tie yourself to him further by having a baby.

If it were a simple case of him not wanting to go out/drink....and you wanting to go out etc, then fair enough, it would be a lot to think about, re: ending things.

However, you mentioned that he judges you when you see friends on a "school night", he's verbally abusive to you, he takes the bedlinen of the bed when he's angry at you for going out/getting drunk (and it seems that you don't get really drunk very often), "he was so so angry it was scary" ----> no one should feel scared of their own spouse.

"... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am"-> what will you do if you go ahead with IVF, then you split up? I'll bet that he will use this/other "incidents" to make your life hell re: any Child Arrangement Order...

"but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot". What on earth has he done towards your baby sister?! That sounds really alarming! How do you know he won't treat a daughter "appallingly"?

Also, nothing wrong with being single and 40. I'm 40 and single. Ok, I do have children. But from experience, far better to not have kids with someone who is so abusive.

@Bagelsandbrie, I imagine that OP would probs decrease the going out/regular drinking (though it doesn't sound that bad - and I say that as a virtual teetotaller) etc if she had a child. I used to go out loads before I had kids (I was in my 20's). I've never been one for drinking much as my body just can't hack it. Now I rarely go out on an evening, but that's my preference (And I'm too knackered from working FT and being a single parent to muster the energy to "go out" out!). I don't miss it, as friends and I socialise in different ways (friends come over for a meal/coffee/catch up, or we meet for a picnic in the park etc). Priorities definitely change! But I know plenty of parents who will get in a babysitter and go out. That's quite normal I thought, so OP can def socialise still. I think OP's main issue is her "D'H.

You don’t sound very compatible and are unhappy together so you’d probably both be much happier apart.

However your drinking does sound concerning and you’d need to think about that before having a child. A baby needs a sober parent who puts their needs first, not a party animal.

OP, what you've written follows a similar story to a friend of mine. Move, she made friends, he didn't. Doesn't want to do the same thing, perhaps being jealous of her going out and making negative comments. Her DH doesn't visit her family (only DM and DS three hour drive away) - it's got worse, he'll drive up there with her, wave up at the flat and take the dog off for the day.

I'd really say to think about what you want for the future. My friend is still with her DH for the same reason as you - nothing has changed, other than the fact he's got worse in terms of mixing, uncomfortable comments. She has times when she's extremely unhappy. Growing up, her DH didn't want their DC to have friends around - it involved mixing with other people (he's got worse over time) - she actually have two lovely children, both of whom struggle to mix and I don't think her DH has helped.

Op there is so much life after 40! I left my ex at around that age due to falling out of love and only having one life to live. It was an incredibly hard scary decision that felt really selfish as I was the only one who wanted to split. I moved from a big house to a teeny flat and I have only been happy since.
Be brave. You deserve to be happy.

I am an extrovert; dh is an introvert.
We have both compromised over the years. Whether compromising has made us happy for 30 years or being happy has made us compromise is irrelevant.

The fact of the matter for the op (and her dh) is that neither of them are happy and life is too short to be unhappy. It is certainly too short to bring a child into an unhappy home.