Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

Well if you have a baby you will be utterly trapped because he will simply refuse to take on fair responsibility and 'allow you' to go out. It can take a lot of coordinating for parents of a young child to get downtime or time out so you are literally serving up your own imprisonment on a plate. You drink to excess and he smokes weed and sits on his PlayStation for hours like a teenager. What an awful environment for a child.

As a single late 30-something, I am genuinely baffled as to how you think being single would be worse than this??
Several things you have mentioned are reasons to leave even taken in isolation. Calling you a c*nt, filming you when you were drunk (how weird and creepy!) - either of these would be a reason to leave even if they were a one-off in an otherwise good relationship. He is a controlling, manipulative abuser. You need to leave him. Imagine how much worse things might get if you became pregnant or had a child. I bet he would be happy as you’d be more tied down and he could use your child as an excuse to guilt-trip you into staying home.
If you were single you would be free to do exactly as you liked. Even if you never met anyone else to have a child with, freedom is surely more important.

Do not have a baby with this man, a baby will not care about his ‘downtime’ so it will probably be left all up to you.

I would worry that if you do have a child his “judgement” will extend to other things. Parenting is hard enough without someone actively trying to make you feel shit about it

Don’t have a baby with him. As well as the introversion and the abusive behaviour, he also sounds like he thinks the same as my mother, who has a horror of alcohol because of her family past, and thinks that a woman only needs to go out with friends to pubs or clubs if she’s hunting for a man. As soon as she has a ring on her finger, in my mother’s view, she ‘retires’ and settles into marriage, which involves staying in, watching tv and deferring to your husband. If you’re still going out, it implies you’re still on the hunt.

(My mother is almost 80, from an extremely conservative rural background, and married my father at 20.)

It's fair to assume you two will have very different ideas of what parenthood will look like isn't it? Will he expect you to never go out in the evenings until your child is 18? Will he pull his weight or prioritise his down time? Will he whinge if you want to have your family visit to help with the baby?

Honestly this has disaster written all over it.

Yes to this

Then imagine if you split and he insists on 50/50 as a minimum. But still continues to smoke weed and do the bare minimum or less for your child.... but the courts order in favour of him having 50/50.

And what if the child is more like you and a girl? Will he call her a whore, emotionally and physically abuse her and make her life hell once she gets into her tweens and teens?

And if it’s a boy, will he teach him to be just like him? And even if it’s a girl, the outcome could be the same. Two abusive personalities.

You have no idea what you’re letting yourself in for going ahead with the ivf. Getting a baby is just the start. They don’t stay babies. Stick around and spend some time reading threads of women with kids, who feel trapped in marriages because they fear exactly this scenario.

Leave him.

Don't inflict this abusive life on an innocent child.

Neither of you changed after the marriage - people don’t magically change through a trip up the aisle - and marriage is about compromise.

Neither of you are displaying the behaviour required of a parent, parenting isn’t a compromise. You would need to be home and sober, He would need to be patient and kind.

Stop the IVF now and divorce, you will both be happier.

He spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions

Honestly I only got this far.

Ridiculous for a grown man who spends his free time this way to judge what you do with yours.

Dear OP

I will go further than saying you are incompatible - I think you've been sold a pup. Its quite a common scenario that the characteristic someone loved about you at first becomes the thing they later come to hate about you. He knew who you were when you married him but now he wants you to change and be someone else. You shouldn't and couldn't ever satisfy him nor should you try to somehow have a personality transplant.

And frankly his abuse is chilling and dangerous.

I am an extrovert and have a lot of friends. I do like downtime too and re-charging my batteries. But frankly I think the way your DH wants to live is extremely boring and dull - and worse than that he's determined to control and diminish you.

Its obvious you need to leave and not bring a child into this household. It will be far worse and cruel and unkind to your child. And for you this man will destroy your soul - your joy for life and energy. He is simply draining away your passion for life and giving you nothing in return.

Get support in real life - it sounds like you have a lot of people who won't be surprised and who will support you. Get yourself out of there and later think about babies. Now you need to be safe and free. Honestly, you will thrive once you get out of there - you will have your independence and freedom and be able to breath.

Hi OP he is soul destroying isn’t he.
How much weed does he smoke?
He cannot control your life, your fun and your future.
What does he bring that’s positive.
“A school night”:f.....off!!!
He’s not your parent.
He will not make a good father.
What’s the equity in the house if it was sold?
Would that help with a deposit.
Contact an independent mortgage broker based on your finances and see what you can borrow?
London and country/county and John charcoal -
Really imagine if you have a child with him - no no no - he will not give up his gaming or the weed - don’t forget he needs his downtime!!!

Can you imagine living this life fyr the next 40 years, he will get worse rather than better, you have to constantly dim your light for him. I understand your worries and being completely honest more than likely this will impact your chance to have a baby and live in your dream house. But you aren't happy and you will get more resentful with his bait and switch routine. Also you mention that he treats your sister appallingly. That's unacceptable. Gentle hugs but you have to make a tough choice, please do not accept future misery.

@NoBetterthanSheShouldBe

Neither of you are displaying the behaviour required of a parent, parenting isn’t a compromise. You would need to be home and sober

That’s a bit sanctimonious. There are no regulated behaviours that one must display before being ‘approved’ for parenting I’m a parent and I am sometimes not at home and not sober. From OPs post it doesn’t sound like she has a drinking problem. She just likes to socialise (with alcohol) more than her DH.

OP - you already know that your relationship is awful. I hope you have the strength to leave

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot

This is really concerning.

You are thinking of bringing a child into a relationship that you know is not strong, with a man you already seem to resent for all sorts of reasons. In the kindest way, how do you think that's going to pan out for your potential child?

It must be very difficult to feel like you'll never have a child if not with this man - I get it, we have infertility problems as well - but please think about the child as well as yourself. What are you bringing them into here? What is their childhood going to be like?

IVF is such a decisive process where you deliberately bring a child into the world. You know you are bringing a child into a situation that is a very long way from ideal. I know it's really, really hard but please think about this.

**“ he will not give up his gaming or the weed”

I don’t think he smokes the weed, it’s his PlayStation friends that do it. (Might be wrong?)

I agree with what been said. You are polar opposite and incompatible. My advice would be to spilt and use donor sperm for a baby.

He sounds like one of these really controlling types that would get 100x worse when you have a young baby and become more dependent on him.
He’s trying to control your behaviour now but it will get worse then.

You are heading into a major disaster. Please get out of it as soon as you can or, at least, don't bring a child into it.

I'm an introvert, married to an extrovert. There can be compromise but this man doesn't want compromise, he wants to control you.

You’re incompatible. The relationship benefits neither of you

@CrazyNeighbour

Well OP he is the living embodiment of The Stoney Grey Soil... he well and truly continues to burgle the bank of your youth.

I’d tell him to fuck off out of your life. Imagine having made zero friends since the age of eleven what an absolute joke.

And anyway, the OP wants to go to the dance in Billy Brennan’s barn tonight!

You think being single at 40 is a worse option than your current situation? It really isn't. Try it. ASAP.

How exactly is being single worse than this? Give your head a wobble and get out.