Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

I hate to point this out but you saying about the conditions you suffer and not getting through operations without him, but this is perfect for him. Not to say he doesn't care but you are relying on him and he looks like a Knight in shining armour to everyone. And oh, you wouldn't have been able to drink/socialise around all this either. Win win for him

My ex was utterly charming until I became pregnant. I spent most of my pregnancy in tears.

When he once thought I was going to leave him he raped me to try to get me pregnant again. He used to call me a cunt too and also didn't like me enjoying myself with my friends or drinking (while he merrily worked his way through vodka and painkillers).

Please don't have a child with this man and please get away from him. If he's like this now, he's only going to get worse.

I'm single, having finally got away, and everything is honestly fine. I can do what I want, when I want and I'm not stressed in the slightest.

Imagine the fun you could have at your Dad's 70th or visiting your sister in Oz if he was out of your life. Leaving him now does not automatically rule out having a child either.

At the very least you are both incompatible, and on the other end if the spectrum, he is an emotionally abusive jerk.

Get into counselling together or leave this man. It will destroy the both of you if not.

@Kerrik In your reply you have said nothing really except he is nice to you when you're in pain and vulnerable and therefore when it suits him. You haven't anything we've said really. You haven't said that you've decided to stop IVF with him and have decided to leave him.

What are you going to do?

You could introduce a child to the life you are having now - a life of restrictions and vicious insults - because someone like this man will not hold back on treating a child the way he treats you, or worse.

Doing that would be a far worse thing to do than not having a child at all.

If you want to tolerate his nastiness then do so, but please don't inflict it on a child.

It would be unthinkably selfish to knowingly introduce a child into this environment and dynamic.

Thought experiment: some scientists have just discovered that men who spend 12+ hours a week gaming online or smoking weed have poor sperm counts and greatly lowered expectations of successfully fathering a child.

In this hypothetical situation, how much do you want to stay?

midlifecrash, that seems the least important thing about all this.
There needs to be no child at all brought into this situation.

Of course, lots of women would go right ahead and have a child with a horrible man like this.
I hope the OP is not so foolish.

You poor girl please leave him. This relationship is wrong on every level. You’re scared of him and the consequences if you live your life according to your personality. Don’t have a child with Him or you will be really trapped. Yes you will lose your home but you will gain your freedom which is what you really need. Good luck - I just want
To give you a big hug

that is my point SengaMac. Take the thought of a child out of the equation, what is left?

Do you plan to change your drinking and social life after you have a baby ? I think a few glasses of wine is fine but drunk regularly is different.

Oh FFS, isn't this what most people do?

One mention of alcohol or, God Forbid, being drunk and the sanctimony starts. It's tedious. Most people live very different lives pre-children. Shocker.

Some don’t thought. Some go on getting really drunk and their children pay the price.

I think a fairly simple way to look at it is - do you want to reproduce your husband? Do you want to raise a boy who will turn out to be just like him (real possibility). Do you want to oarent with your partner?

If the answers no, you might have a really miserable time. Imagine the fights you will get into when you have an attitude of 'let teenagers be teenagers' and he's fuming because of this or that. It's just going to constant arguing with you too. I can see it now.

I'm sure he has good sides. It's hard having people criticizing him when they haven't seen these. You're in a difficult situation and it's not easy. However, just the extroversion/introversion would put a strain on a couple. It does sometimes work, but extroverts frequently want a partner they can go out and socialise and be merry with a variety of other people with whereas introverts generally onky like to spend time with people they have deep bonds with, or sometimes not at all. Anything else is tedious timewasting, not fun. It's not a magic wand, but you might be happier with someone whose lifestyle expectations are more similar to you own, or at least more tolerant of them. Some introverts really like having extrovert partners though - it means they're out of the house more often leaving them time and space to recharge. It depends but I think there's more to it with your husband. There is some contempt on his side that's not healthy for you, nor respectful, nor a good dynamic to have babies in.

I wonder how much you've thought about how a baby will affect your life. Babies and children don't equal adventurous and carefree. They generally need routine and their needs come first. You can bet away your husband's need for relaxation or sleep before work now because he's an adults and there are issues between you, but you won't be able to easily bat away a child's need for stability and sleep on a schoolnight. I hear regretful mothers say the same thing, which kind of goes like this -

'It was a shock that I can't go anywhere, even the toilet with my toddler following me. I can't go out anymore to the shops on a whim when I feel like it. Everything has to be a lot more planned, everything has to be routine. I used to be carefree, going out with my friends quite a bit. I used to have fun, but no more. Every night is a schoolnight and when it's not I'm either too knackered to even think of going anywhere. I just feel like my life is so small now. I'm confined to being 'mum' and miss my previous life'.

Do your close friends have children? That might help a bit in future if you settle down with someone else. I'm asking because I've heard of situations where women lose friends because they can't relate or adapt to their new mother status. I'd be careful too of women on here telling you to go it alone - yes, maybe it's better than having kids with your husband but it can put a huge strain on a single parent. A lot of the time the women recommending this have never actually done that themselves or they had a lot of family encouragement and support.

@RedBonnet

IVF is free on the NHS but a donor is £6000. Perhaps the op can't afford to pay for donor IVF. For me personally I would stay until baby arrives and see if the dynamic improves because it might. If not I'd be a lone parent. As long as I go in with eyes wide open.

I hate the way women have only a 10 ish year window to have babies

Awful advice. Having a baby with someone that, frankly, sounds like a narcissist is not sound advice.

And 10 year window?? Think you'll find it's about a 25-30 year window.

Leave him or have a lifetime of this, plus being trapped to be with him because of a child.

He is a sweet, funny, loyal guy

I sense cognitive dissonance at play.

When things are good between us, we are great.

This is how abusers keep you hooked. If they were awful all the time, their partners would leave and who would they play their mind games with then? So they love bomb you and then they treat you like shit. It's a cycle. He's not a a good man who is sometimes abusive. He's an abusive man who can sometimes play good.

He is a sweet, funny, loyal guy and we do have a good life together

He wasn't sweet or funny when he filmed you to humiliate you. He wasn't sweet or funny when he took your bedclothes as punishment. He isn't sweet or funny when he calls your sister a bitch. He isn't sweet or funny when he calls you a cunt and whore. He wasn't sweet or funny when he was annoyed that your friends wanted to celebrate your birthday, or when he argued with you about it. He wasn't sweet or funny when he texted you to get rid of your friend so he could sleep, then stayed up three hours later once he had his own way and she had gone. He's not sweet or funny when he judges you. He's not sweet or funny when he makes pointed digs about school nights.

He does love me and is my rock most of the time.

Nobody who loves you would be doing this to you. Please don't mistake the love bombing bits for him loving you.

You say he is intimidating. You say you are walking on eggshells.

How much of the time things are good for you both is because you are already self-censoring your own behaviour to keep him happy so he doesn't judge you, make nasty comments, name call, or worse? How many times have you turned down friends, drinks, holidays, celebrations, and not even mentioned it to him because you're avoiding the argument you know you would have with him?

Because if you've been doing that, that's still down to his abuse. And so is it really a time when things are good between you? If you have to go to that extreme to avoid abuse and humiliation, that's not a good point in a marriage.

You don't deserve to have to live like this. Alone is definitely better than this.

I am an introvert and I think your husband is being an abusive piece of shit. I need downtime, I cant go out every night. My husband is an extrovert and I don't try and make him not do things that he enjoys because of some arbitrary rules I've made up (like we cant book anything on a sunday because we have work tomorrow or we can't see friends on a school night). These are his rules and it's ok if he wants to live by them but its massively controlling to try and make you live by them as well. Not wanting you to have a glass of champagne on your birthday is way way past being an introvert, it's so over the top. And if he doesnt like your sister, what's stopping you going to see her? Trying to make you stop socialising after you're married isnt being loyal and loving, it's being controlling and mean. Calling you names is completely unacceptable under any circumstances. Going on about you falling asleep on the stairs, once, 4 years ago, is over the top, it's hardly the worst drunken behaviour like vomiting all over him or something.
Leaving him will be one of the best things you ever do

And agree having a child with him is the worst thing you can do. Abuse ramps up after marriage and it can ramp up again after pregnancy when he will suddenly refuse to give you access to any funds for socialising when you're on mat leave etc. Parenting brings the worst out of everyone and he is pretty awful to begin with. If you tie yourself to him for the next 18 years you will regret it. And so will your child when he refuses to let them see their friends because it's a school night or a family day or whatever, or when they hear him calling you a cunt because one of your friends wanted to stop by.

Do not have a baby with this man in this relationship.

Have faith in another future.

@Kerrik

In your place - I’d be pragmatic. If you want t to have a child - and are doing IVF - focus on that for now.
Once you have a kid - you’d naturally have less time to party and go out. At least for a while.
And when they grow up a bit - you can decide what you do. Of you feel like he is still being controlling over your time with friends - you can try counselling or just leave.

But at 40 - and knowing you want to have a child - I’d not give that up to fight a battle with him over your party time.
Your options of trying to have a child are either with him, or IVF as a single woman.

I disagree with MMomDD. The key issue isn't that you're more of an extrovert party girl than he is; the key issue is that his behaviour is controlling and abusive.

If you have a child with this man, even if you choose to split up with him later, you will be saddled with co-parenting with him for years. He will have many more opportunities to dick you around and control and abuse you through that. Imagine how much fun it will be to have him criticizing your parenting at every turn.

Also, your child would grow up witnessing, and probably being subject to, his abuse and control. Please don't do that to a child.

I agree with what another poster says--have faith in a better future. Leave him and free yourself from this. Move out of London and cut him out of your life.

I speak from experience.

I am an introvert. My husband is an extrovert. So I´m fine with him doing his extroverted stuff and he is fine with my doing my downtime, although I had to spell it out to him in the beginning. He was super worried I was going to be bored alone!!!! still laughing!!!! But I have never scared off his friends, or stopped him doing things out there and definitely been aggressive to him and called him names. The clash is one thing, abuse another. And the latter is a perfect reason for leaving someone. You are not compatible and he is a loser.

He is controlling and abusive. Leave him and don't have children with him.