Husband expected me to change after marriage!!

[Kerrik]

Advice please! I met my husband in Ireland, 12 years ago online when we were both in our late 20's. We moved to London 8 years ago and we have been here ever since. He was cute, shy, intelligent, and just made me laugh all the time. I was/am very outgoing, so we were opposites, but they say opposites attract!! I love a good night out and I really value my family and friendships. I noticed the only friends he had were from school, but I did not think anything of it. I have mainly friends from college and work as I moved away from home at 18 and lost contact with most of the school friends, bar 2 good friends from my hometown.

In the early days of our relationship, he used to come out with me and my friends all the time. He knew I loved a party and he never said anything about my wild nights or my crazy friends. (I think he was trying to be someone he wasn't because he liked me, so I feel a bit tricked looking back) Now we have been married for 3 years and nearly immediately after we married, he would make comments like "you are meeting your friends for drinks on a Tuesday? It's a school night!" Now I am nothing like I was when we first met, I was clubbing a lot and going to lots of parties, no more clubbing for me now, just dinner and wine with my girls! He now says that Monday to Thursday is workdays and evenings are for "down time" only, not to making plans, so we never go for dinner, or the cinema or anything and he judges me when I meet friends. He says the only nights he would go for a drink are Friday and Saturday but on Friday he is always too tired, and he spends most nights and weekends playing PlayStation with his school friends, who all live in their hometown, and they just drink, and smoke weed, zero ambitions. Oh, and Sunday is "down time" day too to prepare for work Monday so we cannot make plans either on a Sunday. Btw he is a middle management engineer, not a CEO or air traffic controller!

We moved to London 8 years ago from Ireland and I tried my best to make new friends and I have a fantastic circle of friends who I love, however, he does not have one friend. It puts so much pressure on me as I feel bad leaving him at home when I go out, plus he makes me feel guilty and makes nasty comments about my drinking. (I got very drunk after a work Xmas party in 2017 and when I got home I didn't want him to see me in a state so I waited until I could hear him settle in the bed but in the meantime, I feel asleep on the stairs and I woke up to him videoing me calling me a disgrace, he was so so angry it was scary... he keeps bringing that incident up as an example of how irresponsible I am) He doesn't really drink himself, but now has such a problem with me drinking alcohol (his mam has negatively talked about alcohol to him his whole life cos her Dad was an alcoholic and I feel this has rubbed off on him). If I wanted to have a glass a wine on a Saturday night while watching a film, he would say that is strange drinking by myself. If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a c**t, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating. Just for context, I might go for drinks once or twice a week, I work in the events industry so it's very social, however, probably about 2 to 3 times a year I might have too much after a major party and need to go to bed, but I have some friends I have to carry home all the time and I am definitely more responsible than that.

Anytime we go on holiday, he is too tired to go out! We could be having an amazing dinner and then I would suggest seeing live music, have a dance but he is always too tired, we are home for 9pm... IT IS SOOOO BORING! I feel I have married the school principal, or the fun police and my life and experiences are just drifting away because of his rules.

We do not have children and we have started IVF, if I leave him now, I will never be a mom. I do not know what to do as he hasn't cheated or anything but none of my family or friends like him. he makes no effort and treats my baby sister appallingly, which hurts me a lot. I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life. Everything he does is with me in mind to the extent it can be quite intense as he only wants to spend time with me, I am his world. We got on fantastically during lockdown as I could not go anywhere, it was bliss for him but now I am meeting friends again, it is causing fights and issues. It is my Dads 70th this year and I want to do a family holiday, but he does not want to as he knows they are up for drinks and fun; he just wants the 2 of us. He has never gone away with my family in the 12 years we are together, but I have with his family on numerous occasions, which is very boring, all in bed for 9pm but I do it cos I love him.

If we split, I lose my home as I cannot afford to buy him out. The reason I am writing this is a friend came to visit me on Wednesday evening and I cooked dinner and we shared a bottle of wine in the garden in the sun as I had a stressful interview that day and she was being supportive. He wasn't happy and he text me at 9.30pm saying he was going to bed, basically a cue to ask her to leave but he didn't go to sleep until midnight, it was just to get her to leave so he could enjoy his "downtime" Arrrgghhhh!!!!

There is so much to think about, plus being single at 40 sounds horrible!!! I think what it comes down to is my husband thought once we got married, I would want to just stay home with him but that's not enough for me, I need my family, friends and a social life. Any advice?

He’s a horrible man, a horrible husband and I have no doubt will be a horrible father. I don’t know how you can even consider a child with him. When he’s a vile controlling bully to your child (he will be, without doubt), will you still be saying you love him and can’t afford to leave?

OP how are you feeling after reading all these messages? X

My message to you is, you sound like a great laugh and a good friend. I too enjoy nights out whenever I want,candy I'm involved with lots of musicians which makes for lots of jams, gigs and all day events. I've never been much of a drinker, but I do have some. Life is good, my partner sometimes comes, sometimes doesn't. I dont have children. I have been through a slight sadness about that, but not much because honestly I don't want my life to be about putting three meals on the table every day and a million times more work. It's a good life without children. Not to say you definitely wont have them, but if that's how it ends up.

Re your partner, I too would leave. I've had fun police boyfriends and left them and immediately noticed how much better life became.

You've had a good run trying to make this work. But you are allowed to be you and you are allowed to be happy. People revert to type I think, and you will too. Leave him and be alone, and then you'll gravitate to a man you feel comfortable with. And being independent is fantastic. Genuinely. X

If I come home after having one too many, he is outraged, he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a ct, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating

This would be enough by itself for me to leave him, never mind the rest of the miserable existence together.

My friend has married someone like this, her children are just becoming teenagers and her husband expects them to run to his plans, stops all fun and limits how much they can do. Please walk away.

There are so many woman out there thinking they will better stay in loveless relationships because they are afraid of being alone.

Honestly, you are alone already. The only difference between being alone with this man and being on your own is that on your own, you can hope for and build a much happier life.

40 is not old. And it is not difficult to find someone if you are friendly and outgoing and live in a big city. Get the hell out of there it is not worth it.

I know that is easy to say but difficult to do if you have been putting with such level of abuse for such a long time, it should be normal for you now and your self esteem may be affected. Surround yourself with people who can help you and support you on your way out, the ones that give you strength, which incidentally are NOT the ones who feel sorry for you and keep going on and on on how that bastard could have done x to you. You need people around you to help you move forward.

Count your blessings as well, you have no children yet, have good friends, a social job and on that, a way out.

Advice?
Don't have a baby with a man who calls you a cunt! Think of how a child would be affected growing up with that arsehole for a father! Don't force that on a child. They have no control and no choice.

You do. You can leave. You can look into sperm donation. These aren't easy options but when your other choice is raising a child with a man who abuses you, controls you and has contempt for you l think a child would be happier and mentally and emotionally healthier with a lone mum who isn't tied for life to an awful man.

Tl-dr - for the love of God don't actively try to bring a child into this absolute shit show.

You deserve better than this life

Compatibility issues here. It really does sound as though you are not compatible. Leave now and don't waste any more of your time as you will later regret it when you look back and realise that you didn't have the life that you wanted or enjoyed or even anything remotely resembling that.

To stay because of your age, house, etc is a huge compromise to yourself and one that will eventually make you unhappy. Material things rarely bring any real pleasures and should never hold you back.

You'll also be fine. You sound like an extrovert and through other people many opportunities will open up to you.

Confidence.

Op every family has a dynamic and many people revert to them once married, that's how they think marriage should be. You're never going to be happy with the small, serious life he wants, he thinks you're breaking the rules and being irresponsible. I'd leave and get on with your life, 40 is still young and your DH will just get worse and more disapproving with age

The incompatibility between extrovert and introvert pales into insignificance compared to the abuse you are suffering at the hands of your husband. He is an abuser. Please do not have children with this man. Please leave him.

Compatibility issues here. It really does sound as though you are not compatible.
Yes you could say being abused by someone makes you incompatible.
( being called a cunt a whole and other nasty words) treats her family bad and hurts her sister. Yeah, that sums up incompatable.

How does he treat your sister badly? He sounds awful btw, can't think what you see in him.

Before I read this I was prepared to look at it from both sides

he has on numerous occasions taken all the bed clothes off the bed so I would have no blankets to sleep under, he calls me a ct, whore and all the nasty words you can think of, it's very intimidating

That isn't just arguing, that's cruelty.

You seem to be very extroverted (read up on that) and he isn't. Your family is too by the sounds of bit.

I worry about him because without me, he has no social life or even a life

You feel sorry for him because you are the way you are - extroverted, but please stop thinking of him as a victim. Some people don't need friends. Their partner us enough for them and generally they recharge their batteries when they're alone, usually walking, reading, doing art, yoga, gaming. They don't recharge by going to live gigs or loud places. They might think it's pleasant, but it doesn't give them a buzz or excite them in the same way it would with you. You find having friends over fairly regularly a nice thing. Introverts don't mind close friendships but they find people they don't know or care for coming over to the house regularly quite invasive of their personal space (although there are exceptions). For extroverts, they find clubbing and the noise, colour and bustle of such places thrilling, whereas have you ever felt truly tranquil looking at a beautiful sunset or in awe in that way at nature? Or just really relaxed? That's what introverts are after. Some people are in the middle of this spectrum, but you two are on opposite ends which is causing a huge strain (as well as him being a dick).

The way he chooses to live his live is not your responsibility and neither should you suffer because of it. Again, he's not a victim - he has chosen to not spend the time, work and energy in finding and investing in friendship.

Have you considered that having children with him would be worse than being single, childless and renting?

You are not in a good marriage and to bring a child into it would be cruel.

His coercive behaviour and a deeply concerning. He tries to shame you, belittle you and calls you a whore.
You have so much life left to live, can you condemn yourself to sixty more y are if this. Caring for a man who does not care for you? Bringing children into a this?

Please don’t have a child with him-can you imagine how controlling and boring he would be with it?

He is controlling and abusive: is this how you want to live forever more? With his disapproval waiting for you every time you go home from a night out? Being called a cunt/whore/having the bedclothes removed because he doesn’t like you going out? The abuse will probably increase to the point he forbids you to go out.

This is all sorts of shockingly horrifying.
Imagine another 40/50 years of this, do you really want that? But whatever you do...
Please don't have children with this man.!Can you imagine his treatment of a possible teenage daughter, wanting to go clubbing and drinking, would it be acceptable for him to pull the covers of her and call her a cunt. No.

God, I wouldn't be staying. How dull. Fair enough if you were out clubbing and partying and blind drunk every night but no meals out or friends over for drinks- how boring. Now is the time to enjoy yourself before you have kids.

I started reading thinking that he just sounds a bit boring, then I got to the middle bit and thought "oh dear he's trying to compel her to be boring too". Then the end where he shouts at you, videos you, seeing let you go to bed, refuses to holiday with your family ... abuse pure and simple.

You need to leave him. If you have a baby it will massively complicate things. Sorry to be blunt but IVF only has a 30% chance per cycle of working anyway. He doesn't want "you" as his wife but rather an obedient little woman who doesn't drink or see friends and is tucked up in bed by 9pm.

Your drinking sounds a bit much though (I say this as someone who also has too much probably a bit too often). Maybe have a think about what you want to do about that, for you though, not for him.

Leave him. It sounds like you are very incompatible and he is controlling and abusive as well.

Don't have children with him. He will only get worse and it will be much harder to leave.

You will meet someone who loves you for who you are and doesn't want to change you.

You are completely incompatible, imagine decades of this to come! Unsaddle yourself from this abusive man and go out and have some fun.

For all those saying 'he's an introvert', maybe, but he was very social for many years so I call this more controlling than natural introversion.

OP read Last Chance Saloon by Marian Keyes, and the Tara character's relationship.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Its over because of the controlling abuses he metes out towards not just you but also your sister too. Your family do not like him at all and I would ask you why you have at all felt sorry for him. He is not a pet project and was never yours to rescue and or save.

You and he should no longer be together under any circumstances and I would also cease the IVF. Bringing a child into this toxic and abusive relationship would be unfair on the child and your H would merely use the child as a further way of "punishing" you. If this is what he is like now I can well imagine him further ramping up the power and control against you and your child going forward.

I became single at 40. It’s awesome. The sex is much better than it was the last time I was dating (or in my marriage) and the sense of ‘freedom’ is amazing. LTB. You are not happy.

Add to your reading list the publication "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Being single at 40 is far preferable than spending married life with a controlling therefore abusive fun sponge of a man. How do you think a baby is going to fit in with him?. You will end up doing everything with regards to childcare and household whilst he sits back and criticises your efforts.

Run. Do not have children with this man. Please.