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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend confessed she physically abuses husband

192 replies

whatamess101 · 04/06/2021 09:46

Looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation. A close friend has a very volatile relationship with her husband. They've always argued a lot (been together about 15 years) and been on and off until they had children. She struggles through life and has mental health problems that she hasn't addressed. I found out from her recently that she hits her husband when they argue but he doesn't retaliate. Last night she text me that they had a physical fight (I don't know if it was two way) in front of their children.

She's always been a very good friend to me and is always kind and caring to other people. I want to help her but I find this behaviour shocking and unacceptable. She wants me to make her feel better, that's it's normal and she's not in the wrong but I can't do that. I know that he pushes her to her limits emotionally and suspect he gaslights her. I just don't know how to help her and I'm really worried about her children witnessing violence like this. Any advice?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2021 09:48

Social services.

Abouttoblow · 04/06/2021 09:49

My first priority would be speaking to her husband and offering him and the children support.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/06/2021 09:50

What would you do if your friend was pushing her husband to his limits and he hit her in front of the kids?

Personally I would be calling social services to report what the kids witnessed.

I know it will end the friendship but it doesn't sound like the kids are in a very healthy environment at all and someone needs to help.

Quartz2208 · 04/06/2021 09:51

Yes I think your priority here is protecting the children and letting a professional get to the bottom of what is best for them. Social Services/NSPCC is best.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/06/2021 09:54

Report her to the police and social services. Domestic violence is never right, and it’s victim blaming to somehow suggest that the victim deserves to be hit because they “push the limits emotionally” or “gaslight.”

In addition, statistically mothers are equally likely as fathers to physically abuse their own children. The fact she abuses her husband and has told you this, increases the likelihood that she is also hitting/abusing the children as well.

In fact, concern for the children is the #1 reason why male victims of domestic violence suffer in silence and stay with their abusers. It’s not like there are any shelters for men and children fleeing DV are there?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 04/06/2021 09:58

I’d have reported to the police and SS once I knew if was happening and then offered to assist the DH and children to find somewhere safe to stay. Then I would distance myself from the friendship with her.

PurpleDaisies · 04/06/2021 09:59

I agree with talking to social services. She is absolutely wrong to be treating her husband like that.

What does “pushing her to her limits emotionality and gaslighting her” mean in practice?

Umberellatheweatha · 04/06/2021 10:00

Dont want to ok violence from anyone but I had never hit anyone in my life and yet I had an emotionally abusive partner whom I slapped twice during a 9 month period. They can really bring you to a point where you are so headworked that you lash out. And it is in defence. It's in defence of an emotional onslaught and intimidation and threat of them being in your personal space and bigger, stronger individuals - who hate you.

You say she has been a good friend to you and is nice to everyone else and that he gaslighting her so I would give the benefit of the doubt...to some extent. Direct her to womens aid. Focus on telling her that the relationship is toxic and it is not ok for the kids and that she should seek help to leave for them and for her mental health.

You dont have to tell her her behaviour is ok. Because it isnt. But suggest she take a hard look at herself and if she likes who she is becoming whilst with this person.

Abusers pour their poison into you. If they pour enough you can lose yourself.

Though, women can be abusers too. So i would observe her closer in future. It may be that she is even taking an ego stroke from being violent and asking you to tell her it's ok and she can do no wrong.

wizzywig · 04/06/2021 10:20

Op if it helps, there's a channel 5 programme called 'when women abuse' (or something like that).
As others have said, contact adult social care, contact police. Same as you would if genders were reversed

ittakes2 · 04/06/2021 10:25

I would start researching some therapy for her.

ittakes2 · 04/06/2021 10:26

She knows it wrong which is why she has reached out to you.

BigFatLiar · 04/06/2021 10:34

@PurpleDaisies

I agree with talking to social services. She is absolutely wrong to be treating her husband like that.

What does “pushing her to her limits emotionality and gaslighting her” mean in practice?

She may feel he's pushing her to her limits and gaslighting if he's simply trying to avoid being drawn into confrontation
Procrastination4 · 04/06/2021 10:34

As previous posters have said, contact social services. My parents’ colleague was physically abused by his wife for years. He was afraid to leave as he feared for his child’s safety. It was a very lonely time for him as, back then, there was very little discussion about domestic violence against men. Domestic violence is horrendous for the victim, whether male or female, and children in the mix make it even worse. I’m really sorry for the dilemma you find yourself in, OP.

TurquoiseLemur · 04/06/2021 10:50

@Umberellatheweatha

Dont want to ok violence from anyone but I had never hit anyone in my life and yet I had an emotionally abusive partner whom I slapped twice during a 9 month period. They can really bring you to a point where you are so headworked that you lash out. And it is in defence. It's in defence of an emotional onslaught and intimidation and threat of them being in your personal space and bigger, stronger individuals - who hate you.

You say she has been a good friend to you and is nice to everyone else and that he gaslighting her so I would give the benefit of the doubt...to some extent. Direct her to womens aid. Focus on telling her that the relationship is toxic and it is not ok for the kids and that she should seek help to leave for them and for her mental health.

You dont have to tell her her behaviour is ok. Because it isnt. But suggest she take a hard look at herself and if she likes who she is becoming whilst with this person.

Abusers pour their poison into you. If they pour enough you can lose yourself.

Though, women can be abusers too. So i would observe her closer in future. It may be that she is even taking an ego stroke from being violent and asking you to tell her it's ok and she can do no wrong.

This friend "being nice to everyone else" is neither here nor there-most abusers are! If they were nasty to LOTS of people, outside the home, they would not get the support (overt or tacit) that they often do get. Their victims would be more easily believed and would get proper help much sooner than they do.
Branleuse · 04/06/2021 10:53

He gaslights and emotionally abuses her. She physically hits him.
The whole thing sounds toxic and id tell her that shes damaging her children and that youre shocked to hear that its this bad

Original poster
whatamess101 · 04/06/2021 11:04

Thank you, your replies are really helpful in getting my head around it all. I don't believe she would hurt the kids, she's really calm and always puts them first. All her anger seems to be directed at her husband, I've never known her to get angry in any other situation. But witnessing domestic violence is child abuse isn't it so I can't sit with this information and not do anything. I will contact social services.

@Umberellatheweatha this is how she describes it, he makes her feel like she's going crazy and gets up into her personal space until she can't cope. I feel like she's quite vulnerable. It's a horrible situation.

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 04/06/2021 11:14

Its perfectly possible she is the one pushing all the buttons and doing all the gas lighting.

Typical abuser territory- he made me hit him because…

Its the kids who need protecting in all this and I’ll admit I’d find it hard to call SS but you cant stand by.

As a PP said being nice to everyone else is irrelevant and doesn't prove anything

Original poster
whatamess101 · 04/06/2021 11:18

Would you tell her you're calling SS or admit it was you when they get in touch with her? I think I'm the only person that knows. I know it's the right thing to do but I can't help feeling like it's such a betrayal of our friendship. I very anxious about it all.

OP posts:
Loubiemoo · 04/06/2021 11:21

As previously mentioned, if it was the man abusing the woman, what would you do?

maskface212 · 04/06/2021 11:24

It could be true that he is gaslighting her and driving her mad but what do good parents do in a situation like that? They leave or get help or ask him to leave or divorce. They put their children first.

There's an org called Respect she can call to discuss but she needs to get out of the relationship if it is, as she says, 'causing' her to have fights in front of her children.

I had a relationship with an abusive POS and everyone thought he was the most charming man you could ever meet. My own cousin even said Well, you're not easy are you. When I told her he was abusive, still sings his praises to this day. Abusers are very, very manipulative and charming - means nothing.

Eviethyme · 04/06/2021 11:27

I don't think excusing her behaviour will help her. If she knows she's doing it then she needs to leave for his and the children's sake.

It's not normal to beat people up or physically hurt them

maskface212 · 04/06/2021 11:31

I don't believe she would hurt the kids

Witnessing abuse is considered child abuse OP. It's neglectful and damaging for them to witness. It's why SS will take children away from a woman who won't leave an abuser, even if the abuser is not physically harming the children. By staying in the relationship and having physical altercations (never mind whatever emotional abuse is going on) she is harming her children.

Itwontstopraining · 04/06/2021 11:37

Op, re your question about whether you'd tell her - bear in mind that if you report anonymously SS would have to share enough of what they'd been told (eg that they'd had a phone call + the concern raised) that she'd guess it was you who had reported. I'm not saying that to put you off, just that it may be worth thinking about whether to tell her yourself (either before or after the call) as she's likely to know you've done it.

You can share what she's said about being gaslighted. I was a social worker for a family where the original concern was DV male perp as he could be heard shouting (report came from neighbours) While working with the family realised that the female partner held all the control and would threaten the male partner until he lost it (but not directed at her) We ended up protecting him as a vulnerable adult while also safeguarding the child.

IEat · 04/06/2021 11:45

Speak to the police
She acknowledges she has a problem but for me her husband and kids need immediate protecting from her

ravenmum · 04/06/2021 11:46

You might have to accept that she won't keep you as a friend, OP, but this might well help her in the long term if her unaddressed mental health issues are finally dealt with. And obviously it's better for the hitting to stop before it escalates further and she finds herself in prison. She might not like it, but you'd be doing her a favour too.

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