Friend confessed she physically abuses husband

[whatamess101]

Looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation. A close friend has a very volatile relationship with her husband. They've always argued a lot (been together about 15 years) and been on and off until they had children. She struggles through life and has mental health problems that she hasn't addressed. I found out from her recently that she hits her husband when they argue but he doesn't retaliate. Last night she text me that they had a physical fight (I don't know if it was two way) in front of their children.

She's always been a very good friend to me and is always kind and caring to other people. I want to help her but I find this behaviour shocking and unacceptable. She wants me to make her feel better, that's it's normal and she's not in the wrong but I can't do that. I know that he pushes her to her limits emotionally and suspect he gaslights her. I just don't know how to help her and I'm really worried about her children witnessing violence like this. Any advice?

The kids will be next.

Why the eye roll for something you think, but don’t actually know, I’d say?

There was a very unpleasant thread on here where a man was being constantly belittled, humiliated and dominated by his wife and I (under another UN) was one of the posters who supported him where others were suggesting he try and change aspects of his personality so as to stand up to her! So I think that’s rather an unfair assumption. I believe in general that psychological abuse is taken less seriously than physical.

If that bloke had snapped and reacted in an abusive way himself of course I wouldn’t think it was ok, but I’d have a level of understanding for why he did it that I wouldn’t otherwise. Same as the situation here (potentially - none of us know what’s really happening).

I'd contact SS to be honest, because her closed doors personality seems utterly at odds with her caring, nice outdoors personality. Those poor kids will be so messed up by seeing that level of manipulation, violence, their poor dad being hurt, feeling unsafe, their dad accepting the abuse, and so on. An adult has to break the cycle now for the sake of those kids.

@Sillawithans

The kids will be next.

If they aren't already. She sounds like she can't control herself sometimes so it might well be that the kids get some kind of abuse too. Plus forcing them to live in an abusive household is abuse, anyway.

My (male) friend is also in the same situation. She hits him, screams, swears and name calls in front of the children.

Their eldest is acting up at school as a result.

He won’t leave because “it’s not all the time” and “she can be quite nice”. And he’s scared because she’s a manipulative witch who would stop him seeing the children, and frankly is also a shit mother to boot.

So he’s stayed and years later it’s no better.

Wife is of course sunshine and light to everyone else so nobody would have a clue what she’s really like.

Chances are your friend is a nasty piece of work that you need to cut loose.

It's a natural reaction to lash out when you feel threatened. Its terrifying to have a man up in your space being threatening let alone without having been gas lighted to within an inch of your sanity first as well. And if it comes down to your bodies fight or flight response and the other person makes you feel that you cant just leave, of course you could end up lashing out.

All of this.

@Sillawithans

The kids will be next.

Will they now?

I wonder where you get your evidence for this?

@EarringsandLipstick

It is well documented that mothers are as likely as fathers to abuse their own children. Parents are also the vast majority of all child abuse perpetrators, around 75%.

In addition, according to CDC in the US, if there is domestic violence in the home, the risk of child abuse also co-occurring is 15x higher than in homes with no domestic violence.

So yes, the children are at high risk.

It's a natural reaction to lash out when you feel threatened. Its terrifying to have a man up in your space being threatening let alone without having been gas lighted to within an inch of your sanity first as well. And if it comes down to your bodies fight or flight response and the other person makes you feel that you cant just leave, of course you could end up lashing out.

I only agree with this in the context of knowing with absolute certainty that the man in question will not retaliate if I “lash out” and physically hit him. Having been in this situation, but with a man who does hit, no it is absolutely not a “natural reaction” to “lash out” and hit. In fact, it would reduce my chances of survival to do so. So no, I do not agree that it’s natural for any adult, man or woman, to be the first to escalate any situation into physical violence.

Shocked at the apologists in here that the little woman is justified in abusing the big nasty man.
By that standard, nagging wives deserve their slaps 🙄
Woman can be abusers!
She is laying the groundwork to cast herself
as the victim, how many men have used the excuse ‘she pushed me to it’?
Report her to SS.

I'd be calling the police and SS, let them investigate.

Even IF her husband was gaslighting her, domestic abuse is never justified. Your friend owes it to her kids at the very least, to deal with her mental health issues NOW.

@PlanDeRaccordement

It's a natural reaction to lash out when you feel threatened. Its terrifying to have a man up in your space being threatening let alone without having been gas lighted to within an inch of your sanity first as well. And if it comes down to your bodies fight or flight response and the other person makes you feel that you cant just leave, of course you could end up lashing out.

I only agree with this in the context of knowing with absolute certainty that the man in question will not retaliate if I “lash out” and physically hit him. Having been in this situation, but with a man who does hit, no it is absolutely not a “natural reaction” to “lash out” and hit. In fact, it would reduce my chances of survival to do so. So no, I do not agree that it’s natural for any adult, man or woman, to be the first to escalate any situation into physical violence.

But you're speaking from a place of knowing he might hit you. I've lashed out before because I wasn't thinking about whether or not he would hit me back. Only that someone was in my face screaming horrible things so all I could think was 'please.just.stop...get out of my space!'.

Infact, if he had hit me, I would have made life so much easier because then he wouldnt have been able to make me feel it was all in my head.

If it's pure fear, then yes you absolutely make yourself small. But if its someone driving you to a point of losing your sanity, that's a different thing entirely. All bets are off on how you might behave.

I used to self-harm in a similar situation, Umberella. Once had to go to hospital. Can’t explain why I did it, but it was a reaction to a build-up of helplessness and feeling pathetic when being yelled at, mocked and stood over to the point I didn’t know what was going on.

This is why I picked up on the comments about gaslighting and being vulnerable. I feel like I’ve been in a situation where you just can’t take it and normal behaviour flies out of the window.

NONE of this is said to downplay the awful situation the children are in or the risks to them, and I’m not saying this is actually what is happening here, but op’s comments raise the possibility.

@EarringsandLipstick

this is how she describes it, he makes her feel like she's going crazy and gets up into her personal space until she can't cope. I feel like she's quite vulnerable. It's a horrible situation.

If you haven't personally been in this situation, you can't imagine how this feels, and how much someone can be pushed to the limit.

The behaviour is toxic. The relationship is abusive from every angle.

I would support your friend, not report her

@Umberellatheweatha is excellent.

Reporting the situation to SS is a supportive action. They will investigate and look at what support they can put in place to help both parents change any inappropriate behaviour they are exhibiting. Ultimately, it’s about supporting children who are caught up in the middle of two warring parents. That’s why SS need to be informed.

I don't believe she would hurt the kids, she's really calm and always puts them first.
Oh, give over. She's out of control, you don't know what she's capable of; and hitting their father in front of them is abusive in itself.
How can you possibly claim she puts their well-being first?
Report.

@AntiWorkBrigade

Absolutely agree.

I went through a phase of shoplifting. I think...to keep me present in the moment instead of lost in a sea of thoughts that weren't even mine. That were just poison he had poured in there.

Just to break me out of the fog into the hear and now. To feel something I was choosing. Not something that was just forced on me, binding me.

There are women who have shot their partners in similar situations. Emotional abuse can really fuck your shit up.

Doesn't mean the behaviour is excusable. But its definately possible and understandable.

Social services for the children and police for help for the husband.

If you feel squeamish about it rewrite your post with the husband abusing the wife and see how you feel then.

I couldn't be friends with a spouse batterer.

Two more than typical characteristics of proper abusive people:
-1) She's always been a very good friend to me and is always kind and caring to other people < all abusers are charming, that’s how they get away with it.

2. He/she made me do it < normal people walk away of the situation when they are angry rather than getting violent and attacking the other person.

She is abusing her husband and possibly her kids as well, mental health is no excuse. I doubt you will call social services and I doubt even more SS will intervene until someone gets seriously hurt, so I would say that the only thing you can realistically do for your friend is to make her aware her violence is not normal or justified and support her to get help to sort her anger management problems.

By the way, I am not putting all the onus on her, the husband may as well be an emotional abuser, but the principle remains: she needs to walk away rather than battering the guy.

@HerMammy

Shocked at the apologists in here that the little woman is justified in abusing the big nasty man. By that standard, nagging wives deserve their slaps 🙄 Woman can be abusers! She is laying the groundwork to cast herself as the victim, how many men have used the excuse ‘she pushed me to it’? Report her to SS.

Would you really expect any different on here?

The people excusing the husband are probably the same people who can't possibly believe my little 4ft 10 mother is abusive towards my dad. She often says that he makes her do it, that he belittles her and makes her lose control. None of this is true. She is manipulative and frankly horrible. It was a terrifying situation to grow up in, and she did abuse us as well though in much more subtle ways but still a few slaps here and there.
I hope the plan leads to the children getting some support.

@Charliebradbury

The people excusing the husband are probably the same people who can't possibly believe my little 4ft 10 mother is abusive towards my dad. She often says that he makes her do it, that he belittles her and makes her lose control. None of this is true. She is manipulative and frankly horrible. It was a terrifying situation to grow up in, and she did abuse us as well though in much more subtle ways but still a few slaps here and there. I hope the plan leads to the children getting some support.

Anyone who hits their partner for any reason other than genuine self-defence is a horrible person.