Friend confessed she physically abuses husband

[whatamess101]

Looking for some advice on how to deal with this situation. A close friend has a very volatile relationship with her husband. They've always argued a lot (been together about 15 years) and been on and off until they had children. She struggles through life and has mental health problems that she hasn't addressed. I found out from her recently that she hits her husband when they argue but he doesn't retaliate. Last night she text me that they had a physical fight (I don't know if it was two way) in front of their children.

She's always been a very good friend to me and is always kind and caring to other people. I want to help her but I find this behaviour shocking and unacceptable. She wants me to make her feel better, that's it's normal and she's not in the wrong but I can't do that. I know that he pushes her to her limits emotionally and suspect he gaslights her. I just don't know how to help her and I'm really worried about her children witnessing violence like this. Any advice?

@MzHz

How to help HER?

Wow! Fucking hell.

Fuck HER! Help her H and kids get her the fuck out of their lives!

Astonishing.

Mind you, my own mother and my sister rang woman’s aid to get support for themselves when I was in an abusive relationship.

This is NOT ok. She needs to leave them.

And what if this woman is actually the victim of emotional and psychological abuse?

Given that you yourself have been through a relationship involving abuse your lack of insight and compassion is shocking

And as for what seeing their mother being pushed to the edge and beyond does to the children then I am lost for words

@PlanDeRaccordement

The narrative I’m talking about is the “she hit him therefore she is an abuser”
It’s top level and ignorant of the circumstances that I suspect sadly feature in this relationship

It is a narrative that feeds the real
Abuser’s cycle and plays into their hands

Your experience is not the same but as horrendous in a different context
Many women who have been subjected to insidious, soul destroying, sanity questioning relationships often wish they would be beaten so at least someone might believe them.
All too often the emotional narcissistic abuser is the Disney dad, tho e provider, the family man, the mr social, mr always smiling and out and about , loads of friends, everyone’s go to. Behind closed doors the reality is so so different. Except you haven’t got a broken jaw or strangulation marks

It's gobsmacking how many people are defending this violence because she's a woman. Listen to yourselves! She must have been gaslit... He must have done something to anger her...

She hit her husband in front of her children. Process that for a moment.

Do you know her husband well? Is he a solitary figure or does he have friends and family around him?

If this was my friend i'd tell her I really appreciate her confiding in me but she knows now enough is enough.

I would tell her they need to seperate asao and that it's inexcusable to hit anyone and her kids won't ever forget. Speaking from personal experience here because I havent.

@bringbacksideburns

It's gobsmacking how many people are defending this violence because she's a woman. Listen to yourselves! She must have been gaslit... He must have done something to anger her...

She hit her husband in front of her children. Process that for a moment.

Do you know her husband well? Is he a solitary figure or does he have friends and family around him?

If this was my friend i'd tell her I really appreciate her confiding in me but she knows now enough is enough.

I would tell her they need to seperate asao and that it's inexcusable to hit anyone and her kids won't ever forget. Speaking from personal experience here because I havent.

Also gob smacking how many posters including you have chosen to ignore the references to his behaviour which should elicit huge concerns

Listen to yourselves! She must have been gaslit... He must have done something to anger her...

No one made that up, that actually happened and until you have been in that situation and suffered through mental torture, you have no idea what it's like and how it affects your brain. It's exactly the way bullies work to get their victims to snap.

the family man, the mr social, mr always smiling and out and about , loads of friends, everyone’s go to. Behind closed doors the reality is so so different. Except you haven’t got a broken jaw or strangulation marks

This is so true. I've rarely read so many posts on a thread that have resonated so much with me, so painfully.

@MzHz

How to help HER?

Wow! Fucking hell.

Fuck HER! Help her H and kids get her the fuck out of their lives!

Astonishing.

Mind you, my own mother and my sister rang woman’s aid to get support for themselves when I was in an abusive relationship.

This is NOT ok. She needs to leave them.

That really is a horrible attitude to have towards someone who may be suffering mental and emotional abuse. Do you have any idea what that can do to your state of mind?

I'd say. Mary this isn't good on the kids or neither of you. Have you considered maybe splitting up. You can move in with me for a while if needed.

@EarringsandLipstick

the family man, the mr social, mr always smiling and out and about , loads of friends, everyone’s go to. Behind closed doors the reality is so so different. Except you haven’t got a broken jaw or strangulation marks

This is so true. I've rarely read so many posts on a thread that have resonated so much with me, so painfully.

Same here It actually makes me feel really sad that educated, perceptive modern women trot out some of the shit I’ve read I here on this thread. Even before it happened to me I’d have reserved judgement given what the OP has alluded to. After what I’ve been through I feel compelled to stand up for anyone where there is the slightest glimmer of the sheer hell I went through is there

for all the posters who have experienced abuse, whatever forms it took, and thanks for the kind comments about my post.

This is actually the first place I’ve told anyone apart from when I had couples counselling - and was told that some of the things my partner said to me were normal in the counsellor’s home country and not an issue. This reaction and the fact I was out of control enough to hurt myself was used as further evidence of how mad I was.

So it means a lot to get acknowledgement about what it can do to you.

Many women who have been subjected to insidious, soul destroying, sanity questioning relationships often wish they would be beaten so at least someone might believe them

I used to wish this for that reason.

couples counselling - and was told that some of the things my partner said to me were normal in the counsellor’s home country and not an issue. This reaction and the fact I was out of control enough to hurt myself was used as further evidence of how mad I was

I'm so sorry you went through that. I never tried marriage guidance as I had no confidence the counsellor would be able to understand or see through my husband. And I knew my husband would use it to mentally beat with me and further proof that he was right and I was crazy.

[quote Cleverpolly3]@PlanDeRaccordement

The narrative I’m talking about is the “she hit him therefore she is an abuser”
It’s top level and ignorant of the circumstances that I suspect sadly feature in this relationship

It is a narrative that feeds the real
Abuser’s cycle and plays into their hands

Your experience is not the same but as horrendous in a different context
Many women who have been subjected to insidious, soul destroying, sanity questioning relationships often wish they would be beaten so at least someone might believe them.
All too often the emotional narcissistic abuser is the Disney dad, tho e provider, the family man, the mr social, mr always smiling and out and about , loads of friends, everyone’s go to. Behind closed doors the reality is so so different. Except you haven’t got a broken jaw or strangulation marks[/quote]
Funny how when it's a man smacking a woman around, MN doesn't tend to view it as "he must have been gaslit". Thankfully it's not 1950 anymore.

Lose the double standards.

Civilised people are not violent.

the family man, the mr social, mr always smiling and out and about , loads of friends, everyone’s go to. Behind closed doors the reality is so so different. Except you haven’t got a broken jaw or strangulation marks

Isn’t this what the friend is. The woman with a family, mrs sociable, friendly and out going. But behind closed doors a different person

I think that telling could be taken as a cry for help as she knows her violence is getting worse

I think whatever she is admitting to is 100 times less than the reality and I think she is trying to excuse her behaviour by making him out to be the one who started it and driven her to it. But the reality is again something different

I wonder what the husbands take on what leads up to these incidents are and what it is that she actually does

@User135644

No double standards here from me. I’m not trying to make a silk purse out of any sow’s ear
L

As I have stated in This thread before the fact that the only DAPP are for men should tell you and others something. The number of women killed by abusive male partners or ex partners every week should tell you something. The number of women forced to contribute in states of pregnancy and child rearing should tell you something, who’ve been duped into surrendering every aspect of themselves that could help them escape.

Physical abuse - as largely emotional abuse - is a sad indictment of the fact that even in 2021 women are still more vulnerable and victimised then men will ever be despite all these developments we are supposed to be proud of in our society. Refuges are overflowing, there are lists as long as your arm for places. Social housing cannot cope, the family Court and criminal system is overrun with the human casualties of this. It 99% of the time men who are the aggressor on these situations. Sorry if you don’t want to hear those truths but this is the reality.

Why do you think there is a new Domestic Abuse Bill the high has greatly expanded the scope and depth of what abuse really is? Wake up.

If this woman IS being abused then I don’t make an attempt to condone what she is doing. I don’t need to. What I am doing is asserting that there might be a context and that being abused might provide a reason why. The OP has alluded to elements of concern regarding this already. Why do you think this woman is now telling someone this?

If this woman is undertaking violent attacks and she is not being controlled or abused then why isn’t her husband doing something about it? Nobody has asked that question. He surely can’t be happy with it? Why is he also then failing the children?

If she is struggling with her mental health why isn’t he doing something about it?

Too many people have read this thread without picking up on some very clear warning signs that people who have sadly experienced aspects of this in relationships know all too well.

It worries me how naive and quick to assume people on assuming women are. It could happen to any of you.

@Bythemillpond

the family man, the mr social, mr always smiling and out and about , loads of friends, everyone’s go to. Behind closed doors the reality is so so different. Except you haven’t got a broken jaw or strangulation marks

Isn’t this what the friend is. The woman with a family, mrs sociable, friendly and out going. But behind closed doors a different person

I think that telling could be taken as a cry for help as she knows her violence is getting worse

I think whatever she is admitting to is 100 times less than the reality and I think she is trying to excuse her behaviour by making him out to be the one who started it and driven her to it. But the reality is again something different

I wonder what the husbands take on what leads up to these incidents are and what it is that she actually does

So you think she’s had an epiphany and her conscience has finally been pricked?

By telling her d her husband pushes her to breaking point and has this effect in her it could be she’s trying to get help for a problem she is not the root cause of?

If this woman is undertaking violent attacks and she is not being controlled or abused then why isn’t her husband doing something about it? Nobody has asked that question. He surely can’t be happy with it? Why is he also then failing the children

My friend took 22 years to leave her violent and abusive husband. Men and women who are in abusive relationships don’t leave on the first sign of violence or the first nasty remark. It can take years for someone to get up the courage to walk out as their confidence and sense of how they should be treated has been driven down. They are probably told that it is their fault and they somehow deserve the treatment so try to walk around on egg shells for years in order to stop the violence. But it still happens and then they believe they have to try harder so it doesn’t happen again.

If she is struggling with her mental health why isn’t he doing something about it

Probably because it is her mental health and she has already admitted she is the abuser so telling her to see someone to sort her mental health out would probably result in another injury

Cleverpolly3

There is nothing to say that this woman laying the blame for her actions on her husband is true. It just sounds like the “You/She made me do it” you get from wife beaters.

I was thinking her latest attack might have been a bit more than a few slaps and she is herself worried that she could end up doing serious damage and the world would know what she did.

@Bythemillpond

If this woman is undertaking violent attacks and she is not being controlled or abused then why isn’t her husband doing something about it? Nobody has asked that question. He surely can’t be happy with it? Why is he also then failing the children

My friend took 22 years to leave her violent and abusive husband. Men and women who are in abusive relationships don’t leave on the first sign of violence or the first nasty remark. It can take years for someone to get up the courage to walk out as their confidence and sense of how they should be treated has been driven down. They are probably told that it is their fault and they somehow deserve the treatment so try to walk around on egg shells for years in order to stop the violence. But it still happens and then they believe they have to try harder so it doesn’t happen again.

If she is struggling with her mental health why isn’t he doing something about it

Probably because it is her mental health and she has already admitted she is the abuser so telling her to see someone to sort her mental health out would probably result in another injury

As much as what your saying is possible it is also just as if not more probable that he is not quite as much the victim in this as people think .

Based on this that the OP wrote

“I know that he pushes her to her limits emotionally and suspect he gaslights her.”

You don’t push someone who you know struggles with their mental health to their limits emotionally. Especially if you have a family with them and especially not if you’re living in fear of their abuse

It doesn’t add up.

@cleverpolly3

NORMAL people don't push ppl with poor mental health to their limits. BUT emotional abusers definately do.

You're approaching it from a neurotypical mindset of someone who just wants to get along with their partner.

Abusers want to BREAK their partner.

@Bythemillpond

Cleverpolly3

There is nothing to say that this woman laying the blame for her actions on her husband is true. It just sounds like the “You/She made me do it” you get from wife beaters.

I was thinking her latest attack might have been a bit more than a few slaps and she is herself worried that she could end up doing serious damage and the world would know what she did.

No. You are entirely missing the point of the dialogue around what some people do as a result of experiencing very damaging but less obvious form of abuse and control. A victim’s physical or aggressive reaction to this sort of treatment has been exhorted from them as part of the strategy deployed to increased control and scope for abuse by using the said reaction as ammunition. It is not entirely unheard of for victims to confide or confess to this behaviour either at Some point the if support / intervention is sought or occurs.

An abusive person who delights in systematically inflicting themselves in any manner is merely deploying a smoke screen to guilt trip and confuse the victim of their abuse by asserting that the victim “made them do it” the fact is they will do it anyway.

This sort of missing the point is why domestic abuse victims put up and shut up for so long. And who would blame them.

[quote Umberellatheweatha]@cleverpolly3

NORMAL people don't push ppl with poor mental health to their limits. BUT emotional abusers definately do.

You're approaching it from a neurotypical mindset of someone who just wants to get along with their partner.

Abusers want to BREAK their partner.[/quote]
I’m confused
I’m saying the same things as you

I completely agree

[quote Umberellatheweatha]@cleverpolly3

NORMAL people don't push ppl with poor mental health to their limits. BUT emotional abusers definately do.

You're approaching it from a neurotypical mindset of someone who just wants to get along with their partner.

Abusers want to BREAK their partner.[/quote]
Sorry pressed send too soon
I suspect he is emotionally abusing her

I don’t think he is living in fear and just wants to get along with her. Hence my reference to the pushing her to breaking point

As much as what your saying is possible it is also just as if not more probable that he is not quite as much the victim in this as people think

But she has admitted it is her who is attacking him.

Based on this that the OP wrote

Iknow that he pushes her to her limits emotionally and suspect he gaslights her

You don’t push someone who you know struggles with their mental health to their limits emotionally. Especially if you have a family with them and especially not if you’re living in fear of their abuse

It doesn’t add up

Has the op actually witnessed any of this? Or is it just what her friend tells her.

She has said her friend has existing mental health issues which she won’t get treatment for and that sounds like this was there prior to her Dh.
I still think the latest attack went too far and this woman is coming to her senses and realising that if an ambulance is called then she stands to lose a great deal.

Bythemillpond, you have it. This is what her friend is telling her. Her side of the story. And I agree that her friend is worried that this might be the last straw (for herself as well) & that as far as the kids are concerned, SS could very well become involved.

My DH is has a friend, who is the man in this situation. And by the same token, yes, he’s only hearing his mate’s side of the story. But he’s good friends with the wife too. The man is at his wit’s end re. her MH issues. It’s sad for the whole family.