Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

You owe her precisely £0 but if you are feeling generous you could give her 1p and tell her not to blow it on anything silly.

I would give the exact amount she 'paid' her Mum for raising her. Which I'm betting on being £nil.

I am so angry I need to get this off my chest.

My mother is blocked on everything and I just knew close to the due date she would try to make contact. And I was right.

She sent me a message saying that she bought a new phone, and explained the importance of regular bowel movements every morning and what can be done to encourage this!!!! Literally just that!

My boundaries feel violated on a number of fronts and of course I have blocked her, I didn't reply. Now I feel anxious about what she's going to try and do next. Wish it was as simple as paying her off to get rid of her.

"Mother, I will not be paying you a penny. Please do not contact me again. Regards, "

Simple and blunt and then do not have any more to do with her.

You deserve so much better than her 💐

Typical of abusers and people with PDs - if you disengage, they try acting like nothing happened and getting back in touch to reel you back in.

I would just continue to block her.

Block and ignore her

Normally I’d say block her

But if you respond to say “do not contact me again, any further attempts at contact will constitute harassment” then if she tries to contact you again you can approach the police

If it’s going to ramp up then it might help to say this to her clearly now so that you can escalate it if needed

You’ve got to stay strong and not let her or her messages get to you. Think about all that you have achieved in spite of her. Speak to someone professionally and focus on your happiness !!!

Change your phone number.

Be very selective about who you give your new number to.

Tell your DP to block her and not to tell you about any messages she sends for you. Just delete and block.

My dear, you can ask your mobile provider to give you a new number if you’re getting harassed - I know, i asked when I fell out with my mother

You need to change your number

This is just awful!!

She's obviously got such terrible control over you that you think this is reasonable.

Don't pay her anything!!

Even paying her off wouldn't make a difference. Abusers like control. If you can afford to pay do so just to get her off your life for good.
If your father wants a relationship he'll have to do the right thing for you and for him and leave her.
Children aren't investments for us. We invest in them to ensure them a great future. Their future. The owe us nothing.
Hopefully we can have their love and respect but that's it.
Don't feel guilty as she doesn't feel guilty for all the things she has done to you. ❤️

I hadn't considered changing my number but may have to do so. The trouble is that it's a work number she is using (which we are allowed to use for personal use). I guess it also means going NC with my dad as he will give my number to her.

I still feel irate. How dare she contact me, and how dare she talk to me about something so private without me asking her. Who the hell just randomly gives advice on bowel movements!!!

Your father's an enabler sadly if he gives your mum the number. I went NC phones everything with my mother. I moved house. She found me through a mate at my hospital board who accessed my medical records

Ask work to change your number. I'm sure they'll understand.

If not, send the text to say do not contact you again or you will go to the police. Do not give in, you don't need this stress close to your due date, it's not healthy.

@justasking111

Your father's an enabler sadly if he gives your mum the number. I went NC phones everything with my mother. I moved house. She found me through a mate at my hospital board who accessed my medical records

Wow I hope they got in trouble for doing that.

My suggestion would be to do the following.
As the existing number she contacted you at is one that is provided by your work, contact whoever you need to in there that allocates mobile phones/numbers and ask them would there be any way that you could request that that number be moved to a Pay as you Go plan and you want to take that number on yourself. You've been receiving some strange messages but as you have given that number out to so many people you want to just put the phone in a drawer and check it once a week. In the meantime, if you could be allocated a new number on whatever plan the company has, you'd really really appreciate it and you won't be giving out that number to anyone except colleagues as and when necessary.
Could your company facilitate something like that??

You would then take on the bill for the first number, keep it live for a few months (or not as you see fit) and your work could provide you with a new number for work purposes?

I would send her an itemised breakdown and a payment cheque of 1 pence per year of your life plus 9 months 'incubation interest'. It keeps your "promise" (which I think is bs) and then you can truly NC her out of your life for good. You deserve so much more than this

My own father told me when I had children of my own "your children don't ask to be born and therefore you owe them everything."

It sounds to be like your mother owes YOU an awful lot. 💐