Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

I suspect it would be like paying a blackmailer - it will never be enough to stop her coming back.

If you genuinely want to pay her to feel you have kept your promise to yourself, then do so. Perhaps a nominal amount - eg £5K, £10K - or whatever you can afford to pay that will mean enough to her that she won't want to turn it down (this is easier the less disposable income she has herself obviously) With a formal legal-sounding letter stating that her acceptance of it means she no longer has contact with you.
But ONLY if you can really afford to do it.

@Cocolapew

I would start and finish with Fuck All

Nailed it in the first reply.

I would send all of zero pounds to the following bank account:

Sort code: f.u.c.k.0.f.f

Account number: Y.o.u.b.i.t.c.h

Payment reference: goodbye

Get that toxicity out your life. You owe her nothing.

Just go non contact, have therapy.

No financial amount will make her happy and shut up.

I "invest" in my children- I show them how to be good people so the planet can continue to function and they will treat my grandchildren well.

I don't "invest" in them to get anything back for me. That's such a ridiculous notion.

Although I have taught them all how to make an excellent fruit crumble and am now reeling the rewards

Seriously though, OP, spend the money undoing the damage your mother has done. She chose to have you, she should love you unconditionally.

Tell her no investment comes with guaranteed returns.

@GingerScallop

You poor soul. You owe her nothing. Charge her for bringing you into a world that's crap without consent. Cut contact, get counseling and move on and enjoy your life

This

My parents said I owed them because they had put a roof over my head, fed and clothed me. Unsurprisingly, I'm now NC with them.

Please don’t do this to yourself.

You are allowed to break promises.

Don't give her any money, whether you promised or not. Cut contact. You didn't ask to be born & invested in. Giving her any money won't help the situation, but it will mean her nasty attitude has paid off.

You sound like you could benefit from some therapy instead. Thinking of you.

The reality is that it is highly likely she will deem whatever you give as being derisory. Paying her anything will encourage more demands. You have a family. Spend your money on your kids and remain nc. You can't reason with people like her. Sorry you're going through this.

I would send her a penny in the post, and a note telling her to keep the change.

Tell her to fuck off. You didn't ask to be born, she chose to have a child.

I've never heard of anything like this in my [long] life.

You need some therapy/counselling so you can heal.

I hope this is a joke. Because this is the most bonkers batshit thing I've ever read on here.
Op if you are serious then please please get some therapy x

@Zezet

Tell her no investment comes with guaranteed returns.

Haha, this!

Tell her she obviously sees you as a poor investment, but that's not your problem-adios!

I haven't read the thread (sorry) but out of interest, how much did she pay your grandmother?

Op what a shame you dont owe your mother anything whether money or otherwise .as an adult you choose to have children
They dont choose to be born .if you do a decent job of raising your children .the payment will be the love they still give you .being a part of the ups and downs of there adult lives is payment ..my children or granddaughters dont owe me a jot .there love is enough .I hope you have someone or family of your own .concentrate on them and leave a bitter old woman to herself.

I suspect it would be like paying a blackmailer - it will never be enough to stop her coming back.

Beautifully put. This is pure emotional blackmail from your mother.There is no "fair" amount to pay in response to your mother's blackmailing demands. However much you give she will always try to make you feel guilty and she will succeed until you find the strength to resist the guilt she has planted in you and to refuse her ridiculous demands altogether.

Buy yourself on of these books and take a big step away from your Mother, that's the most effective way you can pay her back.

www.purewow.com/books/toxic-family-books

You owe her nothing. You did not ask to be born. She chose to have a child and then she chose how to bring you up.
End this madness by ignoring her completely, never mentioning money again and getting some counselling.

Send her a cheque, along with a note saying that you feel that the sum enclosed represents a fair recompense for the upbringing that you received. Make the cheque out for 10p. Then go NC.

Deduct from what you owe her a penalty for every bit of failed caregiving. If you theoretically owe her (which you don’t- it’s abusive bollocks) you are paying for a service of an appropriate standard. Did she parent you to a standard worth paying for? If she was a nanny would you have sacked her? If parenting is a financial transaction then you are entitled to require minimum service levels.

Go no contact - whatever you do will never be enough.

I haven't read the thread (sorry) but out of interest, how much did she pay your grandmother?

This is an excellent point.

Take advice from a Grandmother.
You only owe your Mother love and respect and then only, if she earned it, which in your case I doubt. You do NOT owe her money, no caring mother would expect it. I am desperately sorry that life has been so difficult for you, cut her off now. It will be hard at first but she is like a cancer that needs cutting out. Be brave God Bless

Ah, fuck her. Tot up some stupendous sum for her services in raising such a faulty object and then minus the many thousands in pounds having been cathected by a narcissist will ostensibly cost you in therapy for the rest of your life, leaving a total of.... one pound, or if you are feeling generous ten, and then include a cheque for that sum.