Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

She chose to have a child and give birth you. You didn't ask to be born so tell her to F off and go no contact forever

Please put that money towards your own children. You made a promise under duress. If there was no sum set there was no contract with your mother. It sounds like she was a dreadful mother anyway. I would never normally advocate going no contact with a mother because I imagine how much it would hurt if my children did that to me. But in your case, I think the further you get away from that poisonous woman the better. Change your phone number, block her on every device and never ever let her near your children.

Honestly, even if she took it further because you had it in writing the judge would use it as arse paper and laugh in her face.

You don't owe her for your existence lovely. She's an abusive narc who's out for what she can get.

Did she pay her own parents back? . Keep the money in an account for your DC.

Wow, she sounds like an absolute treat! My mum's mother tried to pull a similar trick on her. Instead, my mum sent her an itemised bill for a lost childhood that came out EXACTLY at the amount my grandmother was requesting.

Funnily enough we never heard from her again.

You didn't choose to be born, you owe her nothing. Give her nothing and cut her out of your life completely

@Progress2019

Oh my god she sounds grotesque. Please don’t give her a penny. If you really feel you have to, then maybe a donation in her name to an abuse or mental health charity, and tell her thats what you've done.That way...

• You’ve paid your ‘debt’ (although in reality you don’t owe her anything)
• Your conscience is clear
• You’ve showed that bullies don’t get their own way
• People who need help will benefit
• You’ve had the last word

And that has to be it. I see people here going NC for all sorts of reasons but none more deserved than this. You’ve got your own lovely family now and you need to protect it from this. If your dad doesn't see it, then cut him off too, and if she abuses you further could you look at an injunction?

Im terribly terribly sorry you’ve had to deal with this, and just to add - no one has hair as wonderful as Kate Middleton! Perhaps its only for princesses.

^^ This is excellent advice.

Whatever you were to give her wouldn't be good enough because she is totally unreasonable.

You want to do something, tho, because of your promise and your feeling of it hanging over you.
So a charity donation could be a great answer for you.

You and your children need to be NC from this person as she'll only cause you distress.
(I say that as a mum and a gran.)

How old are you op, give her £1 for every year you are old with and a note saying as promised debt paid. She hasn't stipulated a price so she can't complain about the amount.
Once send the paltry few quid,block her email, block her phone number, block her on social media. Don't get into conversation if she gets round your blocks, just block the new numbers and email addresses.
Also see a solictor and see if you can get something legal sent to her telling her never to contact you again

It seems to me that the real problem here is that you genuinely think you should do this and all you want from mumsnet is help with the £ amount. From your posts and follow ups it seems clear that you’re not willing to hear that you shouldn’t pay her a penny.

Trust me: you could pay her £1mil and it wouldn’t make her go away or make things better. You can’t buy her silence, or her niceness, or her reasonableness, because she doesn’t have any of those within her.

You need to mourn the shit time she’s given you through your life and the mother you deserved but never had.

You also really, really need to cut her out of your life, and anyone else who is going to be an “in” for her (you mention your enabling father for instance). THAT is the best thing for you and certainly for your children.

If it would really really really make you feel better to hand over some £ then £100,000 is often quoted - but give it (or a more sensible sum) to a women's mental health charity, not to her. Debt more than paid.

@Soubriquet

Pay her nothing!

You didn’t ask to be born. This investment was her off her own back and she shouldn’t be treating you like this

Go completely no contact. Don’t answer any messages, block her on every thing possible and if she persists in trying to get to you go and see a solicitor

This. You didn't ask to be born. It was her choice. If she feels she 'wasted' years bringing you up and now regrets it she should never tell you - that is for her to come to terms with privately. You have no debt to pay. If you have any spare resources (cash, time, emotional energy) invest them in things which will help you recover from her attitude to you.

Sorry, I should have read to the end before i posted.
If the Qu is purely 'how much' not 'if' then it is still the same.
You could never pay her enough money to make 'it' up to her.
10K not enough, 100K not enough, 1M probs not enough as it is her void inside that cannot be filled by money / your apologies etc.
It's like some Greek myth of an unfillable jar.

Sounds absolutely mad for your mothers part! If you don’t like her and she is not bringing you happiness then stop all contact with her.

For what it’s worth, if she has made you feel this way, said these things and pressured you so much, then it doesn’t sound like she made much of an investment. Sellotape 50p into a card and tell her to be on her way.

@TruelyStruttingHotpants

OP just wondering is your mother British or originally from a different country. I just know some friends that have parents with similar views of children being an investment. That the children have always been told it is their duty to pay back the parents once adults. So is this just a culture thing? Saying all that she also sounds less than delightful.

It might or might not be a cultural thing. But even if it is "cultural", OP needs to refuse.

If you give a bully/manipulator an inch, they will take a yard. Then another yard. Then another. . .

Did you ask to be born and sign a contract before you existed? It's horrible for you but not your fault and you don't deserve to be made to feel that your childhood has a price that you need to pay. She chose to have a child, you had no choice in your parents. You are what is important in this situation and need to look after yourself. She deserves nothing.

I know it is hard to react normally when you have been reared by an abusive parent. But listen to the universal opinion on this thread - you owe her nothing and paying her anything will be toxic for you not theraputic.

Please just cut her off completely and do not engage. The only way she can "worm back in" is if you let her. you have all the control here if you only knew it. Ask your husband to help you block her number, block her completely. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your new baby and think of her as entirely absent from your life. Honestly if your father faciliates her bothering you, I'd go nc with him too. you need to mind yourself and your family - not this horrible woman.

The problem with narcissists is they make you believe that if you tried harder you could meet the unspecified standard they require to treat you with respect. The more you interact with them the less able you are to stand back and see this for the controlling tactic it is. There is no such thing as enough with a narcissist. The only way to free yourself is to cut all contact. Any contact at all simply gives them opportunity to fuck with your head.

A promise extracted under duress and obtained by coercion would be labelled extortion under different circumstances, keeping such a promise is not honourable but you may believe it is because of the abuse you've suffered.

If you block your mother on all channels of communication she will not have the opportunity to continue her abusive behaviour. If you lack the confidence to do this for yourself then think of it as protecting your children from her.

You don't owe her a penny. Even if she was the kindest, most generous, loving and devoted parent the earth had ever seen, you still wouldn't owe her penny.

Can't believe someone has actually suggested £100,000 as if this is actually a thing. I've never even heard of it. Please tell me it's not....

You must not get involved in this, it will never be enough for her.You did not ask to be born. Have no contact with her whatsoever and seek therapy to overcome her failings as a parent.She will appear when old and ill, stand strong you owe her nothing.

Do not reward your abusive mother financially. You may find it a relief now, but in 10-20 years it will make you angry. Especially as nothing will change from her side. Just pretend she's dead and focus on healing.

The only money you should spend on her is a restraining order if she ever bothers you again.

I think you're hoping that sending her money is how you will heal from all this, but that just won't work. It will do nothing to delete or bring closure to any of the ways she's hurt you.

Plus if she's really mercenary she might just tell you it's a feeble amount, once again you didn't live up to her expectations.

It just seems a big gamble that she'll take a payoff and leave you alone. It might even make her want to mend bridges with you, and is that something you want?

I really think the best thing to do is nothing. Invest that money in seeing a really good counsellor to begin unpicking all this.

If anyone enters into any kind of contract, from marriage to business partnerships, it's not valid if there was coercion.

Whatever promise you made is void. Go no contact and never have anything to do with her again. You deserve more than this.

This is really extreme.

I don’t think this is usually the answer, but in your situation, I think that you have to go on with your life as if your mother were dead. Never see her or speak to her again, and tell everyone close to you not to either. Change your phone number. If she comes to your door, don’t answer—dead people don’t visit. If she writes to you, rip it up. Block her from everything.

What you’re telling us is only the tip of the iceberg. I’m sure the whole story is much, much worse.

The best thing you can do is get help for healing yourself. Paying her will validate her abuse and encourage more. The only way to deal with her vileness is to block it out. Sadly that might mean your dad gets blocked too, but he enables her and is co-dependant. You can't fix her, you can't make her go away by paying her. She wants engagement so she can abuse you more. Grey rock and block are your friends.

I would say that she owes you for the damage she has caused. My Dad and his two brothers paid all of his mum's bills for years as she said that they would get the house when they die. She continually played this card again and again. My Dad tries on occasion to play that game with me. Stick it up your backside is my attitude. Good luck Op