Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

We all, every single one of us, this with mothers like yours, with mothers who aspired to be as cruel as yours and those who had mothers who were just a little bit crap, we ALL give you permission to cut this woman from your life, to free yourself and to never speak to this woman again.

I was abused by my sons dad, my son suffered too. I got him out.

My mother hurt my son so won’t see him again

We have ONE job as parents: to protect our kids

I've been thinking a lot about this today, Andhra really thought what I would do in this position.
I ultimately decided I would write a journal.
Each page would detail one specific abuse the mother caused and detail how it affected you.
I would fill the book saving the last page.
On the last page, big bold letters, investment repaid with the date
I would then take the book to lawyer, get them to draft a legal letter confirming no attempt at contact is to be made. Get the lawyer to send the book with the letter

Then block her everywhere

Writing the abuse down may also help you with some kind of closure as you will also be telling your mother how her actions affected you

Ignore all of the previous suggestions of do this and say that.

Do nothing. Block her, block your dad and every single one of the channels she reaches you through and go back to therapy.
She will never stop. NEVER. Protect yourself and your kids and never see any of them, ever again.

You need to work on this with therapy, it's clear your mum has done a number on you as to anyone who hasn't been through this, the idea that you owe your parents anything ( unless a specific loan) is preposterous. When you decide to be a parent, you accept that it costs a fair bit of money to bring them up, and that it's on you, as you decided to have them. You did not ask to be born.
Noone sane in the world would think that you should pay her whatever the promise, it certainly would not stand up in a court, she'd get laughed at.
I think the fact that you are even considering it means you have a lot to work through, and you are not committed yet to fill NC as still trying to appease her come what may. You haven't grasped that neither payment or anything will appease her, as this is her MH problem, you can't just buy someone out of their MH issue. She won't suddenly go " ok then, now you've paid me, I'll give you affirmation that you are a loved child".

This transaction is like a scam. You wouldn’t part with your money if you found out you were being scammed, even if you did promise to pay.
You don’t owe your mother anything at all. She owes you a lot.
Use your money for yourself and your own lovely family.

Children are not an investment.

Investments are made with two parties making a agreement/agreeing to a contract , with both parties fully aware of doing so.
Unborn babies, babies & children cannot agree to "investments".

Anyone who is sane knows this.

Your mother is clearly not sane.

You need therapy for the FOG.

Oh and even if you owed your mum.kindness and consideration as a result of being her child; she's negated that by being a shit parent.

I'd send her 50p.

Or a pillow to smother herself with.

Tenner in a card, with a note, "for all the love you lavished upon me as a child" then never speak to her again.

This can't possibly be serious?

Love this reply from @UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea "Tell her the money you have saved up to pay her back will be going towards the substantial therapy bill that's needed to unpick the issues resulting from your dysfunctional upbringing."

Brilliant. I am in awe of some Mumsnetters and how articulate they are.

Why are you continuing contact with your df if he is enabling her ?
Why isn't your dh insisting you go nc and protecting you from this toxic woman - for your sanity and for your dc's sakes ?

Thete is no fair amount. You need to cut her out of your life, give her nothing, and maybe attend some counselling to work through why you allow yourself to be treated like this.

@Geanna2

This can't possibly be serious?

You underestimate the damage a toxic parent can cause, even well into adulthood.

I'd block her and your spineless Dad and move on with my life. She's had enough money off of you already and it will achieve absolutely nothing. You think she'll be satisfied after you fulfil this ridiculous 'promise'? It never ends with abusive people until you cut them out of your life.

@LadyEloise

Love this reply from *@UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea* "Tell her the money you have saved up to pay her back will be going towards the substantial therapy bill that's needed to unpick the issues resulting from your dysfunctional upbringing."

Brilliant. I am in awe of some Mumsnetters and how articulate they are.

Why are you continuing contact with your df if he is enabling her ?
Why isn't your dh insisting you go nc and protecting you from this toxic woman - for your sanity and for your dc's sakes ?

^^^ This

I once joked with my parents that I'd pay if they ever needed to go into a home. I was in my 20s at the time.

My dad reminds me of this but as a joke.

That's what healthy relationships do.

Dh had a toxic mother and an enabling father and is still in therapy dealing with it. It's cost us a fortune - but is worth it.

I didn't initially realise just how different our respective upbringings were (mine happy and nurturing, his not ) and the ongoing impact that has in how you react to things and expectations of what is "normal". It's only c20 years into our marriage that we have come to recognise this. But it has really helped in understanding

No. No. No. No. No.

Your mum sounds awful and I feel for you OP.

I hope that my 'investment' in my kids pays off eventually; I would like to be rewarded by having kind, thoughtful adults in the world, and in my life

I am 'investing' in this by attempting to model good behaviour and demonstrate that we look out for family.

Fuck her. Very much. You agreed to 'pay her back' when you were very young, but as PPs have said, it will never be enough. It sounds like you want to pay her in order to have peace of mind yourself, and closure from your relationship with her.

Get this on your own terms by stating (to her or to yourself, she doesn't necessarily need to know) that you have had enough. You are putting the relationship behind you, and importantly letting go of the guilt that she's been trying to put on you.

Once that's done, and nit saying that will be easy, hence others suggesting therapy, you will have paid off her investment.

She gave you guilt; let it go x

I agree with posters who say that by even contemplating paying her off, you're buying into her sick worldview. Which suggests you need to do more than go NC (that is step number 1). Youneed to unravel and shed all her vile, warped, manipulative crap. And free yourself from it. For your sake, and your family. Under absolutely no circumstances, please, feed her screwed up motions of investments. You're just propping her up, not freeing yourself properly. I wish I could slap her in your behalf. Evil woman

Send her nothing, because even if you do it’ll never be enough will it?
Go completely no contact, block, delete, etc. It was her choice to have you, so tough toe nails.
I’m very sorry that your mother is like this, can’t imagine what you went through growing up.

Ohhhop I just want to hug you I understand how you feel my mum and dad split when I was 5 I suspect because of how she is , I would endure regular beatings for looking like my dad she found a replacement daddy for his 18 year old son to rape me for 2 years between the age of 8 and 10 when I finally plucked up the courage to tell her nothing was done she didnt even protect me by ringing the police , a few month later in one of her outburst she called me a dirty little slag no wonder he did that to me , theres a lot more but these things will always stick with me although I'm at peace with them now I joined the army at 16 and stayed for 15 years I was quite a troubled young woman in my 20s self harming mental health issues I could never find peace , I have 4 children now it wasnt until I had them that I really started to question her version of parenting if it's all you know you have nothing to compare it to only I didnt want my children to be scared of me to feel guilty for merely existing. I wanted them to be very wanted and feel that way and lived oh the feel of a big hug from my kids was probably the first time I truly felt love and do you know what op up until a few weeks ago I kept my mum at arms length it wasnt too bad if she pushed for more i pulled back because in my head if she kicked off it was only me it affected but this time she didnt she spat in my daughters face in front of my grandchild and i can truly say she has crossed a line i have protected my children from this behaviour for 22 years and done everything i can not to be her . I was award compo through the army because of a life changing injury and she wanted some as she had raised me , how these women see money as a god given right from the children they have progressively damaged is beyond me , i refused it was a lottery win it was my childrens security if i couldnt work . OP please go fully no contact this woman has clearly worked on you over the years you didnt get a say in being conceived , you didnt get a say in who was your mum nor the way you were raised , please dont let her have a say in this go full nc for your own sake and please see a counsellor or an online group if you dont want to do face to face I know I struggled , I am at peace now with my past I am not the bad person she told me I was I am a better parent than she could ever be the best gift you can give yourself op is freedom and happiness , learn to grow you mother is like ivy she is obtaining and smothering the life from you much love op xxx message if you would like to talk xx

armychef so sorry for what you went through. You sound amazing 💐

Thank you everyone for your comments. There are so many that I can't reply individually but I have read every one of them.

@Armychefbethebest I am so very sorry for what you have gone through I hope you have found peace.

I am not going to give money to my mother. I think I was having a moment of madness as I am really, really worried about what she is going to do when she hears the second baby is here. I absolutely have no desire to have a relationship with her or to gain her approval in some way. I just thought maybe if I do pay her back then there is absolutely no way for her try to get back in.

It's hard for me to go NC with my father as I see how badly he is abused. Since leaving home it has ramped up for him as she focuses more on him. While I understand that it's hard after being conditioned for decades, I also can't help feeling angry at him for not protecting me enough or getting out of the situation. But I think I will have to go NC with him.

My childhood was horrendous. Most people I expect wouldn't believe me if I told them because it's so crazy. Most people in real life think she is so lovely except the people who are closest to her and have experienced her vileness. Much of it is reserved for when she is alone with someone so there is no proof or witnesses, so I think my father often didn't believe me when I was very little.

I think I am going to leave this thread now but every time I have a wobble I will read through the comments and know that I have the support of fellow MNs

So what would your mum have done if her "investment" child had been born with disabilities or acquired them or similar that meant they couldn't earn money?

What if she had to look after that child/person for life .... What would her return on investment be then?

She's bat shit.

Stop engaging with crazy - she's nasty crazy too, not even zany bit relatively harmless crazy.

No mother would ask for pay back from their children hun. I know it's probably hard but cut all contact, you don't need her