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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paying back mother for raising me

369 replies

moneyowed · 31/05/2021 12:20

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 31/05/2021 17:46

Go to therapy. Untangle all this toxic ,abusive shit.

Cut all contact with her. No need for a big announcement. Just block her on everything, letters return to sender etc. You are DONE. You don't owe her shit and sorry to say ,but you are deluded if you think the money will give you a clean break.

My mother is similar in many ways but I don't even have the big house or career and I'm fat on top of it all. Proper drives her bonkers. That's my reward.Grin

StrapOnSallyChasedMeDownTheAli · 31/05/2021 17:48

Cut her out of your life completely, you owe her nothing. She chose to have a child and therefore it was her, and your DF, responsibility to raise you without any ransom notes attached.

If you want to bring money into the equation then pluck a number out of the sky and put it on a savings account for your DC or go on a fan-fucking-tastic holiday with your own little family and pat yourself on the back for your achievements. You really don't need her acceptance or approval, I would seek that therapy to help you with this.

Acarerformum · 31/05/2021 17:48

I’m so sorry, you haven’t had what a mother should be, but so pleased you have a wonderful loving family of your own and in laws, that love you and you love them! I always stick to my promises no matter what! I would say you don’t owe your mother anything, but you promised so I think a £1 coin in a envelope, fulfilling your promise would be more than she deserves!

AdHominemNonSequitur · 31/05/2021 18:14

You are not a failed investment, because you are a person not an investment.

The "promise" that you made was meaningless, since the premise of you being a failed investment is meaningless.

Your mother is a sadistic narcissist and she is trying to control you with shame. It sounds like you know that already. You don't need an excuse to keep her away from your children, you have a duty of care not to let her get anyway near them.

If this was an AIBU, it would be a full house for your mum is being unreasonable and you owe her nothing. NOTHING.

Some of the replies are amusing, but they are revenge based, Narcs don't care whether the attention they get is positive or negative, as long as they are centered and can control you.

If you are cruel it will reverse the drama triangle, you will be the persecutor, she will be the victim. She will still be controlling you.
Ignore. Avoid. Non contact. Give her NOTHING.

legofootcasualty · 31/05/2021 18:18

Giving mum the money won't free you - she's doing this to you to keep you under her control. She has no incentive to let you go by 'paying your debt' - she wants to see she's still in control by forcing you to do things and it won't stop until you stop responding.

Giving the money will have the opposite effect of the one you want. Ignoring her, on the other hand, will show her she's not in control of you anymore.

QioiioiioQ · 31/05/2021 18:25

put a pound coin in a leather purse and leave it at a crossroads under a full moon
job done!

queenofthenorthwest · 31/05/2021 18:30

When my mum is old and there is ever a point she can't look after herself, I will look after her. That is the payback.

Now I'm old enough and settled and can afford to treat her I do. That is payback.

We look after each other as a family. Because we want to and we love each other.

I'm so sorry you mum is putting you through this.

KeyboardMash · 31/05/2021 18:31

I haven't read the full thread but I have read all the OP updates. As well as therapy to help you over this strange idea that you have to pay here because you "promised", and obviously going full NC, which sure other people have advocated, I would getting a restraining order to prevent her from contacting you. This wretched creature needs to be out of your life FOREVER and nowhere near your children. I'm not sure how high the threshold is, but abuse is a criteria and you have a piece of paper saying you owe her money because you didn't turn into the sort of person she intended...

TurquoiseDragon · 31/05/2021 18:41

@QioiioiioQ

put a pound coin in a leather purse and leave it at a crossroads under a full moon job done!
Wasn't this supposed to deter witches? Definitely apt in this case.

OP, you have children. Would you behave this way to your children? I bet you wouldn't. So don't give your mother anything, because it'll never be enough.

Your mother doesn't want it to be enough, she just wants you in her life to carry on abuusing you and making you do what she wants.

No contact, new number, ignore anything sent to you, and ignore any attempts by FMs to reel you back in.

Sounds like your DH has your back, and when you go NC, make sure he and your inlaws are aware they could be contacted by her/her FMs, so that they don't let her use them to get to you.

Original poster
moneyowed · 31/05/2021 18:47

I hear you all loud and clear Grin I think my brain has been going into overdrive the last few months as she made my last pregnancy and most of the first year with my baby an absolute misery despite me being NC (via my dad). I am due any day now and am trying to avoid it this time. I guess I realise paying her off really isn't going to work, I will have to go NC with my dad too.

I also know the amount I pay will never be good enough. As a teenager I got a summer job, my parents were in poverty and my mother gave me a monthly bill for food and lodgings which was exactly my full wages (maybe £1000 per month, about 25 years ago?) I paid it like a mug. If my mother hadn't been a housewife we wouldn't have been in poverty.

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 31/05/2021 18:49

I'd say you've done bloody well for yourself, and if you were my daughter I'd be inordinately proud of you!

Original poster
moneyowed · 31/05/2021 18:54

Oh I miscounted the years, it would have been 20 years ago. Still, a significant amount then.

OP posts:
Turquoisesea · 31/05/2021 18:57

She sounds awful, the issues are hers not yours. I would cut total contact with her, no amount of money you paid would set you free. Being in control of your life and choosing not to have her in it will. You didn’t chose to be born so you have no debt to pay. Any parent that thinks that is an acceptable thing to do or ask of their child really doesn’t deserve any relationship with their child. You sound like you’ve got a lovely immediate family, concentrate on them and remove the toxic influence from your life.

AgentJohnson · 31/05/2021 18:57

Tell her to take you to court. Did you ask to be born to a poor excuse for a parent? No you didn’t, if anything, she owes you.

Castlepeak · 31/05/2021 19:17

If you have to “pay” something to alleviate your own mental issues, but it in a trust fund for her grandchildren.

MimiDaisy11 · 31/05/2021 19:23

It's a shame about your dad. Does he not recognise the abuse? I guess if he doesn't and she's getting to you through him then you have to go NC with him too. It's sad but he's made his choices.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 19:26

Money owed

And you are correct in that you will need to go no contact with your dad too. Women like your mother cannot do relationships so the men in their lives are either as narcissistic as they are or are otherwise discarded. He is her enabler here and has willingly thrown you under the bus many times. He is a weak bystander of a man who has abjectly failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife’s behaviour.

Billybagpuss · 31/05/2021 19:37

Why is your dad enabling this? Can you not just shut him down and make it forbidden to mention your mum at all or will you have to go NC?

Original poster
moneyowed · 31/05/2021 19:52

@Billybagpuss I have tried that. He should have protected me but he didn't. But on the other hand he is just as abused as me. I will have to go NC though to protect myself.

OP posts:
Smokeahontas · 31/05/2021 19:56

I’d give her the bus fare to the arsehole of nowhere and tell her to fuck away off to it.

Other than that, change your phone number, block her on socials and go truly NC.

FOJN · 31/05/2021 19:58

But on the other hand he is just as abused as me. I will have to go NC though to protect myself.

It's admirable that you have empathy with the abuse your father has suffered but he is an adult and must make his own decisions. Please do not feel obliged to stay in contact with your father, it just gives your mum the opportunity to abuse by proxy.

TheRebelle · 31/05/2021 20:08

That’s not how it works, you owe her zero, she owes you unconditional love but it doesn’t sound likes she’s keeping up with her end of the bargain.

violetbunny · 31/05/2021 20:14

Paying her back won't work, because fundamentally it's not about the money, it's about stringing you along and manipulating you.

The sooner you come to terms with this and cut her out of your life, the better off you will be.

StaffRepFeistyClub · 31/05/2021 20:44

The bloody nonsense that some parents come out with amazes me!

No parent is owed anything by their child. If you chose to have a child then you are responsible for the child, not the other way round.

Bet she took the child allowance ...

what a nasty piece of work - block her on everything

QioiioiioQ · 31/05/2021 21:18

He should have protected me
....but instead he silently condoned the way your mother treated you, or maybe he was in control of her and she did his dirty work for him?

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