Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

*you’re

Honestly use your money for therapy. Go ZERO contact!

Did your mother signed a contract before you were conceived with all these terms and conditions?

NC is best approach.

Expecting a return from your children.
Jesus wept.

Eh! I cannot believe what I am reading here. You owe your mother nothing. Who on earth has children as an investment? Your own mother must have had a very odd upbringing herself. People usually have children as part of a loving couple to have a family(if that is what the couple chooses). As an investment, no.

OP, your mother's behaviour is so far removed from "normal" it is unreal.

You owe her nothing, she chose to bring a child into this world, with no guarantees on how that child would turn out, the same as we all do.

Most parents support their DC, encourage them to make the right choice for them, which isn't always prestige and money driven.

Cut all contact with her, so that you can enjoy your own DC. Cut your father off as well if he keeps trying to contact you on her behalf.

Get therapy to deal with your issues caused by her, and learn techniques on how to block it and move on.

You never asked or agreed to be born. She made that decision for you and she should be willing to take the risks associated with pregnancies (imagine you had been born with a life altering disability and all the money and support that would be needed to accommodate it! Would she have ‘invested’ in you then?) and an independent being’s life choices (you are your own person, not her pet project).

I mean this is the nicest way possible, but you seriously need therapy about this issue. Go no contact. If your other parent or any siblings are acting as her intermediate, you need to tell them to stop or else you will go no contact with them too. She sounds so poisonous and you do not deserve to feel this guilt.

You owe her nothing! It sounds like you were coerced and bullied into making this promise. I doubt anyone would judge you for breaking a promise made by abuse and coercion, and if they do, screw them! They’re not worth your time or attention!

Stay strong!

So.... I understand that you want to keep your promise.

Working out a monetary figure (however crazy this seems to the rest of us) is the start

I'd initially work on how much your mother paid HER mother for raising her.

I'm assuming nothing. So thats our starting figure. Zero.

You obviously feel that you had an awful upbringing so you probably don't feel inclined to pay lots of money for it

How about buying your mum a book and writing a little note inside. Job done. Subject over.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/163353717X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_PWZ4XXGHJ95SCVT9KBR4?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

@Navigation Central, abuse or narcissism has no social or economic class boundaries. It's no limited to the low paid in one bedroomed houses or bedsitters.

Tell her to fuck off and walk away. You don’t owe her anything.

Oh wow! Op I am so sorry the person who gave birth to you was so dreadful.
Now is the time to be empowered by how amazing you actually are. Write her a letter
Dear Ms X
Thank you for your long term investment, as you are aware things have not gone entirely to your plan, however, I do believe that with open eyes, unselfish views you would see you have actually gained more than you actually wanted. I understand this isn't what you envisioned, so for compensation please accept £2 for my sincerest apologies. Maybe you could invest this into a lotto ticket. Maybe you will win, most likely you will lose. But please ask Camelot for compensation too.
In fact, on writing this letter I have decided that the £2 I give you should be invested in other areas, like up your ass.
Don't contact me again, I am perfect as I am. Unfortunately there is no compensation for the offspring of god awful, abusive parents. Hey least you got a couple of quid for your troubles.
Kindest regards

Your perfect Daughter'

Tell her she hasn't managed her investment with care and her shares have crashed and are now worthless. then tell her to fuck off.

OP this isnt normal, it is abusive. I know she is your mum and you are clinging to family, but you would be much better and in the long run happier away from her. Dont let your own children grow up with this person in their lives.

If you are complete NC and block her she can't bring anything up with you.

If you need to go down the legal route do so.

Protect yourself and your DC.

So if you promised her money send her 1p, tell her that’s how much she invested in you

Then go NC and block it’s as simple as that

OP, you were coerced into making that "promise", it has no weight.

And if you go NC, then she can't worm her way back in, especially if your DH has your back.

You owe her nothing. I'd get therapy instead.

I understand what you mean but you didn't make a promise. A true promise should be freely made. What you felt you had to make was a random offer and there is no obligation to repay that.

You know yourself this wasn't reasonable and honestly whilst I understand your logic this will underpin your embedded feelings of owing something for existing. You don't.

You have the right to be your own person and you are not an extension of her. Frankly she did a crap job of investment didn't she? She was supposed to invest love and care into you. Clearly she did none of that. You made your life because of you not her. You worked past the crap she tried to put in her head.

Look at it this way . She didn't do enough , she broke the contract. I personally don't pay if someone breaks a contract with me.

I always say that I can screw up 7 ways from Sunday as a parent but as long as my DC know they are loved and valued and safe, then I did my bit. She didn't make you feel loved or valued. She broke the contract not you.

You didn't make a promise you were extorted via manipulation. There is no debt owing.

She is more than capable of bringing up a promise that I made 15 years ago

Only if you let her.
Change your phone number - block, ignore etc.
The definition of madness is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different outcome. She will always be this way if you permit her to be this way.
Make changes in your behaviour so she cannot impact yours or your daughters' lives. If you don't you will only have yourself to blame if this continues.

I never understand any parent who says to their child, young or grown up, 'you owe me', 'I looked after you, now you look after me', 'you should move closer to us now as we gave up so much for you' etc.

When you have a child, he or she gets no say in it. They don't ask to be born so they owe you nothing. Good or bad, it's only pure luck if your child is in a position to be able to help you, support you or look after you and wants to. If you get that, thank your lucky stars. If you don't, shrug your shoulders and move on. Your child owes you nothing. That's mine and DH's view and it was our parents too.

So with that in mind OP - you owe your DM nothing. Spend your time and money on yourself and your own DCs and build that loving relationship with them. Because, sadly, that ship has sailed with your mum. Time to move on.

And don't worry about the 'promise' you made. She seems to have broken all the promises a good mother makes to her children so your promise doesn't stand.

and - if you gave her £100K it would not change anything - she would say it's not enough.

Invest the 'payment' into counselling instead. You definitely need it with this awful woman as your mum.

OP, you poor darling. I cannot believe what I have read. There is nothing, not one thing that you can do to appease your mother so please cut her loose and don’t waste your precious time trying. You are absolutely correct that your priority is to protect your children from her. That means two things, firstly never allow that woman anywhere near them and secondly to invest in yourself to be the best parent you can be. Everything you say makes you sound like you are a raging success, a daughter to be insanely proud of and a wonderful and caring mother, yet somehow, thoughts of your mother have derailed you and send you down irrational paths. Therapy will do you and your family a power of good.

This thread has also made me ponder my “return on investment” in DS. I want him to stride off into the world as a happy and secure adult, I want him to achieve all the things he wants, to find love and have his own family (if that is what he wants), to be secure and happy and experience all the joys the world has to offer. And for him to come back to tell me and share things because he wants to. My return is his joy and happiness, nothing more. For him to feel any sort of obligation or that he owes me would be a catastrophic failure of parenting on my part.

You owe her nothing, regardless of promises. It’s pretty twisted to think you do. You do not. Free yourself, block her and your enabling father. You owe them nothing, this needs to be your absolute mantra.

Wtf is she for real? Actually paying her???

Counterclaim for the cost of therapy, and send her a link to the Dolly Parton song 'No Charge'.

@moneyowed

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

You are not a slave. Nor are you an investment.

She may have given birth to you and "raised" you, but you do not "belong" to her.

You are your own person.

Tell her to @@@@ off - and NEVER let her near any child of your own.

This is a totally ridiculous and unenforceable demand. No court in the land would entertain it if she tried a legal route, so don't let her emotionally blackmail you like this.

She 's HORRIBLE!

Cut her off. Invest only in counselling for yourself. You don’t owe her anything. You have years worth of abuse to undo.