Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

I would start and finish with Fuck All

You never will. You need to cut her off completely.

How much did she repay her own mother? And yes, "fuck all" is what you should give her.

Op, don't do this. Spend the money on your own mental well-being. You will never be able to make it right for her. It will never be enough.

Tell her that the money you’ve saved up to pay her back will be going towards the substantial therapy bill that’s needed to unpick the issues resulting from your dysfunctional upbringing.

Don't give her a penny. You owe her nothing. Cut contact and get on with your own life.

Spend that money on therapy OP and free yourself from the guilt.

Seek therapy for the guilt and responsibility. Do not, under any circumstances, pay a parent for doing what they agreed to do by bringing a child into the world.

Go No contact. Spend any money you considered giving her in counselling and things that make you happy!

Pay her nothing!

You didn’t ask to be born. This investment was her off her own back and she shouldn’t be treating you like this

Go completely no contact. Don’t answer any messages, block her on every thing possible and if she persists in trying to get to you go and see a solicitor

Don't do this. It is absolutely insane.

Spend the money on therapy instead.

If you were to agree to repay her, I suggest telling her that as she cared for you when you were not able, you will choose the care home she deserves when she is not able.

For your own mental health, go to therapy and completely NC with her! You didn't ask to be born! Children are not a retirement plan!

Give her absolutely fuck all ,and a middle finger as you walk away and cut any contact immediately.
What a fuckin cheeky cunt

Bloody hell! Did you sign a legal contract as a baby guaranteeing a specific "return on her investment" (even she doesn't seem sure what this means) and a penalty clause if it wasn't fulfilled?

Nope?

Well in that case I agree with PPs - you owe precisely Fuck All.

Just tell her you'll give her exactly what she gave her own mother. Then go no contact.

You pay her nothing, go completely no contact and then spend some money on therapy.

Turn around, walk away, live your best life.

Their child living the best life they can is any parents reward for their "investment".

You owe her nothing, she cannot create an obligation just because she feels like it. Having children is not transactional because the child doesn't have a say. I do understand why you're asking the question but no amount of money would ever be deemed enough, you do realise that, because she's inherently unreasonable. You owe her nothing and nothing you do will repair the relationship because none of it is your fault. You deserved to be loved and cherished just for being born and I'm so sorry you didn't experience that. You can't fix it now, unfortunately, but you can make peace with yourself as a worthwhile and worthy human being independent of the story she told you about who you are.

Send her nothing, it doesn't matter how much you did give her she would claim it wasn't enough.

Block her and take out whatever legal orders you need to if she harasses you.

You know this is unreasonable. You are NC for a reason. Remain so. What would your father say?

You pay her absolutely nothing. She chose to have you. You owe her nothing.

A mother's love is supposed to be unconditional. What she wants is about as awful as it is possible to get. I agree with others - cut her out of your life completely.

Either that, or say that as soon as she starts treating you with love and affection, you will repay her in kind.

in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

Narcissistic abuse can leave very complex feelings and emotions. If you gave her the world it wouldn't be enough for her and it certainly won't switch off the feelings and emotions you are left with.

If I were you I'd seriously consider going fully NC with her and investing your money in a therapist who has knowledge and experience of dealing with narcissistic abuse

This is not about the money. If you pay her she will come up with some other thing to beat you with.

Agree you need therapy, you sound so very damaged

Tell her to complain to the relevant ombudsman if she feels she has been mis-sold an investment.