Paying back mother for raising me

[moneyowed]

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

You owe her nothing and she sounds a truly awful person.

You don't behave like a daughter to someone who doesn't behave like a mother
Yes, this is the answer when anyone says 'but she's your muuuuum'

If you gave her the world it wouldn't be enough for her and it certainly won't switch off the feelings and emotions you are left with.
@Orgasmagorical is absolutely right about this.

You will never please her. Don't try. It's a colossal weight off your shoulders when you realise this and walk away.

You know inside that it is insane for a parent to ask a child to pay them back for being raised. You could equally tell her she owes you for having borrowed you and not looked after you well for the first 18 years, incurring expensive damage. Don't engage with narcissistic lunacy. Just ignore it or laugh at it. Always feel free to walk away mid conversation, mid accusation, mid rant. Just stroll off/hang up. It's deliciously empowering.

@category12

Buy her some pork and say "here's your pound of flesh".

Or maybe just send her roadkill?

This is awful Please don't give her a penny.
I can't believe you would, please spend the money on yourself, because agreeing to this like you did, isn't right.
You need help to get through this and finally go nc.
You will never placate a narcissist, there will always be something else.
Look how much she's worn you down, it won't ever improve.

yeah what others have said....whatever you give her won't be enough won't have been given soon enough, won't have been given in genuibe gratitude and all the other crap that narcissists use. Walk away, get help.

She’s emotionally abusing you. WALK AWAY. It won’t stop.

@Cocolapew

I would start and finish with Fuck All

I just feel that this poster kind of nailed it, nothing further to add. Go on with your life an be happy.

Does she mean old age care?

@moneyowed

Wow so many comments thank you!

The guilt comes from not keeping my promise, she never kept promises and I don't want to be like her. I also don't want to ask her how much she wants as it will be an unreasonable number.

The return on investment she expected was not monetary if it makes any difference.

A promise should only be kept if it is reasonable to do so.

You wouldn’t keep a promise if you knew a person had confided in you they abused someone

You wouldn’t keep a promise if this meant you would be blamed for a crime.

You also wouldn’t keep a promise to pay a debt you were not at fault for creating.

You owe your mother nothing at all.

Your mother’s failure to keep a promise should have no bearing in this. Those are your mothers mistakes and not yours to fix or bear the burden of.

I would post her one sarcastic, preferably rusty, penny sellotaped inside a ‘good riddance’ card and never contact or think about her again.

It sounds like she has totally destroyed your self-esteem and you should make it your mission to be happy. Perhaps it’s time for a fresh start, somewhere else (NOT giving ‘D’M your new address).

🖕
This and then walk away .

You did not decide to come into this world - she decided to have you. You owe her nothing. Really sorry you’re having this stupidity weighed on your mind. Ignore and do not give a penny - get some therapy as others have said and have a happy life. Any decent parent would quite simply just wish happiness for their child and that is payment enough.

How much has she given in return to her own mother?

OP this is horrific. You need to change the pretty much no contact to absolutely never under any circumstances contact.

Please believe you have no responsibility to your mother (I use the word as a biological meaning) in any way, shape or form. Do not engage with her in this narrative at all. If you have any spare money, go and get some counselling. She sounds extremely emotionally abusive. I hope you can recover 💐

You owe her nothing

You did not ask to be born

She is a bad mum

You owe her nothing, not even your time

Stay NC and block

The idea that we 'owe' our parents for our upbringing is completely abnormal and utterly abhorrent to the vast majority of us OP, you do realise that? Whatever you 'agreed to' you don't owe any kind of recompense for the choices your mother made in having and raising you and the fact that you have any doubt about that is an example of how damaged you are by her treatment of you. Please, please do as so many PP's have suggested, go NC and use your money to repair that damage, you owe her nothing

Honestly OP, please don't pay her a penny. I've not RTFT but, you didn't ask to be born. Children are not a financial investment. Walk. Away.

Go NC, cut her from her life and spend that money on yourself for some therapy to get rid of your guilt.

I think you should pay her exactly what her input is worth...nothing.

No half-way decent parent would ever even think of demanding this from their child. You don't owe her anything.

send an IOU filled in for 'nothing'

Tell her some investments fail.What's that get-out phrase they use on bank statements - share prices can go down as well as up. You've just dropped your interest rate to below 0%.

@moneyowed

Wow so many comments thank you!

The guilt comes from not keeping my promise, she never kept promises and I don't want to be like her. I also don't want to ask her how much she wants as it will be an unreasonable number.

The return on investment she expected was not monetary if it makes any difference.

Promises extracted under duress are not enforceable.

My mother said it once, but caught me just as I had just reached the stage of 'I'm not dealing with this shit' with a number of people, including an abusive, violent ex who I'd endured for so long precisely because, unlike her, he was nice to me outside the violent moments.

She really didn't appreciate 'Well, the going rate for a termination with dating scan at Marie Stopes is currently £650. Working back to 1973, that would have been about eighty quid. I think that should cover it, particularly considering my entire childhood was funded by the State, don't you?'

Very, very harsh words. But when you've been told so many times that you should never have been born and that it isn't possible to ever love a child so horrible that she's utterly blighted your life forever, I think responding in a way that absolutely dispassionately acknowledged the way I'd been spoken to since about the age of 7 was fairly well earned.

Oh good god, you tell your mother one thing, investments often do not give expected returns due to bad management. She did not have the requisite skills as a parent. Her problem. Then leave. Do not give her a penny, she chose to have a child, you owe her nothing. Walk away fast and far from this terrible human.

Hmm the cost of raising a child minus the therapist fees you need and the rental of headspace she owes you I'd reckon she owes you.

Seriously, what the hell. You owe her nothing and I'd never speak to her or think of her again. Awful