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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paying back mother for raising me

369 replies

moneyowed · 31/05/2021 12:20

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 31/05/2021 13:21

@VettiyaIruken

Don't do this. It is absolutely insane.

Spend the money on therapy instead.

If you were to agree to repay her, I suggest telling her that as she cared for you when you were not able, you will choose the care home she deserves when she is not able.

This
Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2021 13:21

Zero.

And get some counselling to be finally free of her. She has the problem, you do not need her in your life. And you do not need this guilt. If you made a promise under duress, under threat of further emotional or mental damage or pain, you are not bound by it. Go off and be free and get some help getting her out of your head. If she pursues you, tell her you will involve the police.

Sienna7657 · 31/05/2021 13:22

Give her nothing. Fuck that you didn't ask to be here

Dullardmullard · 31/05/2021 13:24

@moneyowed

Wow so many comments thank you!

The guilt comes from not keeping my promise, she never kept promises and I don't want to be like her. I also don't want to ask her how much she wants as it will be an unreasonable number.

The return on investment she expected was not monetary if it makes any difference.

You’d be better in therapy.

Don’t live in her shadow

Lweji · 31/05/2021 13:24

The only return parents get is usually in their old age, as families take care of each other.

If you were to pay anything to her now it should be in the understanding that you will have nothing to do with her, regardless of what happens to her.

I really, really urge you to forget about any promises made to her. It sounds like you made them to keep some sort of peace, so it could be compararable to blackmail, or at least done under duress.

You owe her nothing. She made the decision to have you and to raise you. In that respect, you could well charge her for being alive and having to work and support yourself.

Just ignore it.

Sorka · 31/05/2021 13:25

Don’t give her any money. You don’t need to feel guilt for cutting contact if your life would be better without her in it.

Stickyjamhands · 31/05/2021 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Musication · 31/05/2021 13:25

That is fucked up parenting at it's finest.

I hope you can get some counselling op and find peace and get free of her. I'm sure it's hard though - my mum fostered when we were kids and we had lots of lovely children stay with us over the years. In many cases their mums were various shades of neglectful and deficient but all these children would still keep trying to have a relationship with them, right into adulthood, despite getting abuse back. Especially the girls. I know it's really hard to NC with a mum no matter how bad she is.
So sending you love and strength because she doesn't deserve your attention.

halfhope · 31/05/2021 13:26

I have parents like your Mother OP. Never happy and always rabbiting on about the 'GREAT DEBT' that I owe to them for existing. The spell broke when I had my own child and I'm finally free from them now. Every relationship they have is transactional. What a sad way to live.

Give her zero and leave her to stew in her own juices!

nzborn · 31/05/2021 13:27

£5 and call it quits

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 31/05/2021 13:28

Precisely nothing. You didn't ask for a massive narcissist to give birth to you and you don't owe her anything.
She owes you for messing up your self esteem and your life.

Hullish · 31/05/2021 13:28

Ask her to ask her friends and colleagues how much they charged their children, and come back to you with a price.

Spend every penny on therapy and nice things for yourself OP, you deserve happiness free of her.

Crocky · 31/05/2021 13:29

Having a child is not an investment and, therefore, not something that needs paying back. You owe her nothing.

QioiioiioQ · 31/05/2021 13:29

1-Send her some tarnished pennies in a scruffy old rotting purse
2- then cut her out of your life forever
(go straight to the second item if you can't be bothered with the first)

Sennedd · 31/05/2021 13:30

If she does not want money, as I think you said upthread, does she want you to look after her as she ages? I don’t think you should give her money or care. The whole tone of your post is submissive. I agree with the poster who said that she broke promises to you and now is the time to break your promise to her. She has got inside your head and you need to stay well away for your own sanity. She sounds vicious.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2021 13:31

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

Did she not read the terms and conditions properly? All the investment opportunities have an asterisk somewhere with small print attached. Something along the lines of *market conditions can go down as well as up.

If she had tended to her investment properly then she would now have the return on investment of a happy mother-daughter relationship, which is literally priceless. It's her own fault that she doesn't, not yours.

This ^

If you felt like actually handing over cold hard cash, I'd give her a pound or maybe a fiver.

You are not her 'investment', you're a human being. My honest advice is to hand over absolutely nothing. Block her number. Block her emails. Just block her.

justasking111 · 31/05/2021 13:32

Absolutely zilch. My friends partner was twisted up like this, she had no idea he was going into debt, named on her credit cards, he ended up a bankrupt, she then went after my friends money. Luckily my friend had more nouse and made her partner a lodger with a rent book so there was no money tree to shake there.

Stop cease all contact. I had a narc. mother, spent a lot of money on her decorated and paid for every home she lodged in. We are talking wallpaper at £40 a roll. Still she kept moving and I kept paying. We are NC now for the last decade and apart from the odd letter, have blocked her on the phone it is peaceful.

duodunical · 31/05/2021 13:33

This is an easy one, go full no contact straight away.

You don't behave like a daughter to someone who doesn't behave like a mother.

SurferRona · 31/05/2021 13:33

My Mother needed care when she aged, and refused to accept it from carers. To some extent I stepped in, and my two sisters, but she got worse and it would have consumed all our lives. She always had a rather transactional approach to life, so Mother’s view was “well, I looked after you, it’s your turn to look after me”. As PP say, my response was always “you chose to have children, we never chose to have you as a mother”. So there was always a limit to how beholden I felt. Spend your money on therapy learning how to protect yourself from her influence. Say no. Though I am intrigued, if it’s not financial, what is ‘owed’? If it is care, get her used to others helping as early as possible.

Becstar90 · 31/05/2021 13:33

Is this a joke? You didn't ask to be born.. cut her off now!

pussycatlickinglollyices · 31/05/2021 13:33

You owe her nothing.

Cease all contact and enjoy your life.

I did, and it's a pretty good life.

category12 · 31/05/2021 13:33

Buy her some pork and say "here's your pound of flesh".

AdoraBell · 31/05/2021 13:33

Ask her which one of you decided that you would be born? Whoever made that decision is responsible for raising you.

Ninkanink · 31/05/2021 13:34

How about she pay you back for being a shit mother? - whatever price you quote won’t be enough, so you can quite generously call it even.

Walk away. Don’t give your ‘promise’ a second thought.

13579db · 31/05/2021 13:34

Did you choose to be born?

Did you make her have you?

No & no

She's a manipulative old sod. Be wise to her behaviour but don't give her a Penny.

Life doesn't work like that. You aren't a buy to let property or a dress that you can return to a shop for a refund.

(Similar mother here, would expect me to do similar but is more passive aggressive about it)