Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paying back mother for raising me

369 replies

moneyowed · 31/05/2021 12:20

Hello all, I know this is wrong and all kinds of twisted from my mother but what I'm trying to work out is how much is a fair sum to pay my mother.

My mother is an a abusive narc and I am pretty much NC with her. She has told me all my life that I am an investment and she expects a return on it. When I was a young adult she told me that her investment in me has gone to waste (I won't elaborate why as I don't think it's relevant) and therefore I need to pay her back for raising me. I agreed to this and promised her I would do it, in the hope that this will alleviate me of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her so I can break away.

How do I work out a fair starting point for how much I should pay her?

OP posts:
MrsGulDukat · 31/05/2021 12:50

What about working on paying yourself some compensation in putting up with that your whole life.

Go NC, get some therapy and work on those guilty feelings.

You didnt ask for life and you owe her fuck all for giving you that.

Notaroadrunner · 31/05/2021 12:50

Tell her you didn't ask to be born to her and to fuck off for herself. You don't owe her a penny. You say you are pretty much NC with her - well if she can still contact you to ask for money then you a not NC enough! Block her on every platform so that she can't contact you. Don't engage in conversation with other relatives who will no doubt try to make you feel guilty for not speaking to your mother. Your mother doesn't deserve you and you deserve to be free from her nasty narc carry on.

startingover44 · 31/05/2021 12:51

spend the money on therapy - start by reading toxic parents by Susan Forward

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 12:51

Stop at all engaging with your abusive mother because it’s not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. She has basically conditioned and or otherwise trained you to serve her whilst putting your own needs last.

You owe your mother nothing, let alone a relationship here. Do not hand over any money.

Giving her money will not absolve your feelings of FOG and will only make you feel worse. I would concur that you need this money instead to use for therapy to start repairing the damage your mother has done to you.

Fyredraca · 31/05/2021 12:51

A fiver should just about cover it. Tell her she can keep the change.

AgathaAllAlong · 31/05/2021 12:53

Pay her nothing, tell her to fuck off. You have children because YOU want them, not as some sort of favour to your unborn child. She had you because she wanted to. You owe her nothing, in fact, it sounds like she's done damage.

MustardRose · 31/05/2021 12:53

@moneyowed

Wow so many comments thank you!

The guilt comes from not keeping my promise, she never kept promises and I don't want to be like her. I also don't want to ask her how much she wants as it will be an unreasonable number.

The return on investment she expected was not monetary if it makes any difference.

The return on investment she expected was not monetary if it makes any difference

What was she expecting of you then?

QioiioiioQ · 31/05/2021 12:53

Payback? That's another word for revenge isn't it?
Tell her to get to fuck, actually no don't waste your breath on her just block her

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 12:53

You are not like your mother because you have two qualities she totally lacks - empathy and insight. Your mother had neither and she will merely continue to condition you and otherwise suck you dry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2021 12:54

Does she want you to be her carer in her dotage?.

QioiioiioQ · 31/05/2021 12:54

You should be asking her for compensation! She had a legal duty of care towards her child in which she failed, you have no legal to towards her.

Campervanna · 31/05/2021 12:55

Just tell her some investments don’t work out. She invested in you, but due to the damaging upbringing you had, the investment money was all taken up with therapy and sorting out your MH to alleviate you of all guilt and feelings of responsibility towards her!
In other words tell her you owe her nothing!

Taikoo · 31/05/2021 12:55

Fucking hell.
She's toxic.
Go non-contact.
Never ever bother with her again.

Giantrooster · 31/05/2021 12:56

So you mean she expects you to cater to her every need, now she had you?

No, no tell her she did a bad job raising you, so that account is empty.

And please even asking this on MN shows you really really need to deal with your issues.

You are not bad for not repaying something nobody should be expected to pay for. It's a sort of twisted logic, don't let your mind and mother play tricks on you. Get therapy.

NameyNameyNameChangey · 31/05/2021 12:56

You owe her nothing.
She chose to have, keep and raise you. In doing so, she created an obligation to (as a minimum) feed, house and clothe you and ensure your health and safety.
You don't owe her anything for her choosing to have children and commit to raising them.

RB68 · 31/05/2021 12:56

Please do nothing about this - since when was her fucking around your responsibility. Screw that - just ignore seriously

Notaroadrunner · 31/05/2021 12:57

@moneyowed

Wow so many comments thank you!

The guilt comes from not keeping my promise, she never kept promises and I don't want to be like her. I also don't want to ask her how much she wants as it will be an unreasonable number.

The return on investment she expected was not monetary if it makes any difference.

Don't worry a jot about not keeping a promise. Tell her you're giving her a taste of her own medicine and you hope she appreciates it as that broken promise is that last thing she's getting from you.
Soubriquet · 31/05/2021 12:58

What is this investment and what does she want in return?

Something tells me she wants grandchildren and you don’t want children yourself so are giving her money instead?

LordOfTheOnionRings · 31/05/2021 12:58

Spend it on therapy.

Tell your mum to go fuck herself

topcat2014 · 31/05/2021 12:58

Obviously this amount is zero.

Confusedandshaken · 31/05/2021 12:58

She's insane. Don't enable her. Block and move on.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 31/05/2021 12:59

I'm the mother of a grown up daughter OP.

Please don't do this my darling. Your mother is one seriously screwed up woman, and going along with this madness will only prove to her in her own mind that she is right. I can tell you now that however much you give her, it will never be enough.

Please don't waste any more of your energy trying to pacify her. From now on I would like you to focus on you. Concentrate on the people you love and who love you - and if you don't currently have some go out into the world and find some. They'll be out there.

Sending you a big hug and all good wishes for the future.

Hope x

SprayedWithDettol · 31/05/2021 13:01

You didnt willingly enter into this agreement as you had no control over your conception and birth. Ignore her.

Winter2020 · 31/05/2021 13:02

When a person chooses to have a child they have a duty to raise them (at least) to adulthood - providing for them physically, emotionally and financially. Their child owes them nothing in return. If they are lucky they will see their child be happy. You don’t owe your mum anything at all. Sounds like she was lacking in her provision for you though.

Perhaps instead of thinking about what you owe your mum think about someone else - a small child in the park with their mum or dad - what do they owe their parent? What about a 10 year old at the beach - what do they owe their parent? A teenager who passes all their exams/ one who fails them all? In all cases I would say nothing!

Sally872 · 31/05/2021 13:02

A mum does not expect this. Whatever you pay will not be enough. Pay nothing.