I’ve spent some time reading back this and my other thread and it’s been quite sobering. I’ve almost forgotten some of this stuff and I don’t know why. It was only 2021 and I’m not aware of having any memory problems. Maybe it’s just self protection, I don’t know.
But I guess it’s useful to have a record of what has happened.
Another thing that confuses me is how John has changed from one extreme to the other.
First of all he barely saw the kids for the first three months, due to his “They know where I am if they want to get in touch “ policy.
Then he swung to inviting them over for tea and offering to run them about / pick them up from school on almost a daily basis.
From June to October he wouldn’t spend a penny on them. He only paid child maintenance when he had to. Then from October to now he has been plying them with ridiculous amounts of money.
At first he told no one in our social circles and now he’s going about bad mouthing me to everyone.
I don’t know what’s going on. Now part of me says “ Fuck him why should I care, he’s not worth the head space “.
And another part of me says “ He’s up to something and I don’t know what, this is worrying. Because I know that he is dangerous and has no scruples “.
I was less worried when he was still with OW, as that seemed to keep him busy. But now I believe ( not proof ) he is single and bored again I’m anxious.
The one thing that IS consistent about John is that he is always a total arsehole. Even in situations where it would be easier for him to communicate and be cooperative. It’s like he can’t stop himself playing one upmanship.
A small example - he hasn’t seen the school reports or been at parents evening for our two younger children. This is because he refuses to contact the school and ask for his own online parents account. He won’t do this because he thinks it’s my job to sort this, as I’ve been doing it for 15 years.
I have continued to try to act reasonably and politely - though that’s been a lot easier now he only communicates by email and only when he wants me to do something. But I’m not his PA anymore.
Thankfully his consistent nastiness means that I’ve not had one single moment of missing him or longing for the “ good old days “. I tried very hard for years to make our marriage work and I got back NOTHING from him.
So I don’t have that feeling of “ If only I’d tried harder “ and worried if I’ve done the right thing. I’ve not a shadow of doubt. Every single day I thank God that I’m free of him and have a new life.
In the first years of our marriage , I stayed because he did that nasty / nice things that abusers do. Where you excuse and forgive all the bad parts because sometimes he is nice. And you know that the nice guy is the real person and he’s only mean because Reasons. And I’d you just work hard enough to make these Reasons go away, everything will be Mr Wonderful/ Charming again.
And we did have some especially difficult circumstances in our lives that he used to excise his shitty behaviour . Funnily enough it was never allowed to be an excuse for me to be anything less than 100% perfect.
But for the last years of our marriage I knew full well that he was actually Mr Nasty. He didn’t have to waste his time and energy being nice at all because I was trapped by economic factors - he used money, my job , power and the children to control me.
So I struggle to think of any times when he was ever nice to me in the last few years, unless it was in front of people and he was keeping up his public image . What’s it called - the optics ?
It was horrible to live through . But the upside of that now is that all my memories of him are unpleasant ones. I’m only sad that I stayed so long, not that he’s gone.
Mostly I’m actually very happy , because I’m looking forward and not back.