@RandomMess I’ve known for years that he was a lazy father who did the bare minimum and only the fun bits of parenting that he enjoyed. Sadly I didn’t realise this until I’d had three of his children.
But like many mothers I’ve put up with it because it seemed better than the alternative. And the kids didn’t suffer because I did everything for them.
Over the last few years I realised that if / when we separated he would see little of his kids. It would have been worse if it has happened when the were younger, as it would have been up to me to beg him to see them. He would have used this to continue to control me.
He often threatened that if I left him he would move abroad and never see the kids and it would be all my fault. That’s one of the reasons I’ve hung on for years.
So none of his conduct with the kids is a shock to me. And it’s not a surprise to two of the three kids either. But it still hurts them I think.
And it definitely hurts John’s ego that his kids CBA with him, everyone is fine and the sky hasn’t fallen. He thought we couldn’t manage without him.
He also thought that he could use money to control me post split, so he’s been deeplyshocked to have to pay maintenance. He’s so arrogant he didn’t take legal advice and thought that his argument for not paying it was a slam dunk.
So it’s not that I thought he was a great husband and father 6 months ago and now I can see clearly. He’s been an awful husband for years . But various events over the last year or so have shown me just how bad he was and in the end it was all too much to put up with any longer.
Finding out that his lies and manipulations went back to the start of our marriage was just the final straw. He has undermined me with colleagues and family member for years - I don’t even know what’s real and what’s made up. Two decades of gas lighting.
So that was all new to me. And now I know that, a lot of other things have finally made sense . It’s like the last few pieces of the jigsaw.
And of course his conduct since he left has just reinforced things for me. As it does with most women.I’ve been on MN for years and I’ve read hundreds of threads where the man declares undying love for her / his kids . Followed by months if not years of shitty behaviour.
I know that the words “ I love you / my kids / you are everything to me / I can’t live without you “ often mean “ Stay or I will make your life hell”.
His two main ways of controlling me / others were through money and withdrawing love/ affection / contact. But now he HAS to give us money and he’s the one who wants contact. So his two main weapons are useless.
His third weapon is bad mouthing me to everyone. But of course people now take what he says with a pinch of salt . Someone calling their ex for everything isn’t exactly unusual. It’s a bit of “ Well he would say that, wouldn't he ?”.
I’ve left our joint workplace so I no longer care what ex colleagues think. There’s only one person I keep in touch with and she knows exactly what John is like.
I will probably never see any of his family again - which hurts a bit but I’m resigned to it now. So why should I care if he’s been telling them I’m the psycho bitch from hell?
One of the best things about this is that I never have to deal with Helen again. She’s been a great source of pain and confusion in my life. Of course I know now that she’s had her strings pulled by John, but she’s still not a very nice person.
His fourth weapon has been isolating me from others. But time has changed that as the kids are old enough to be left alone for the evening so I can go out. And I’ve made my own friends who he can’t manipulate / control because he’s never met them.
Covid has stopped my social life ( like everyone else of course ) but I’ve been back at ( more than ) full time work for the last 12 months.
Two things that have helped me so much are talking about it here and going for counselling ( as advised here ). When it’s all inside your head it goes round and rounds. I often ended up believing what he told me and he’s such a dominant person and very plausible.
All the comments here ( and links to blogs / YouTube / books ) have helped me see things more clearly. There was so much fear , obligation and guilt ( as Attilathemeerkat would say ) .
It’s made me be more open with people in RL and less afraid that they will judge me. Remember we come from a conservative culture where you are expected to make your marriage work if at all possible, especially if you have kids.
But in fact almost everyone has been lovely . So many good surprises have come through this.