You guys make me laugh 
. I’m enjoying the mental images of him taking his tiny felted jumped out of the tumble drier along with his pink work shirts. And him cleaning the toilet.
And laughing is better than crying. Actually I’m not crying but of course part of me feels sad. Not because I love him but because it’s the end of hope - you know that tiny bit of hope you have that somehow you can make it work for the sake of the kids. Even though I know it’s not a behaviour, it’s who he is and he will never change.
The kids seem to be taking it ok. Peter (the oldest) is away from home most of the year so it affects him less. He knows that his father has had affairs and can see it’s not a normal happy marriage, so he wasn’t surprised when Helen told him their dad was leaving. Apparently she has been telling him to leave for years.
I’m sure that’s true but why the hell did she think it was ok to tell him that?
Middle child was the one who was shocked and youngest barely skipped a beat. Said “ I knew it was coming, it was just a matter of time”.
John was VERY upset at the children’s reaction - because they weren’t upset. He wanted drama and the children clinging to him pleading “Daddy Daddy please don’t leave . Evil Mummy, you have chased him away! “.
In fact two of them were quite cheerful about it and the third was shocked but said ok and left the room.
Then they all got on with their plans for the day/ weekend and John’s pride was very dented. He does love a scene.
He also imagined that the children would volunteer to cancel their plans for the holiday weekend and come help him pack / unpack / clean his new house. Those of you who have ever met a teenager will know how that went.
John and I had agreed a script to tell them, which had about 10 versions before we could agree . This was done by email as he was working away , and also because I wanted a written record of the discussion, which turned out to be very useful.
The first version was full of lies, drama, lies , inappropriate information, new information about finances and of course lies. Did I mention lies?
It was all about him ( you will be surprised to know). Said that the reason our marriage had broken down was because I didn’t love or trust him anymore . The reason he gave for this was him lending money to a colleague some years ago.
The truth is that he GAVE a great deal of our money and the business’s money to his affair partner, who was our employee. So the legal ramifications of his affair ending ( she dumped him) and her leaving our employment went on for several years.
Of course there are many other reasons for the end of our marriage , but not of these need to be shared with the children.
So that version got the red pen . I’m amazed that he thought that (a) it was appropriate to tell the children that and (b) he thought I would sit by and allow his to blame the marriage breakdown on my lack of trust .
Version 2 was full of how difficult it was for him, how sad he was and how hard he has tried to make things work. So that got the red pen for being untrue AND inappropriate . He was most put out when I said this was about the kids and their feelings and not his.
It was also full of random pointless lies like “ you [kids] are the first to know “ and manipulative lies like “ we will still be a family and spend significant days together, nothing will change “ and “ this is our family business so don’t tell anyone “ 
.
It was also a great insight into his thinking, with a whole lot of information that was new to me.
He wrote that we will separate but not divorce because then I can inherit from him tax free and the children will get more of his money so it’s to protect them . More manipulation of course .
I presume he wants to stay legally married because it’s less shameful in our culture than divorce. And presumably because it still gives him some control in my life and prevents me remarrying. And most of all it stops me having a fair share of the matrimonial assets.
He also wrote some details of the financial arrangement that are totally new to me. For example he’s going to pay some of the utility bills on my house ( look at me kids, how generous I am to help your mum ). I’m sure its nothing to do with the fact that these bills come to about half of the child support that he’s due to pay.
So it was all very useful to know his thinking on money / legal issues. And sadly, I was able to see, yet again , that he is incapable of putting the children before his ego.
So all that was left in his speech to the kids was “ I’m moving out and you are all staying here. Here’s where I’m moving to and you can come and visit me anytime I’m not working “.
Because that’s basically all we can agree on - these few facts. Even then I’m sure he’s told them a lot of lies behind my back but there’s nothing I can do about that.
I warned him not try to and make the kids take sides, that it’s emotionally damaging for them and they will lose all respect for him in the long term. But I’m sure he won’t listen.
Sigh.