John learns to adult

[R0SEMARY]

Thread 2 - many thanks to @GAHgamel for the thread title. And to everyone else who has supported and advised me thus far.

@R0SEMARY it's so sad that so many of us have to go through this process. Until men stop seeing women as their handmaidens many more of us will live through the same. I firmly believe that my mother was partly brainwashed into accepting this and sadly the propaganda got to me too.

No more! Freedom is delicious and light and sweet to taste 💜💜💜

@ROSEMARY I have followed your threads and have never commented before but can totally relate to the feeling of relief and freedom when that bad marriage ends.
I think people expected me to wander around dabbing my eyes and twisting my handkerchief, but I was so relieved, so tired from all of the effort of trying to keep him happy, it was no longer my job/duty!
I was very young at the time and knew I couldn't "waste" my life any longer.
I wish you nothing but good luck for your very happy future

So much of your last post resonates with me, Rosemary. Isn't it amazing that these wonderful, unique, very special 'men' are just about identical to each other. The thing that pisses me off is that they just move on to the next victim. We will have learned (hopefully!) from what they've done to us and have better boundaries for future relationships but nothing changes for them.

I was very young at the time and knew I couldn't "waste" my life any longer

@HazelBite - good for you getting out when you were young. I’m afraid I’ve wasted many precious years with him. But hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can’t spend any more time regretting the past. I’m just trying to make better choices now.

Thank you @Orgasmagorical. It helps to know that I’m not alone in feeling like this.

I think that these men train you to expect that you will be utterly bereft without you in their lives. No wonder you EXPECTED to feel lost or sad or depressed. I’m equally unsurprised that you feel liberated from the emotional incarceration of that kind of marriage/relationship.

@R0SEMARY

Congratulations 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻 on the beginnings of a new and better life for you and your children. You sound so much stronger and your children (all of them) will be so much better for the actions you've taken to extricate yourself from the awfully negative position you were in, both with him and his daughter. I bet you don't miss the constant gaslighting or walking on eggshells..

My very best wishes for happiness for the future. 🌹

Thank you @Orgasmagorical. It helps to know that I’m not alone in feeling like this.

Sadly there are far too many of us but it's also good to know that we not not alone in feeling the absolute and utter joy that these arseholes are out of our lives (in as much as they can be if there are children).

@Justilou1

I think that these men train you to expect that you will be utterly bereft without you in their lives. No wonder you EXPECTED to feel lost or sad or depressed. I’m equally unsurprised that you feel liberated from the emotional incarceration of that kind of marriage/relationship.

John once told me that he wanted me to “ stare into the abyss and see what life would be like without him” .

Shopping update - DS2 came back from his first every shopping trip with his father. I assumed he was getting a whole new wardrobe - he was quite excited.

He came back with a can of deodorant. His dad decided that no, he didn’t in fact need new shoes for going back to school. And no he didn’t need any new summer clothes as I had already bought many things for our holiday.

You couldn’t make it up. This is the man who has £4,500 a month disposable income - AFTER paying his mortgage, bills, pension, child and spousal maintenance.

@R0SEMARY I have one of these too. The older I get the less I care, but when the bare facts are so astonishing you do wonder when those entitled man babies are going to check their privilege or their bank statements.

The richer they get, the worse they are

Blimey, when he crowbars his wallet open do the moths fly out?

So he will keep behaving like this and then complain that his DC don't want contact with him... Skinflint.

He took DS2 out shopping and bought him a can of deodorant? Fuck me that's mean times a bazzillion. I can't imagine DS2 was very impressed OP? How is going to respond? Refuse to see his dad again in disgust would be my suggestion.

I imagine that he did the non-starting shopping trip to get a reaction from you, instead it's just going to further damge his standing with your children.

Congratulations again on leaving and your much improved home life.

Just 🙄 can't think why the DC aren't interested in spending time with him!

Time to start billing him for half of the cost of school clothes, etc.

Just wow. You'd have thought that he'd be trying to buy their love seeing as how he can't win their love. Cba even doing that.

You're supposed to ring and complain I bet.

Your poor DS 😔
I can imagine he feels like this represents how much his dad loves him - what a shit thing to do!

He is an utter sphincter

Good grief . What did DS say?

I keep coming back to this… Poor DS. Not only is he unworthy of a new pair of shoes, he apparently stinks, too. Bloody John!!!

@Justilou1

He is an utter sphincter

I'd rather have a sphincter than a John

Was he crying as he paid for the deoderant? OAPAAP . I hope your son isn't too upset, Rosemary.

DS was disappointed not to get new trainers, he said the ones he wanted were out of stock. He’s not a designer kid - they were £38.

Apparently he asked his father to buy him deodorant while they were at the shops as he ran out at the weekend and has been using mine ( don’t worry, its an unscented spray on ). He's a very practical child and doesn’t think it implies that he’s stinky. He’s not offended at all.

But yes, he would have appreciated some electronic stuff or new clothes . But I think John is only buying things that the kids can use at his house, so that rules out all gadgets / clothes.

John hasn’t said anything like this, I’m just drawing that conclusion myself.

We have no F2F communication unless I happen to see him when he picks up the kids. Usually he phones them and they go out to his car so I don’t have to speak to him.

If I do see him, I’m very polite and formal “ Hello John what time will you bring the boys back? Isn’t the weather better today ! “ etc etc. This is just for the kids benefit not his.

John has already been on at the kids about coming here for Christmas, I can tell because they raised it with me. Normally they wouldn’t even mention it until late November at the earliest, they are not ones for planning ahead.

Even the kids know that his plan is stupid. They suggested spending Christmas Day here and go to his at night . Or here Christmas Day and his at Boxing Day. They know it will be crap there.

BTW Sorry for mentioning the C word in August.

Sorry - he wants to come to you for Christmas?
What?
Ha ha ha ha ha!

He's 'been on' with them as in it's a foregone conclusion that he's coming or as in getting after them to make you host him?

Either way, he needs to get on the Nope Train back to NopeTown.