Dating Thread 205 - dusting off the gladrags

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thanks so much to everyone who's messaged me with support and advice today. ❤️it's funny- I'm usually the one trying to pick everyone up, and now I'm a mess. 😂

I guess I just feel sad because it's not the first time that this has happened. I find it so hard to even talk to men at the best of times because I have an idea that they're just going to drop me.

I didn't expect Mr Bookworm to be the love of my life or anything, but I was starting to feel comfortable with him, and excited about what could happen, for the first time since the breakup with my ex.

I think the fact that he was taking about going out with me and then having feelings for someone else hurts as well.

I'll get better, but I'm not going to go back on the apps just yet, I just don't feel ready.

🤗 to you all ❤️

@SpringlikeBunk

Sorry to hear that *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*

Just prioritise your mental health for now - seriously looking back to my 20’s I frequently felt like “every chance was the last chance” and I was on a deadline to get a man

but you have SO much time to meet new people and do new things.

I wish I’d done more stuff for “just me” rather than getting bogged down in intense relationships at that age tbh!

Loads of decent guys aren’t actually dating seriously at your age as they’re concentrating on career (as you are too) and will start getting serious in their early thirties when they’re more stable professionally!

Have you got any nice stuff planned for the summer now lockdown is almost over?

@SpringlikeBunk thank you for that. You're completely right ❤️

@onwardseverstridingonwards not sure if you have seen it but I have sent you a PM.
I can only echo what everyone else is saying in that you are far better than Me Bookworm. You will find someone who is perfect for you. Take care of yourself and focus on yourself. Have a few self care weeks or months and only start looking when you feel ready

Hi all, I've posted here in the past for advice and wondering if I could ask for some more? I've started to take online dating more seriously in the past 6 months and due to feeling pretty isolated for much of the last year realise I need to pull my finger out to meet someone. I've had more success than usual for me, in that I've actually been out on some dates, but I'm now feeling they might be fizzling out and so need to dip my toe back in. Would anyone give me an opinion on my hinge profile? I've had the most success there. For discretion, I am 36 and hoping to meet someone around that age or slightly younger (30+)

@SpringlikeBunk yes, I'm meeting up with a friend next week. Hopefully that'll take my mind off it. ❤️

[quote Dancerinthemoonlight]@onwardseverstridingonwards not sure if you have seen it but I have sent you a PM.
I can only echo what everyone else is saying in that you are far better than Me Bookworm. You will find someone who is perfect for you. Take care of yourself and focus on yourself. Have a few self care weeks or months and only start looking when you feel ready[/quote]
@Dancerinthemoonlight ❤️

[quote Caramelblonde]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I really hope you're ok.Been reading this thread for what seems like ages,and your updates.I think the way it was taking so long to actually meet was maybe key to this?Sometimes it's good to have a text buddy and someone to open up to,but it does make you vulnerable.I know you certainly didn't see this as such,as you were being honest and hoping for the same.Keep your dignity now and don't message,take care [/quote]
Thank you @Caramelblonde ❤️

I'm so sorry @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards this is not what we were hoping to hear. Ignore this if the last thing you need is well meaning advice as we all have days we can't hack that from anyone!!

I guess - from a disabled adult a little older than you - finding the right person to take on an already disabled adult is super hard.

This is not "in sickness and in health" because that's about all things being equal at the start and something "goes wrong" - for us it's about where there is ultimately inequality up front in terms of what someone can give, whether that be physically, financially, or mentally (there are, of course, others less able to give on these fronts, not just those with physical disabilities). Those willing to 'give' may not- as my XH didn't- have your best interests at heart. That's damaging in horrible ways. And so there are some, only a few, who can see through our limitations, but it is hard - and it's true that they are a minority. As a result I didn't date for over 3.5 years after my marriage ended and I was ready when my health was the best it had been and I was ghosted (- coincidence?? Hardly -) the day after I admitted how my physical disabilities made me feel, last June. Took me til April again to feel well 'enough'.

You may disagree with me or be angry with me as, God knows, I would have been in the past. If your condition doesn't fluctuate then I can see why you declare it up front but I think you need super high, tight boundaries. Activate your profile when and only when you're well enough to meet soon. And filter them out early on so they never have a chance to mess you around. And ignore me if I am no help - I feel for you a great deal and the last thing I'd want is to add to your upset xxx

And hi, everyone else, update from me is I had a great night out on Friday for food and coffee with Mr Sailor who I am seeing again on Tuesday. I've explained some of my above mentioned health issues to him and will bring the rest up soonish to protect myself as much as not to lead him on.

@PyjamasOClock

I'm so sorry *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* this is not what we were hoping to hear. Ignore this if the last thing you need is well meaning advice as we all have days we can't hack that from anyone!!

I guess - from a disabled adult a little older than you - finding the right person to take on an already disabled adult is super hard.

This is not "in sickness and in health" because that's about all things being equal at the start and something "goes wrong" - for us it's about where there is ultimately inequality up front in terms of what someone can give, whether that be physically, financially, or mentally (there are, of course, others less able to give on these fronts, not just those with physical disabilities). Those willing to 'give' may not- as my XH didn't- have your best interests at heart. That's damaging in horrible ways. And so there are some, only a few, who can see through our limitations, but it is hard - and it's true that they are a minority. As a result I didn't date for over 3.5 years after my marriage ended and I was ready when my health was the best it had been and I was ghosted (- coincidence?? Hardly -) the day after I admitted how my physical disabilities made me feel, last June. Took me til April again to feel well 'enough'.

You may disagree with me or be angry with me as, God knows, I would have been in the past. If your condition doesn't fluctuate then I can see why you declare it up front but I think you need super high, tight boundaries. Activate your profile when and only when you're well enough to meet soon. And filter them out early on so they never have a chance to mess you around. And ignore me if I am no help - I feel for you a great deal and the last thing I'd want is to add to your upset xxx

I'm not sure I understand this, @Pyjamas. Are you saying that no one will commit to me as I disabled person?

As I've said previously, all I want is what everybody else is entitled to. Love and understanding. I also want a family in the future, stupid as that may seem.

I've only ever really loved one person previously, and that was my ex. He let me down badly and I'm hurt.

I push men away now, keep them at arms length, because I know they'll find someone better. Like Mr. Bookworm has, like my ex probably will.

I hurt every day because I'm scared that I'll never find anyone. That I'll never have kids. Never achieve anything. That the words at my funeral would be 'nice girl, tried hard but never achieved anything.'

I know that's depressing, but that's every day for me. I'm sorry about your ex husband, but as I'm sure you'll appreciate that our circumstances are completely different.

Also @PyjamasOClock 'finding the right person to take on a already disabled adult is super hard.'

I'm not looking for someone to 'take me on' I'm not a animal or someone else's child. I'm a twenty eight year old adult with a disability!

Your post has just made me feel worse. I know you probably mean well, but you've just made me believe further that no one will want to be with me because it'll become 'super hard for them.

I don’t think what worm has done is anything todo with your disability @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards some people are just not nice. We’ve all been there unfortunately. I mean this in the nicest possible way, read the rules. Learn from it and do not get over invested in an online thing again. If you’re not meeting and really getting to know someone in RL don’t let them close enough to hurt or disappoint you

@oprahwindfuryy

I don’t think what worm has done is anything todo with your disability *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* some people are just not nice. We’ve all been there unfortunately. I mean this in the nicest possible way, read the rules. Learn from it and do not get over invested in an online thing again. If you’re not meeting and really getting to know someone in RL don’t let them close enough to hurt or disappoint you

@oprahwindfuryy I have read the rules, thank you, but I have a pretty hard time knowing my worth when being constantly let down.

It had everything to do with my disability. Like my ex, he just didn't want to settle down with a disabled person. That's fine. I hope he has a fabulous relationship with his new woman. I'm used to it.

And @oprahwindfuryy I suggest you read all
My posts before judging me.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards let it hurt for now because it will hurt but it will get better. After Computer Geek, I had a meltdown. I had gone shopping to the town where he lives, something I had done so many times before, many times before I even knew him. I was there getting bras and all I could think about was what would I say if I bumped into him(why he would be in a bra shop who knows!), I got so paranoid and worked up I had an anxiety attack and ended up leaving before I did anything I wanted, I cried in the car on the way home. I think that was my turning point. I had already come off the apps by then. For a while after going back on them my judgement was off (i.e. Mr Racing, why I kept chatting to someone who called me hard work and cold I don't know) but I'm currently liking Mr Cricket's pace, it makes a change from the pervy Mr Racing who thought asking if I had big boobs and sending me a dick pic was a chat up line and the intensity of Computer Geek.

You will get there. 😘❤

@oprahwindfuryy

Jesus I wasn’t judging you, i specifically said unfortunately we’ve all been there. I have read all your post. I don’t understand why you are being so defensive when ppl are trying to make you feel better? Maybe you’re a troll.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
5. Know your worth.

@oprahwindfuryy I can assure you that I'm an actual poster.

If you've read my posts on previous dating threads, then you'll understand why I am the way I am where men are concerned.

Thank you for copying out the rules for me, but as I say, I've read them already.

[quote Isitreallyme77]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards let it hurt for now because it will hurt but it will get better. After Computer Geek, I had a meltdown. I had gone shopping to the town where he lives, something I had done so many times before, many times before I even knew him. I was there getting bras and all I could think about was what would I say if I bumped into him(why he would be in a bra shop who knows!), I got so paranoid and worked up I had an anxiety attack and ended up leaving before I did anything I wanted, I cried in the car on the way home. I think that was my turning point. I had already come off the apps by then. For a while after going back on them my judgement was off (i.e. Mr Racing, why I kept chatting to someone who called me hard work and cold I don't know) but I'm currently liking Mr Cricket's pace, it makes a change from the pervy Mr Racing who thought asking if I had big boobs and sending me a dick pic was a chat up line and the intensity of Computer Geek.

You will get there. 😘❤[/quote]
Thank you @Isitreallyme. I appreciate that ❤️😘

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

It's a shame he turned out to be so duplicitous. He sounds manipulative to be honest.

I won't say "you'll find a man" because I am 53 and never did, and so sick of people telling me I will. But you are young and you do have time on your side here.

The worm's behavior is no reflection on you, only on him. It's good to take some time out after a let down I think.

[quote VanGoghsDog]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

It's a shame he turned out to be so duplicitous. He sounds manipulative to be honest.

I won't say "you'll find a man" because I am 53 and never did, and so sick of people telling me I will. But you are young and you do have time on your side here.

The worm's behavior is no reflection on you, only on him. It's good to take some time out after a let down I think.[/quote]
Thank you so much, @VanGogh. I don't know why he couldn't be honest at the beginning.

I am planning to take a break from the apps. Posting on here has helped massively and my head feels a lot clearer than it was earlier ❤️

Thank you for your kind comments

onwards I have never had anyone fall in love with me and like you I wonder if anyone ever will. Nobody has ever said those words to me. I stayed with someone who was ok for years because the clock was ticking and I wanted children. I have been hurt in every relationship I've ever had. My boundaries are now sky high and at any sign of a red flag you won't see me for dust. I think you have been treated supremely badly by the worm and my heart breaks for you. He was clearly bringing joy to your life and then he ripped it away. The only sign I can gather that you had was his reluctance to meet - lots of Covid excuses, if I remember correctly?

You did nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with you, maybe you'll meet someone lovely in life, maybe you won't. But you are clearly a lovely, loving, person who just wants what everybody else does - a loving partner, a family. It's all about compatibility. And luck and timing. I'm hoping and wishing for you that it all lines up for you and you find the person you are compatible with. You are definitely worth it.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

onwards I have never had anyone fall in love with me and like you I wonder if anyone ever will. Nobody has ever said those words to me. I stayed with someone who was ok for years because the clock was ticking and I wanted children. I have been hurt in every relationship I've ever had. My boundaries are now sky high and at any sign of a red flag you won't see me for dust. I think you have been treated supremely badly by the worm and my heart breaks for you. He was clearly bringing joy to your life and then he ripped it away. The only sign I can gather that you had was his reluctance to meet - lots of Covid excuses, if I remember correctly?

You did nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with you, maybe you'll meet someone lovely in life, maybe you won't. But you are clearly a lovely, loving, person who just wants what everybody else does - a loving partner, a family. It's all about compatibility. And luck and timing. I'm hoping and wishing for you that it all lines up for you and you find the person you are compatible with. You are definitely worth it.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me, @WeWantTheFinestWines. I'm sorry you had to go though that

Your post has hit the nail on the head for me. A partner and a family is all I've wanted in life.

Thank you so much for your lovely words, I really appreciate it ❤️

@WeWantTheFinestWines he lives with his mum and she apparently didn't want him going out because he didn't have all of his COVID jabs.

[quote OnwardsEverStridingOnwards]@WeWantTheFinestWines he lives with his mum and she apparently didn't want him going out because he didn't have all of his COVID jabs.[/quote]
This wasn't true though, that's the point. No healthy adult has not been going out at all until after their two jabs. Given he must be around thirty that means he can't have been out for over a year.

My point exactly.