Dating Thread 205 - dusting off the gladrags

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote SortingItOut]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I know its hard not to take it personally but you have to realise from reading this thread that everyone gets treated like this at some point, it is nothing to do with you as a person, some men are just like this.

Its so tough especially when you are looking for the one.

As for multi chatting/dating had you had the chat about not chatying to others or being off the apps?
Most people will be chatting to multiple people and until the discussion takes place about multi chatting/dating you have to assume that he has a few on the go.

Did he say why he decided to tell you today?
If the tables were turned you would only be letting the other person down if you saw it going somewhere with the other one.[/quote]
@SortingItOut thank you for your reply. We stupidly hadn't had the chat about talking to other people. I know he was probably doing it.

But it's just 'why now? Why tell me today?'

I think he fancies the other person as well as me, and that's why he's decided to tell me, otherwise if she was just someone on Bumble, he wouldn't be telling me.

This has happened to most I think.

When I first joined the thread I was a mess over someone I'd never met IRL.. I was completely love bombed by him though and bought his 'busy' excuses. I was very over invested.

Yes - it's also hard when you open up to a potential then they treat you badly as well....a double whammy. I agree with sorting don't expose yourself so quickly. Sometimes they encourage this though and want all the info...it's tricky.

Hope you are okay...x

@SortingItOut

And as an aside never disclose your past history and vulnerabilities to someone you've never met otherwise if it ends it makes you feel even more shit as they know you've been hurt before but still hurt you.

@SortingItOut I do see your point. I don't tell everybody as I find it too upsetting to talk about.

@SortingItOut I opened up to him because I thought I could trust him.

I think he must feel something for the other person, otherwise why mention it?

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I really hope you're ok.Been reading this thread for what seems like ages,and your updates.I think the way it was taking so long to actually meet was maybe key to this?Sometimes it's good to have a text buddy and someone to open up to,but it does make you vulnerable.I know you certainly didn't see this as such,as you were being honest and hoping for the same.Keep your dignity now and don't message,take care

I'm just sitting here just feeling empty. It's nothing really to do with Mr. Bookworm, though he's part of it.

It's just my life in general. It's a mess and I don't know if I'll ever be happy.

I haven't been able to work. I study, but struggle with assignments, because of my disability.

I still live with my family.

I have friends, but they've got they're own baggage to deal with,

I can't get a man who wants me.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I totally get why you told him and alot on here do that at the start.

On what grounds did you trust him?
Because you messaged and had video chats occasionally?
You didnt really know him,just what he told you.
If you went to your corner shop everyday for a paper and had a chat with the shop keeper you wouldn't divulge your life history at any point because they are still a stranger whether you speak to them daily or not.

Ultimately everyone on OLD is a stranger and remains so for months and months, we don't truly know someone for along time.
Its so hard when you are looking for the one to open up in chats because you think they feel the same way.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I'm sorry to hear that. I felt like that when Computer Geek told me he needed to sort himself out. It crushed me as I had told him how I was stood up and ghosted and in the end he did the same. Time is a great healer, I took a break after Computer Geek and it was the best thing I did. I then came on to this thread and now have the courage to ditch ones that make me uncomfortable(Mr Racing and Mr Transfer are examples). Someone will come along who is perfect for you. Xxx

@bangheadhere40 I like how Mr Cricket is taking his time, I like the fact the messages aren't constant. I need to reply to his message from earlier but he is out for a picnic with friends so I thought I would leave it until later. It's a different pace but maybe less intense will be more successful (now can he pick up on my hint for date 2 please 🤣)

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Have you ever had counselling about your disability and the impact it has on your life?

I know you don't think you've achieved much but you have.

Its fine to wallow over Mr Bookworm today because its been a shock but in a few days please try to see the positives in your life, don't let Mr Bookworm affect your self confidence even more.

Oh, he's finally text me:

I asked him if he fancied the other person.

He replied:

' you don't want to know the details. It will upset you (that's a yes, then) I am sorry. We are over. You will find someone. You're very special and beautiful.'

His compliments mean nothing now.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Dont ask any more questions of him as you are just torturing yourself.

He's been talking to others and for whatever reason he has chosen someone else.
It happens all the time with OLD and is nothing to do with you as a person.

The one positive is that he has told you quite early on, he could have kept you dangling for months.

Sorry to hear that @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Just prioritise your mental health for now - seriously looking back to my 20’s I frequently felt like “every chance was the last chance” and I was on a deadline to get a man

but you have SO much time to meet new people and do new things.

I wish I’d done more stuff for “just me” rather than getting bogged down in intense relationships at that age tbh!

Loads of decent guys aren’t actually dating seriously at your age as they’re concentrating on career (as you are too) and will start getting serious in their early thirties when they’re more stable professionally!

Have you got any nice stuff planned for the summer now lockdown is almost over?

[quote Isitreallyme77]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I'm sorry to hear that. I felt like that when Computer Geek told me he needed to sort himself out. It crushed me as I had told him how I was stood up and ghosted and in the end he did the same. Time is a great healer, I took a break after Computer Geek and it was the best thing I did. I then came on to this thread and now have the courage to ditch ones that make me uncomfortable(Mr Racing and Mr Transfer are examples). Someone will come along who is perfect for you. Xxx

@bangheadhere40 I like how Mr Cricket is taking his time, I like the fact the messages aren't constant. I need to reply to his message from earlier but he is out for a picnic with friends so I thought I would leave it until later. It's a different pace but maybe less intense will be more successful (now can he pick up on my hint for date 2 please 🤣)[/quote]
Thank you @Isitreallyme77

I used to trust everyone...I guess because I don't like pissing people around. It's only recently I've become cautious and I'm nearly 40!!!

Crazy how these guys can mess you up...I took a break after my disaster too, I would advise maybe doing that for a month or so, you will get stronger.

I assumed everyone had the same intentions as me as I would get nothing out of getting attention for the sake of it from someone I wasn't into.

Some of these men must be extremely pathetic I now think, and insecure...they just thrive on the validation and ego boost from it all.

I am so sorry @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards - you are such a lovely person and deserve better. There will be someone out there for you , definitely xx

[quote SortingItOut]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Dont ask any more questions of him as you are just torturing yourself.

He's been talking to others and for whatever reason he has chosen someone else.
It happens all the time with OLD and is nothing to do with you as a person.

The one positive is that he has told you quite early on, he could have kept you dangling for months.[/quote]
Thank you @SortingItOut.

I think what hurts is that he was always saying that it would be lovely to be in a relationship let's go for coffee etc. And now suddenly this has come out of the blue.

I mean, only the other day he was saying 'let's get a a date in the diary to go for coffee.' And all
the time he had feelings for someone else.

Sorry to hear your update @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards but the others are right and its probably happened to all of us at some point and probably done it ourselves if multi chatting so please don't take it personally - its just part and parcel of old. Dust yourself off, concentrate on you for a while and then put it behind you 🤗

[quote SortingItOut]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I totally get why you told him and alot on here do that at the start.

On what grounds did you trust him?
Because you messaged and had video chats occasionally?
You didnt really know him,just what he told you.
If you went to your corner shop everyday for a paper and had a chat with the shop keeper you wouldn't divulge your life history at any point because they are still a stranger whether you speak to them daily or not.

Ultimately everyone on OLD is a stranger and remains so for months and months, we don't truly know someone for along time.
Its so hard when you are looking for the one to open up in chats because you think they feel the same way.[/quote]
That's how I felt.

I wasn't in love with him at all, but I fancied him. We had so much in common (favourite comedians, band etc) and there was just something comfortable about him.

I’m like the X-Files - I trust no-one till I’ve known them in person a solid period of time! Couple good dates means nothing.

Especially with dating apps, there isn’t much social accountability (it’s not like there’s a mutual friendship group and someone gets a bad reputation?) so people often can lead others on with chat etc

It’s not morally sound but it is the way things are in 2021.

[quote SortingItOut]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Have you ever had counselling about your disability and the impact it has on your life?

I know you don't think you've achieved much but you have.

Its fine to wallow over Mr Bookworm today because its been a shock but in a few days please try to see the positives in your life, don't let Mr Bookworm affect your self confidence even more.[/quote]
@SortingItOut no, I haven't had any counselling. I've sort of accepted it now, but it does drag me down, especially when I think of the life I could have had if I wasn't disabled.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression five years ago after first leaving education, and put on antidepressants. (Peroxatine)

Maybe I need to go back to the doctors?

I think Bangheadhere40 is spot on, I used to trust everyone and thought everyone would be as honest as me. OLD has been a complete eye opener for me.

@GaraMedouar

I am so sorry *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* - you are such a lovely person and deserve better. There will be someone out there for you , definitely xx

@GaraMedouar thank you ❤️

@Slothmomma

Sorry to hear your update *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* but the others are right and its probably happened to all of us at some point and probably done it ourselves if multi chatting so please don't take it personally - its just part and parcel of old. Dust yourself off, concentrate on you for a while and then put it behind you 🤗

@Slothmomma thank you ❤️