Dating Thread 205 - dusting off the gladrags

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Eesha yes they are definitely over. 100%. Whether he's over the loss of his " family " though is another thing.
He told me once that he feels a profound sadness that he doesn't feel will ever go away as his life isn't how he imagined it to be.
He says he's glad he met me, he loves me etc but meh....who knows.
Like @SortingItOut a year of our relationship has been in lockdown so it will be interesting to see how things turn out.

Can I ask a question? Am I being needy here? Please tell me.
We usually text good morning, every day without fail. He often does it first and we have a quick chat
When he has his kids or parent staying over like this weekend he doesn't message or text me very often. So for example today he hasn't yet. That really bothers me. It makes me feel yet again like second best and only really good enough for distraction when his children aren't around.
Or, is it just that he has his dc and parent and is entertaining them.

Honestly, I was married 20+ years and don't ever remember feeling this level of angst !!

@Clovertoast personally even when I've got the kids I manage a check in message as it takes all of a few minutes of my time so I'd be disappointed if someone couldn't spare that just to show thinking of me

@Clovertoast I really struggle on my phone a lot of the time during waking hours with my DC as they're like little phone nazis plus I get given orders and run around frantically so I find it so nice to have someone who I don't feel pressured to text etc. I also prefer irons don't text me so much when they have their kids because that's their time and I also don't want to come between them or pressure them. Didn't really work out with MrM though 🤦‍♀️

@Dan88Bourne I'm happy to look at screenshots too as don't have hinge. I'm a few years older than you.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards sorry to hear what happened

So, I felt pretty bad about having two first dates so won't be doing that again. And to complicate things I had a great time with Mr Blue Eyes. I was upfront about having had another date though and he was understanding. I'm seeing Mr finance later and either he's cooled a bit with messages or my guilt is making me see it that way I'm not sure I'm cut out for OLD!

@Clovertoast no you are not being needy. Not at all. This in conjunction with everything else would make me angsty. And I honestly think he ( and men in general ) know this and cannot be bothered.

My iron knew I was going to get my jab and was anxious about the AZ option etc. He had in fact suffered a bad reaction to it. He said nothing. It actually went seamlessly BUT I wanted him to ask. Didn’t say anything because yeah don’t want to be ‘ needy’ and then my gardener came back next day ( couldn’t finish because his son had rang him about some emergency. He noticed I wasn’t down in the 2 hours he’s normally there so he texted to be sure I was ok knowing the previous day as he was rushing off I was headed to get the jab. If a stranger can take that care how much more someone I’m sleeping with ? We ( I!!) need to vocalise my ‘ needs ‘ more and if those basics come a roses as needy then I’ll keep looking till I don’t someone who doesn’t see it as that. Life’s too short to settle ...

[quote Misty9]@Dan88Bourne I'm happy to look at screenshots too as don't have hinge. I'm a few years older than you.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards sorry to hear what happened

So, I felt pretty bad about having two first dates so won't be doing that again. And to complicate things I had a great time with Mr Blue Eyes. I was upfront about having had another date though and he was understanding. I'm seeing Mr finance later and either he's cooled a bit with messages or my guilt is making me see it that way I'm not sure I'm cut out for OLD![/quote]
Thank you @Misty9 ❤️

Yes I do tend to agree. I think ( and all of you will already know this) I have made myself far, far too accessible and available. I've literally rolled over and never really voiced my issues or concerns. Even he has noticed!! He said last week he worries that i don't say what's on my mind incase I rock the boat!.
He knows our daily check in is a thing. He always makes time for it. But why bother when he knows I'll just say nothing anyway....
He's upset about some family stuff at thr moment and gets very down, depressed and sad about things so I suspect that's on his mind. Why not text me though?
Honestly, I've spent more or less this whole 18 months we've been together worrying and stressing. No wonder I've lost nearly 4 stone

@Clovertoast personally i wouldn't be fussed about texting if they are with family as they are important plus he's been with you for so long and probably doesn't think it matters.

Well, I'm feeling much better today. Couldn't sleep much last night, surprisingly. So I reconsidered my options and decided to re activate my bumble profile. I figured I have nothing to lose after all.

Just having a few chats at the moment. I know it will take time but it's a start. ❤️

Glad you're feeling better today @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards and good luck with your new search ❤️

@frankiefirstyear

Glad you're feeling better today *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* and good luck with your new search ❤️

Thanks @frankie ❤️

So, MrWG is suddenly all trying to find time to see me. He said he had hoped to see me yesterday (I am away for the BH at my mum's), so I said he needs to plan and joked that we could have a joint Google calendar.
Then he said could I do Fri evening, Saturday evening or Sunday afternoon/evening? This is more available than he's ever been - and he'd already told me he was seeing family Sunday, so I feel like he's starting to see that we need to communicate.

Not confirmed yet
Then he said next week he's working locally but dog sitting for neighbours, so I said I'm happy to have the dog at mine (I've met the dog and the neighbours) so he said "it would mean I could be at yours a bit more that week".
And also in two weeks time that he's working up near me, so I said he could stay then.

Interesting that he's suddenly driving things a bit. I guess he's worked out that I'm not sitting around waiting for him.

I also have second date with MrTall (not given him a name yet so there it is) on Friday. He does just the right amount of texting, a couple most days, no inane "good morning" text, but shows enough interest. But the young child is a negative for me.

MrDecorator has finished this round of decorating (I've not seen it yet as he finished up after I came away) but still texts every day. Not had anything resembling a date with him since I went to watch a film and drink a glass of water at his house weeks ago. Not that I want to, I can't stomach his politics.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards really hope you are feeling better today. It's horrible hearing what you did from him. Although I can't help but be a bit amazed that he was able to have this type of conversation... most would just ghost or go quiet. I don't at all want to sound like I am defending him because that isn't at all the case he's an idiot and totally not worth your time. I'm more just in awe that there are men that tell women whats going on. This was never the case for me, they just faded/ghosted eventually leaving me wondering what the heck happened. I think OLD really has the power to rule emotions and days either in a super positive or super negative way.

@Clovertoast I met such a nice man that would without fail txt me every morning for months, he'd ask what time i needed him as my alarm...i got so used to these txts so when they faded i got so upset. I don't think my situation is in anyway the same as yours as you seem far more solid than we were. I can just relate to how it feels when you get so used to those txts that pick you up and make you smile and when they don't you immediately go to 'worst case' scenario. I'd ask why he hadn't txt and get some silly excuse about work, or he was tired or he'd left his phone somewhere and in the beginning i did believe him but it literally takes a second to send a kiss or type a few nice words these days. And if someone truly cares about how you are then they'll make the time to find out at least in the beginning. Anyway turns out in my case the text fading was him pulling back and just not wanting to end the 'relationship' we were in. Took me ages to get over it really. I promised myself going forward i am not going to be a slave to messages and to my phone again, its so emotionally draining. I am the last to text anyone and have the 'blue ticks' disabled so no can tell if i even received the message or not.

@Clovertoast as a lurker I've followed your ups and downs with mr p (that sounds a bit stalky, I hope not taken as such). It sounds as if your feelings are starting to change, perhaps you should give yourself a timeline post lockdown and resolve that in that time to be more assertive for your needs and see if he steps up, even if little steps, to meet you in the middle.

Does anyone over 50 use hinge? I'm not sure if it's for the younger ones or not.

What's the most amount of dates you'd go on with someone that you just didn't find super attractive but you got on really well and completely enjoyed each others company? Perhaps I posted about this on here already or maybe another thread that i just couldn't catch feelings or find chemistry with a really wonderful man. And think i wasted quite a bit of time on trying to convince myself these things would come in time as we got to know each other over a fair few months but feelings never did change. Anyone had similar experiences?

I’ve got hinge (I’m mid fifties) but not many guys on it. And now I’ve seen them all there are no new ones. Tinder and Bumble have many more new people all the time.

@GaraMedouar thank you.

@Naimee87 I think after 3 meets I'd want to be told if someone only saw it as friends. Any longer perhaps a bit unfair if one side is getting feelings. It doesn't mean you couldn't still continue to meet up of course and things could change over time but I wouldn't want someone pretending there was more than I thought there was, I've had that and it hurt a bit and made me feel a bit of a fool for thinking there was a possible connection when they didn't.

Like I thought there was that should say.

@Naimee87, I think unfortunately if that spark of sexual attraction isn’t there after several dates it doesn’t usually suddenly appear. I’m not saying it can’t happen but usually in the context of OLD we make fairly snap decisions about fancy/don’t fancy. Did you ever try to take it to a more intimate level?

Still think I've lost the ability to string a sentence together there but I'm sure you'll get the gist!

[quote Naimee87]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards really hope you are feeling better today. It's horrible hearing what you did from him. Although I can't help but be a bit amazed that he was able to have this type of conversation... most would just ghost or go quiet. I don't at all want to sound like I am defending him because that isn't at all the case he's an idiot and totally not worth your time. I'm more just in awe that there are men that tell women whats going on. This was never the case for me, they just faded/ghosted eventually leaving me wondering what the heck happened. I think OLD really has the power to rule emotions and days either in a super positive or super negative way.

@Clovertoast I met such a nice man that would without fail txt me every morning for months, he'd ask what time i needed him as my alarm...i got so used to these txts so when they faded i got so upset. I don't think my situation is in anyway the same as yours as you seem far more solid than we were. I can just relate to how it feels when you get so used to those txts that pick you up and make you smile and when they don't you immediately go to 'worst case' scenario. I'd ask why he hadn't txt and get some silly excuse about work, or he was tired or he'd left his phone somewhere and in the beginning i did believe him but it literally takes a second to send a kiss or type a few nice words these days. And if someone truly cares about how you are then they'll make the time to find out at least in the beginning. Anyway turns out in my case the text fading was him pulling back and just not wanting to end the 'relationship' we were in. Took me ages to get over it really. I promised myself going forward i am not going to be a slave to messages and to my phone again, its so emotionally draining. I am the last to text anyone and have the 'blue ticks' disabled so no can tell if i even received the message or not.[/quote]
@Naimee87 thank you for your message. 🙂

I think he made a big show of telling me to ease his guilty conscience a bit, to be honest.

The Worm Is one of those people who thinks he can be all reasonable, all calm and talkative, and doesn't see that what he's doing will cause hurt. He's a lot like my ex in that respect.

He's also one who thinks that if he hurts people, he can just try and placate them with a complement, after he's finished sticking the knife in.

I think doing it during a video call was nasty as well because I felt backed into a corner and couldn't think. He knew that I didn't like being backed into a corner because of my anxiety. If he had messaged me for example, at least I would've had a bit more time to process and gather my thoughts and think how to respond.

What makes me laugh is he has MH problems as well, and he knew that something like this, when I was just starting to feel better, could push me back and make me feel not good enough again, and he still did it, which I find unforgivable.

Wonder what's changed with MrWG @VanGoghsDog ?!

@Naimee87 I'd go on a couple of dates before saying I'd friend zoned him so as not to waste his time, maybe 3 dates if they were short/walk in the rain etc

@Naimee87 i guess it depends if you really don't fancy him in the least or if it's a maybe? I often think of my ex where i was completely smitten and attracted from day 1 but it ended regardless so i try now and give people a good chance if it's early days.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards good on you for being strong today and already dusting yourself off. It’s admirable!!

I’m still chatting with Mr Gwen and we’re meeting up for a morning coffee on Thursday. I’ve unmatched him twice before, over the last year 🙈 but he is still pleased to hear from me and said he's looking forward to our date. I’ve unmatched him previously thinking he’s come across as sleazy but I think I over reacted at the time and just need to take him with a pinch of salt. I’m actually really looking forward to this date, I really like the look of him. But then I thought Mr India looked nice and he turned out to be a complete wanker!! If that date taught me anything though it’s that you should meet someone in person and not look too much into their messaging style!! (What you’ve all been saying for months!!) I am going to just get out there a lot more now!! Be an outgoing Shay!! 💃🏽