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Original poster

SO freaking out about my child

274 replies

Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 04:03

Hi everyone today marks 7 months me and SO have been together. We are very happy together have a great romantic life and spend a good amount of time together talking and having fun. We are in a commited relationship so I thought it would be a good time to bring up the subject of my 5 year old son and maybe it was time i brought the two things I love together.

So SO has known from day one I am an only mother and there is no other man on the scene (so no drama) I make my own money and have my own place so I stressed the point that this is nothing more than them meeting so maybe we could progress our relationship.

I asked him over breakfast and his initial reaction was "I don't think it is a good idea, why is this so important to you" and honestly that reaction broke my heart. We went back to his place and had a small argument about it, him not wanting to meet my kid and saying things like "Why rock the boat when we are happy" "What if he gets attached to me and something happens?" stuff like that so it got pretty heated and I left saying, we both need a couple of days to calm down and think, he agreed and stressed as I was leaving WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP.

My question is i guess is what if I go to his place next week like i usually would and he decideds he STILL doesnt want to meet my kid?
Thats realationship over right? how do I go on from there and why does he think we can be together without my child.

I don't want to break up with him, but if he can't accept my baby Then i have no choice right?

Am i being unreasonable?
Thank you

OP posts:
baileys6904 · 29/05/2021 16:46

I think it's important to note that there are 2 issues at play here. One, he doesn't feel it's a good tiek to meet your child, two the mindfulness thing
A few months is nothing amd to be fair, he actually made the right decision about not meeting your child. He could have gone along with it, met the DC and you would still have the rest of the issues to deal with, which you are splitting for. This is why so many people suggest waiting before introduction.
The mindfulness thing is a different kettle of fish and he seems to have taken a completely different interpretation. There are plenty of people that can run families and still practise mindfulness.
In the long run he's done you a favour, but take it as a lesson re introductions

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 16:49

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.

There’s no point being with him if you want to plan a future with him and he doesn’t seem bothered. So for that and some other things you mention, I’d just get rid.

But in terms of meeting your child, I don’t think 7 months is that long. I think it’s best to keep children out of relationships in the early days, and 7 months isn’t long at all, especially with covid and all the restriction there’s been. There’s lots that you’d do together as a new couple, going out places etc that won’t have been possible in the last 7 months so you won’t know someone that well in that time.

Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 16:49

@rainbowmash I had no idea he was so anti child because he always asks how my kid is when we are together. But I just wanted us to hang out together so semi-selfish reasons. I'm sick of running from one side of town to the other, so if SO would just come with me to pick him up and take him for ice cream then we could continue our day rather than me always saying "Sorry gotta go, promised the kid I'd grab him from school and take him for ice cream be back in like 3 hrs" When really i feel like my kid should have the option of coming with us to the park ect ..
It sounds petty but I would love to introduce them not so he can be a step parent but just to be with me while im with my kid... Like my other friends do

OP posts:
RedRec · 29/05/2021 16:50

I can see this mindful art practising tit being played brilliantly by Reece Shearsmith. Or Paul Kaye.

Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 16:52

@KaleSlayer I live in mexico and there have been no restrictions here. We actually met on the way home from a party on NYE and have seen eachother like 3 times a week since then and more recently. But with that, I have been spending less time around my kid whos always saying "Can I come to your friend house too?" and usually he'd be allowed to come to my friends place, I have lots of guy friends who LOVE my kid being around, they play soccor with him and wrestle... So i just wanted the FRIEND dynamic between the two of them like my other friends. But obviously yes, it would mean more to me because he is my partner, but the kid doesn't need to know that.

OP posts:
Peace43 · 29/05/2021 16:53

I think it sounds normal to start him meeting your kid as a friend. I’m dating a confirmed commitment-phone, we both agreed no cohabitation and no marriage. He met my DD after about 8 months as a friend so that I no longer had to completely separate the two. Sometimes now he’ll come eat with us of an evening. He helped DD get me a Xmas gift (ex would never do that). He is definitely not her step-dad but he isn’t a secret.

Your OH sounds like he just doesn’t fit in with a 5year old. I’d also be Confused at the meditation crap!

Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 16:53

@RedRec lmao

OP posts:
Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 16:56

@Peace43 Thats all I wanted for my SO to be like my other male friends. My guy friends have stepped up and help me with christmas and birthdays and if my boy is extra hyped they will take him to play soccor or to go watch the racing cars. I don't want him to come play happy family, just be there as another friend as far as my kid sees it.

My child is highly intelligent for his age and everyone knows it, he loves to hang with my friends over kids his age and he loves to talk to people, he is alot of fun and people do tend to love him.

Just upset SO won't give my boy a chance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 16:58

@Geanna2 Thank you. When we got together I thought it was so cool he looked after himself and was into improving himself, but to be fair its coming off a little toxic and self absorbed lately.

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 16:59

I think your child would probably realise this man is different from other friends though. I just think 7 months is a new relationship and best kept separate. But either way, I don’t think it sounds like you’re very suited. You’re a mum and therefore want a bit more of a plan, I don’t blame you, he probably isn’t the man for you!

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 29/05/2021 16:59

‘He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.’

What a fucking load of bollocks.

If all you wanted was a fun guy to spend your free time with and nothing else it wouldn’t be a problem.

But you want more, he doesn’t, and comes out with dishonest bulshittery such as the above. What a pile of wank

Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 17:01

@KaleSlayer Yeah i guess I just wanted all the people I love together. I mean he has told his family all about me and post pictures of us so everyone knows we are together. But he doesn't seem to be sure if he will ever want to make the jump to be in Kids life.

I as a mother need a man who will one day, be involved ... Like how are we supposed to be together, we can never move in together or anything.. My boy is my world and it's just a shame because i thought this guy was the one

OP posts:
KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 17:14

Well, only you know if he’s worth waiting for. Personally, I think it’s understandable that at 7 months he doesn’t feel it’s right to meet your child, what if you split and your son is attached, like he says. I actually think that could be a sign of a very thoughtful man who is treating a relationship seriously. It’s right to take things very slowly with kids I think. BUT if you get the feeling he’s got no intention of ever committing to you further, that’s very different.
Honestly, if you really think he could be the one and he’s being cautious rather than knowing he’s never going to commit, I’d maybe give it a bit more time and see how it goes, if you’re otherwise happy with him.

SunshineCake · 29/05/2021 17:16

If you felt he was making you leave your stuff so you'd have to go back why did you let him dictate? Even if you weren't breaking up it is a silly thing to do.

Calmdown14 · 29/05/2021 17:55

In the classic Mumsnet phrase, 'he has told you who he is, believe him'.
You are at different stages of life. He's too selfish and self absorbed to put the needs of others first.
That's not fair to you or your son.
Put your efforts into someone you can build proper future with.

MsDogLady · 29/05/2021 18:53

He made me leave my handbag and best shoes at his place...

This is troubling. You have agency and don’t have to settle for such a controller.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/05/2021 18:54

@SunshineCake

If you felt he was making you leave your stuff so you'd have to go back why did you let him dictate? Even if you weren't breaking up it is a silly thing to do.
This. Can you explain more about how he 'made' you leave things at his OP? That doesn't sound like something a nice person would do...
Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 18:58

@youvegottenminuteslynn Okay so we had our disagreement. He said he needed time, I said okay ill leave and i grabbed my usual things but i also grabbed my overnight bag i leave at his place that contains my "going out shoes" ect. I got to the door and he said "Sweetheart you don't want to be carrying all that around town, come on now give me some and you can grab it next time if you need it back at your place" So i gave him the bag not even thinking and he took it back inside, gave me a kiss and i left

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 29/05/2021 19:02

So basically he put himself first and his needs? This is not a good basis for any relationship- let along one with a child potentially involved. I would be running away, very very fast.

Lampan · 29/05/2021 19:03

I can understand not wanting to get involved with someone’s kids. But if that was the case why date someone for several months? He’s been wasting your time.
He sounds like a tool anyway.

Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 19:17

@Lampan Exsactly he knew from the moment we met i had a child, so why be with me for 7 months if he never had any intention of being together with my child. I made it clear from the begining i wasn't into flings and i was looking for a stable relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 19:18

Update... He is calling me in about 30 minutes after he has had lunch. Stay tuned for the incoming drama no doubt

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 29/05/2021 19:30

Are you not in the UK? It is 7.20pm here.

cocoloco987 · 29/05/2021 19:31

Oh he's deigned you important enough to break the 3 day silence. Be careful what you agree to OP x

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 19:36

Are you not in the UK? It is 7.20pm here.

She’s in Mexico.