SO freaking out about my child

[Redcupcake]

Hi everyone today marks 7 months me and SO have been together. We are very happy together have a great romantic life and spend a good amount of time together talking and having fun. We are in a commited relationship so I thought it would be a good time to bring up the subject of my 5 year old son and maybe it was time i brought the two things I love together.

So SO has known from day one I am an only mother and there is no other man on the scene (so no drama) I make my own money and have my own place so I stressed the point that this is nothing more than them meeting so maybe we could progress our relationship.

I asked him over breakfast and his initial reaction was "I don't think it is a good idea, why is this so important to you" and honestly that reaction broke my heart. We went back to his place and had a small argument about it, him not wanting to meet my kid and saying things like "Why rock the boat when we are happy" "What if he gets attached to me and something happens?" stuff like that so it got pretty heated and I left saying, we both need a couple of days to calm down and think, he agreed and stressed as I was leaving WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP.

My question is i guess is what if I go to his place next week like i usually would and he decideds he STILL doesnt want to meet my kid?
Thats realationship over right? how do I go on from there and why does he think we can be together without my child.

I don't want to break up with him, but if he can't accept my baby Then i have no choice right?

Am i being unreasonable?
Thank you

He sounds like one of Marian Keyes' feathery strokers. Your child is your most precious thing in the world and this guy doesn't want to meet him. It's his loss. Don't let him end it though, get rid of him first.

Deeply annoying when a man places himself in the calm/logic/reasoned/enlightened role any time you disagree on anything and casts the woman in the emotion led/hysterical/intellectually inferior/base role.

Exactly. This man has no empathy and will never try to see your point of view on anything.

You can do meditation for a whole day and have a child
You can do mindful living and have a child, plan for the future.

I’ve done both and it’s something I started AFTER I had the dcs.

He is using mindfulness as an excuse (and isn’t actually practicing it btw!). Unfortunately I’ve met a few (usually men) like this...

when ever we disagree on something he needs like 3 days no contact to "Think about it" but from what I have heard from our mutual friends and his roommate Who thinks he is strange. He does just lock himself away and focus on meditating ect*

How on earth could you ever live with this man, run a household together, operate as a family and a partnership? He'd be locking himself away six days out of seven. And bills? Sorting out the insurance? No...let's live in the moment.

Does he actually have a job?

He shouldn't have to be "making an effort" 7 months in, it should come naturally. Inclined to think the meditation and self help stuff indicates that he's a bit self obessed. Coupled with the fact that he cant see it from your point of view isn't great either.

You definitely can do better - save yourself the grief.

I do think he sounds like a strange one and in the kindest possible way, it doesn’t seem he likes you enough to see a future with you.

All that ‘here and now’ carry on is probably part of who he is, but also conveniently gets him off the hook when asked direct questions etc as he can just say ‘I live in the present’ 🙄

However, on a positive note, it’s a good thing he hasn’t met you LO yet as clearly it’s not going to go any further. So he’s actually dove you favour to some degree as so many women bring so many different men in their child’s life and it’s not good.

[quote Redcupcake]@AllyBama and just a disclaimer I do put my boy first and always will. this is my first BF since my divorce and I really wanted it to work. Maybe I should not if made this post, I guess I am just sad I can't have him because he doesn't want the full packagae. I will obviously break it off with him, but im still really upset. Does that make sense?[/quote]
Yes it does make sense and I completely understand. You wanted it to work out but it hasn’t and the only ‘decision’ that needs to be made here is by you to end the relationship, not whether he wants to meet your boy. You sound like a wonderful mum and I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out but the sooner you move on from him, the sooner you meet the person you’re supposed to be with, who’ll love your boy as much as you.

@Redcupcake

I told him it was quite minipulative behaviour and he told me I was dramatic and not in charge of my feelings and I am CHOOSING to be upset ect

So basically he's saying its all your fault. I knkw it will be hard, but I'd dump.

Dump this man, love your own self for a change and raise your relationship bar higher going forward. Consider also what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and start unlearning the crap. Try not to continue to see the world through heart shaped glasses as that does you really no favours.

I really really want you to say (when you dump him) 'I choose to raise my bar higher'.

He lives for the moment and doesn't think about the future - yet requires 3 days 'meditation' to consider the future whenever you have a disagreement. This is not a mindful man. This is a man waving a huge big emotional abuser red flag at you!

Practicing the mindful art, meditation days, people 'choosing' their emotions etc. - tedious, self absorbed bollocks. Try to actually imagine living with someone like this on a long term basis - it would drive you crazy.

He is utterly selfish, thinks the world revolves around him and if anyone differs from him it is their problem, a flaw in them and nothing to do with him or his behaviour. That kind of selfishness is fine if you want to remain single for ever, but it is not fine when there is a child involved.

This man will never understand that your child is the most important person in your life, because he thinks he is the centre of the universe. He doesn't get to dick around with mindfulness shite when your little boy is involved. It is your choice who you introduce to your child, not Mr Woo's.

Seriously I am all for giving a second chance but bin this fucker off, he is a waste of space.

What a navel gazing weirdo.

Can you imagine him saying to his boss he needs 3 days to meditate when he was asked to do something he didn't want to do!

That is if he has a job.

Forget about his decision and waiting until Monday. He probably wants to get in a spiritual shag before you go.

Just go over his place and get your things and before leaving, say some gibberish to him and say it's a spell cast on his dick. Bring some salt and throw it around for added effect.

saying things like "Why rock the boat when we are happy"

In other words he likes things just as they are, and he's not prepared to compromise in any way.

Why wait a few days so he can come to you and tell you what he wants lets you know what he's decided? Why does he get to choose? Get in first and tell him it's over.

@Redcupcake
In what way are you in a "committed" relationship as you described it in your original post? You're not married to him with the legal commitments which that brings and either of you currently can stop dating each other at any point for any reason. There's no commitment there at all.

Also, please don't involve your child (getting them to meet him) in a dating relationship of a mere 7 months. It's not fair on them. They've already have to deal with the absence of their biological dad and they should not be having men come into and out of their lives or it will screw them up emotionally.

I dont think 7 months in is too soon to meet a child. Its too soon to move them in or get serious but i think how a person gets on with the child is a massive decider in whether the relationship is worth taking to the next stage.
My mum had a few boyfriends before meeting my stepdad and my dad also had girlfriends who i sometimes met. These were nice people and it was never weird. Didnt feel much different to meeting any of her other friends

@Aquamarine1029 you made me laugh so much. Your answer was so descriptive and perfect.

You sound a lovely mother and a brilliant woman having your own place and making your own money. It is also very good you have kept your DS away from him for these 7 months.

Normally, I would have thought you should have waited longer, maybe a year before introducing him to your son. This is because you need time for the ‘honey-moon period’ to wear off and have time to be more sure of the relationship before bringing your son into it. There would be more pressure following from any meeting to be really committed or risk your son’s well being. In a way at least he showed he realised that when he said, ‘What if we break up’.

Now you have brought it up though, it is very worrying indeed that he has not been willing to discuss it more deeply and seriously with you other than to put you off and saying you are ‘being dramatic’ (RED FLAG - he is trying to make you doubt yourself) and ‘live for the moment’ (RED FLAG - he wants to do what he wants, moment by moment).

That is a real warning to you. He has revealed himself. I think you should end it now and not look back.

You and DS have far too much to lose. Good luck💐

In fact why the fuck would you wait for his decision. Have some self respect. Text him and ask him for a time when you can collect your belongings. The longer you leave it the more you’re being manipulated. I say this with love, I’ve been there

I asked my DP for a male perspective on this as he is step dad to my 2 sons and we obviously had to have the ‘do you want to meet my DS’ conversation. His words: “he’s wasting her time, wants the best bits of the relationship without the responsibility.” He was NOT impressed and thought the mindfulness days...well let’s just say he is sceptical.

Your SO needs to get real and admit that he can’t cope being in a relationship for 7 days a week, that’s no good for a child and it’s not fair on you. Find someone who deserves you and your little boy as a package, this man isn’t ready.

He sounds like a charmer! I wouldn't be interested in pursuing a relationship with someone with no intention of meeting my kids.

You can live in the moment if you have no other commitments. I think he would be better off single.

“Aalvarino

Sorry, Mr Sensitive: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/littlebirdflies.wordpress.com/2016/11/06/mr-sensitive/amp/“

This is spot on OP. I don’t know if you have had a chance to read it? This sort of abuser is very difficult to recognise so please read it if you haven’t.

He sounds very selfish and childish to me.

I can appreciate the whole 'lets not discuss this while upset' part of his 'thinking', but the whole 'I need several days to myself to think about how I feel' (regardless of what you need)

I just see a very self focused, selfish and egotistical 'person' tbh

It's good that you've not introduced your son to him. It would be really damaging for your son to live with/be a family with someone who would disappear for 3 days at a time at the drop of a hat. I'd be worried that your son would start withdrawing from you or future partners when he had stuff to think about too.

You can't live in the moment with a child! You need to plan ahead eg apply for school before a deadline, book a party venue before their birthday. Children may think in the moment but unless your bf is a teen he's far too old for that all of the time.