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Original poster

SO freaking out about my child

274 replies

Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 04:03

Hi everyone today marks 7 months me and SO have been together. We are very happy together have a great romantic life and spend a good amount of time together talking and having fun. We are in a commited relationship so I thought it would be a good time to bring up the subject of my 5 year old son and maybe it was time i brought the two things I love together.

So SO has known from day one I am an only mother and there is no other man on the scene (so no drama) I make my own money and have my own place so I stressed the point that this is nothing more than them meeting so maybe we could progress our relationship.

I asked him over breakfast and his initial reaction was "I don't think it is a good idea, why is this so important to you" and honestly that reaction broke my heart. We went back to his place and had a small argument about it, him not wanting to meet my kid and saying things like "Why rock the boat when we are happy" "What if he gets attached to me and something happens?" stuff like that so it got pretty heated and I left saying, we both need a couple of days to calm down and think, he agreed and stressed as I was leaving WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP.

My question is i guess is what if I go to his place next week like i usually would and he decideds he STILL doesnt want to meet my kid?
Thats realationship over right? how do I go on from there and why does he think we can be together without my child.

I don't want to break up with him, but if he can't accept my baby Then i have no choice right?

Am i being unreasonable?
Thank you

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 29/05/2021 05:30

He's made it clear that your son is not going to be part of his future., Don't assume all men want to play happy families. Some women are quite happy to raise their kids themselves.and just have someone in the background, and you need to remember if he had of chosen to meet your son, your son may not have liked him, resulting in another set of problems.

MsDogLady · 29/05/2021 05:40

...he tells me I’m being dramatic and need to learn to live in the moment and stop worrying about tomorrow.

He sounds incredibly selfish and egocentric...not the kind of person I would want in my child’s life. It’s good that you found out now.

Your Ex was a cheater who threatened violence and abandoned you and your little son for a year. Then he showed up again and made demands. Your son remembers him shouting and refuses to see him.

Now this loser wants to marginalize your son. He doesn’t genuinely care for you, does he? Move on, Redcupcake. You and your boy deserve better.

FOJN · 29/05/2021 05:48

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.

Does he now? Hmm he won't meet your child in case he gets attached and "something happens", that's not practicing mindfulness.

I told him it was quite minipulative behaviour and he told me I was dramatic and not in charge of my feelings and I am CHOOSING to be upset ect

I'm wondering if he's one of those blokes whose discovered Buddhism, misunderstood it, but is on a mission to tell everyone else how to live a more emotionally healthy life anyway, tedious beyond belief.

Doesn't sound like he has any problems communicating or asserting his boundaries so he could have said he's not ready to meet your child but he didn't and now he's twisting things to make the request seem like a problem with you.

And as for whole days meditating.......

He really doesn't sound as if he's interested in family life, that's fine, he doesn't have to be. Don't let him string you along and don't tolerate anymore of his manipulative bullshit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/05/2021 05:50

@Redcupcake

Thank you, i think I am seeing him on Monday for his 'Decision' but i will break it off... I can't do it before hand because he doesn't use his phone when he is having his 'meditation days'
‘Mediation days’ He sounds like a complete narcissistic flake, who can’t live in the real world. Sounds as though he cannot deal with the concept of his partner having a child. Let alone be a parent.

Could you imagine having a child with him op? It would be a nightmare. You wouldn’t be able to leave the baby with him in case he’d decide to lock himself away.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 29/05/2021 05:56

@Aquamarine1029

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.

In other words he's a flakey fuckwit. A man like this would be an anchor around your neck.

NEXT.

This says it all.^
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 29/05/2021 06:04

Je sounds like hard work OP and if you force the relationship with Hammond your son it may not end well.
I am all for waiting to meet a new partner's child, didn't mean my stepson for ages after l got with his dad bit it was always going to happen.
Men come and go but your son is for life.....prioritise him as l am sure you will xx

AlmostSummer21 · 29/05/2021 06:05

Urgh Jesus I'd have dumped him months ago

He's far too up his own backside.

He's got a serious superiority complex.

He tells you how you should feel, how you should live

Your DS has (hopefully) just saved you a lot of time. You will get the 'ick' with captain 'mindful' just imagine living with someone who tells you you're wrong and are choosing to be annoyed/upset when he's done something you don't like and he then needs days out to sit & hmmmmm

A lot of people who claim to be 'mindful' are just selfish twats who can't deal with life.

Bag up his stuff, tell him you need to see him at his house to collect a few of your things and go and get all of your stuff then enjoy the long weekend with your DS!!!

AlmostSummer21 · 29/05/2021 06:05

Oh I forgot he'll have his phone off, just go around & knock the door.

bigbaggyeyes · 29/05/2021 06:11

you're choosing to be upset Grin of course you're fucking choosing to be upset, the same as he's choosing to be a manipulative shit

BigHeadBertha · 29/05/2021 06:19

Sounds like he doesn't want this relationship to progress beyond the stage its at now. A disappointment for sure. :(

Also, from what you've said, both he and your mother seem too free to criticize you. I hope you find someone who wants to spend his life with you and your son and build you up.

aboutbloodytime123 · 29/05/2021 06:26

He's being absolutely ridiculous. You and your son are a package. If he can't handle that then he's not worth the effort. I think taking 3 days out after an argument to "meditate" is nothing more than the silent treatment and you don't deserve it x

Hollywolly1 · 29/05/2021 06:27

3 days to meditate and think about things, I've heard it all now.I wouldn't wait until Monday for him to make a decision just make it yourself now.
If he is that deep maybe don't go around there by yourself to end it or collect your things,who knows how he could react.I wouldn't bring a child into a situation like that,count yourself lucky.
He sounds kinda scary though but I'm just after looking at a scary film Grin

BadNomad · 29/05/2021 06:30

Eh I think he's being sensible. You've only been together 7 months. That is no time really. This is still the honeymoon period. You're still figuring out each other. He seems to realise what a massive deal it is to meet your young son and the potential harm it could do. Look how many times you read on here "He left me after a year. My child is devastated" after children being introduced in no time. Just slow down.

anunexaminedlife · 29/05/2021 06:34

How can you say you practice the mindful art of living in the moment but also need 3 days to meditate every time you have a disagreement with someone?

He honestly sounds like a right prat. Have you heard of the term 'spiritual fuckboy'? It's the new fuckboy breed.

Providora · 29/05/2021 06:35

@BadNomad

Eh I think he's being sensible. You've only been together 7 months. That is no time really. This is still the honeymoon period. You're still figuring out each other. He seems to realise what a massive deal it is to meet your young son and the potential harm it could do. Look how many times you read on here "He left me after a year. My child is devastated" after children being introduced in no time. Just slow down.
I don't disagree with this at all but the OP has since posted with a whole bunch of reasons why he's still a giant fucking twat.
Inthesameboatatmo · 29/05/2021 06:41

He is being am absolute twat op .
I wouldn't entertain this shit at all , get rid as soon as possible and find someone who accepts you and your lovely boy together as a package.

Sally2791 · 29/05/2021 06:44

Meditation=silent treatment,+/- other women. I’d knock on his door and tell him it’s over.

ExhaustedGrinch · 29/05/2021 06:46

He sounds very similar to my friends partner with his meditation and zen shit. If she raises something with him or upsets him in some kind of way he will drop all contact for a few days and she's left wondering what's going on in his head, is he okay, does he still want to be with her, is he seeing someone else, will he even get back in contact - it's cruel and manipulative, I've said to her I bet she's walking on eggshells so as not to trigger another one of these episodes, she says yes! He's got her right where he wants her, desperate not to upset the applecart or he'll cut her off for a few days/week.

bigspoonlittlespoon · 29/05/2021 06:51

He sounds like a prick.

JackANackAnoreeee · 29/05/2021 06:52

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.

In other words he's invented a philosophy in which he can act like a selfish twat and feel superior about it. He wants no responsibility so unless you're happy to have a casual relationship where you don't rely on him for anything I don't see how it would work.

If he'd said he'd rather wait to meet DS because it's such an important meeting or something like that I'd be right behind him but asking 'why is this so important to you?' is just daft. He seems to be screaming out that he's not interested in any kind of comittment. 'Living in the moment' just isn't compatible with being a parent or being in a relationship with a parent.

BadNomad · 29/05/2021 06:53

I don't see why his way of thinking and living makes him a twat though? This is not a sudden change. The OP knew this was him from the start and still thought he was great and a good choice for a committed relationship and was fine with everything until now.

Equally he knew she came with a child and should have realised she just can't "live in the moment" like he does. That will always be the reality. They are just not compatible.

However, the OP is the one responsible for her child so she needs to be more...mindful...about who she brings into her child's life. This is not a man who will stay when the going gets tough.

zaffa · 29/05/2021 06:58

@Redcupcake

Thanks for the response,

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future. As a mother that isn't practical and If he declines meeting my child but doesn't say if he wants to do it in the future either that doesn't really help.

But im scared he wants me but will never accept my child, So i have to break it off I know that. It's hard when there is absoloutly nothing wrong with the relationship apart from the fact he isn't willing ... or is making me wait without contact for a few days until he makes up his mind.

Delaying meeting your child until he is absolutely sure of your future is one thing, this nonsense is another. I wouldn't date any adult who practised 'the mindful art' it just sounds like an excuse not to grow up and take responsibility for your future! So he doesn't plan for hone ownership, career progression, family? How old is he?
Standrewsschool · 29/05/2021 06:59

I can understand why you are upset that he doesn’t want to meet your dc. Fair enough if he had said he was nervous, etc, but a blanket no is unacceptable. It’s like he doesn’t want to accept the whole of you. Does he see you as a friend with benefits?

skodadoda · 29/05/2021 07:05

He’s controlling, disguising it as some spiritual claptrap.

recklessgran · 29/05/2021 07:08

He sounds bonkers and I wouldn't want him anywhere near my son influencing his thought processes!