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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SO freaking out about my child

274 replies

Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 04:03

Hi everyone today marks 7 months me and SO have been together. We are very happy together have a great romantic life and spend a good amount of time together talking and having fun. We are in a commited relationship so I thought it would be a good time to bring up the subject of my 5 year old son and maybe it was time i brought the two things I love together.

So SO has known from day one I am an only mother and there is no other man on the scene (so no drama) I make my own money and have my own place so I stressed the point that this is nothing more than them meeting so maybe we could progress our relationship.

I asked him over breakfast and his initial reaction was "I don't think it is a good idea, why is this so important to you" and honestly that reaction broke my heart. We went back to his place and had a small argument about it, him not wanting to meet my kid and saying things like "Why rock the boat when we are happy" "What if he gets attached to me and something happens?" stuff like that so it got pretty heated and I left saying, we both need a couple of days to calm down and think, he agreed and stressed as I was leaving WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP.

My question is i guess is what if I go to his place next week like i usually would and he decideds he STILL doesnt want to meet my kid?
Thats realationship over right? how do I go on from there and why does he think we can be together without my child.

I don't want to break up with him, but if he can't accept my baby Then i have no choice right?

Am i being unreasonable?
Thank you

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 30/05/2021 00:43

You do not seem clear in your own mind, what is becoming clearer and clearer to everyone reading this thread, that this man is like a seeping poison in your life.

His sort of abuse is very difficult to define, but it is all there in disguise.

Plenty of people are interested in mindfulness and so on but would not behave like he does.

Please, please keep him away from your son.

You do not sound altogether convinced b what everyone is telling you. But if you end up carrying on with him keep your son out of it.

WalkthisWayUK · 30/05/2021 00:45

You had me at ‘mindful art... ‘

Ditch him!

Original poster
Redcupcake · 30/05/2021 00:54

update.
I have spoken to him on the phone he said he's heard me and respects my views. I'm going to his place tommorow to speak about it further and grab my things, but i think this is the end and NOW i am okay with that

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/05/2021 01:03

Honestly OP, raise your bar.

He sounds like a right piece of work.

I wouldn't want him around my child.

I think you are being totally manipulated and trained to live by his rules.

He's a tool.

Onthedunes · 30/05/2021 01:07

Sounds like he's starting his own cult and you're the first member.

He's an idiot, don't let him near your child.

Find someone at least halfway normal.

MsDogLady · 30/05/2021 01:39

...he says he’s heard me and respects my views. I’m going to his place tomorrow to speak about it further and grab my things...

Please don’t give this abuser the opportunity to manipulate you again. He is attempting to hoover you with his “I hear you” and “I respect your views.”

It’s chilling to think of exposing your child to this passive-aggressive twerp.

PerveenMistry · 30/05/2021 02:28

@Aquamarine1029

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.

In other words he's a flakey fuckwit. A man like this would be an anchor around your neck.

NEXT.

This x1000
Robin233 · 30/05/2021 05:23

Good update
Good luck tomorrow/today.

ApolloandDaphne · 30/05/2021 05:52

He sounds odd and a bit creepy. Ending things is the right thing to do. I hope you can get your stuff safely and get out of his place.

MyOtherProfile · 30/05/2021 06:03

Well done OP. Just grab your stuff and go tomorrow. He sounds like a right arse. And I agree with the pp who suggested Paul Kaye Grin

CornishPastyDownUnder · 30/05/2021 06:15

"practising the mindful art"..hmmm methinks you've found yourself a manchild dressed in adult male clothing..you've had a taste of whats to come should the"scene get too heavy" or you're "sapping his creativity" or god help you dare to"make plans"for these are out of the devils dictionary..read it how you like-i met heaps of this type when i was teens/20s&always good for a brief laugh-useless at anything requiring regular adult emotions.Fab at putting themselves,their wants&plans first, before considering the partnership angle of anything..I would take his BigRedFlag&shove it up his arse..you will always have to put your son first so i can imagine this would be but the first in a long line of disappointments.He is showing you what he's about-unless you want to put him intoFB category-ditch the prick.

dollypartonshirspray · 30/05/2021 06:30

I am glad you are going round to sort it out in person.

rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2021 06:33

Do people actually live like this? Who knew?

SunshineCake · 30/05/2021 08:12

Why do you "think" this is the end? You don't need his permission. Do you need him to treat you badly some more to dump him?

saraclara · 30/05/2021 08:48

he says he’s heard me and respects my views.

Oh Jeeeze. I hate that self help book patter. It's meaningless, and doesn't come from the heart.

I'm now worried that he's going to say that he'll meet your kid and you'll get sucked back in. There is no future in this. The only person who matters to this guy is himself. Your boy absolutely shouldn't meet him.

Comtesse · 30/05/2021 09:02

You have to talk to this dude in a certain tone of voice else he ends the conversation? I’m sorry this is mega controlling. You’ve put up with this for too long, not sure why you didn’t laugh in his face ages ago.

CokeDrinker · 30/05/2021 09:09

@Redcupcake

I told him it was quite minipulative behaviour and he told me I was dramatic and not in charge of my feelings and I am CHOOSING to be upset ect
Wow, what a nasty person he is! He is basically absolving himself of any and all blame by putting all the blame of basic human emotions and feelings onto you. He sounds narcissistic, too bad meditating and these 'self help books' aren't doing a single thing for his personal growth. What a thoroughly self-absorbed and nasty and cold person he is.

I could not be with someone this self-absorbed and lacking human empathy. As it is it seems like everything has to be his way or the highway.

Take the highway. You deserve better.

CokeDrinker · 30/05/2021 09:13

[quote Redcupcake]@Providora yeah he doesn't always do this only when we have a disagreement, he says .... We're both to close to the situation, we need space. Then he goes on to say "I care about you, you are safe and you are loved... I will speak to you in a few days"
At first I thought he was super cool and quirky but now speaking to everyone, maybe he is minipulating me[/quote]
"I care about you, you are safe and you are loved... I will speak to you in a few days"

Confused He sounds like he has acquired some sort of brain damage, to me. Weirdo. Ugh, that would give the creeps.

CokeDrinker · 30/05/2021 09:25

@Redcupcake

He wasn't up for a call because he said i sounded "still shaken by this and maybe you need more ground time before we speak" And i said no im good i am ready I just want to sort this out
he said i sounded "still shaken by this and maybe you need more ground time before we speak"

Jayzus fuqking christ! He either has acquired brain damage via some sort of accident or injury, or he previously did VERY, VERY heavy drug shit that addled his brain. He sounds like a disturbed freak, 'strange' is the understatement! I would have lasted precisely one date with this freak, I don't understand how you could have been in a relationship with him at all. There is something really wrong with him.

And even now he is still manipulating and forcing you to wait for answer. He knows what he is doing, he is enjoying causing you mental anguish. It's almost sociopathic (which makes sense - lacking human empathy, putting all the blame for the effects of his behaviour and attitude onto you, controlling what you take with you, drawing this out and playing mind games with you when tells you he'll ring then rings but doesn't want to talk). Wtf is he playing at? He is trash. Bin him.

saraclara · 30/05/2021 09:26

"I care about you, you are safe and you are loved... I will speak to you in a few days"

Ugh, that would give the creeps.

Me too. I don't know how anyone could hear that and not be really weirded out.

Geanna2 · 30/05/2021 09:34

He's heard you and respects your views? Have you any idea how patronising this man sounds? For goodness sake get rid! The fact he doesn't want your child is bad enough, the fact you allow him to condescend you like this is even worse.

Geanna2 · 30/05/2021 09:37

@saraclara

"I care about you, you are safe and you are loved... I will speak to you in a few days"

Ugh, that would give the creeps.

Me too. I don't know how anyone could hear that and not be really weirded out.

He's become do absorbed in his self help manual p0rn that he's just paroting cheesy lines from them at her. It's pathetic.
Geanna2 · 30/05/2021 09:37

So not do!! Mumsnet give us an edit button ffs!!!!

cocoloco987 · 30/05/2021 09:50

OP I'd not bother speaking about anything further. He's just going to use his woke phrases to turn everything rebound to being your fault and leave you feeling frustrated. Get your things and go. Tell him you've had enough of his talking crap to last a lifetime. Safe and loved ugh! He's heard and respects you. Bet he can't wait for opportunities to actually use this shit after he reads it in his manual!

billy1966 · 30/05/2021 09:55

@Geanna2

He's heard you and respects your views? Have you any idea how patronising this man sounds? For goodness sake get rid! The fact he doesn't want your child is bad enough, the fact you allow him to condescend you like this is even worse.
Loves the sound of his own voice.

Creepy twat.

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