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Original poster

SO freaking out about my child

274 replies

Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 04:03

Hi everyone today marks 7 months me and SO have been together. We are very happy together have a great romantic life and spend a good amount of time together talking and having fun. We are in a commited relationship so I thought it would be a good time to bring up the subject of my 5 year old son and maybe it was time i brought the two things I love together.

So SO has known from day one I am an only mother and there is no other man on the scene (so no drama) I make my own money and have my own place so I stressed the point that this is nothing more than them meeting so maybe we could progress our relationship.

I asked him over breakfast and his initial reaction was "I don't think it is a good idea, why is this so important to you" and honestly that reaction broke my heart. We went back to his place and had a small argument about it, him not wanting to meet my kid and saying things like "Why rock the boat when we are happy" "What if he gets attached to me and something happens?" stuff like that so it got pretty heated and I left saying, we both need a couple of days to calm down and think, he agreed and stressed as I was leaving WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP.

My question is i guess is what if I go to his place next week like i usually would and he decideds he STILL doesnt want to meet my kid?
Thats realationship over right? how do I go on from there and why does he think we can be together without my child.

I don't want to break up with him, but if he can't accept my baby Then i have no choice right?

Am i being unreasonable?
Thank you

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 29/05/2021 08:32

I have dated men like this, they want a real action ship but one of the other stuff that comes with it, he’s happy with the way things are but sees no longterm future with you ,things will never move forward from where they are now. He likes having someone to have sex with and to fuss over him when it’s on his terms. He doesn’t want a child getting on the way of that, and has no intention on meeting your ds.

My situation is different than yours, I’m a single parent but mine are teens and both have ASD, I have gotten to the point where I’m happy having something like the man you are seeing wants, I’m happy to be in a relationship with someone I see once a week when my dc are not around, I’m happy not to introduce anyone to them and I’m happy to never have a man live with me. Your ds is younger and I understand why you want a relationship to involve your ds but that’s obviously not what he wants, I would walk away, there are plenty of men out there that would be happy for your son to be part of the relationship.

StevieNix · 29/05/2021 08:33

Meditation days with his phone off means he is probably shagging someone else on those days so doesn’t want you to contact him. Maybe he has a wife? It’s raising huge red flags to me anyway.
Plus he just sounds like a flakey man child

neveradullmoment99 · 29/05/2021 08:36

@StevieNix

Meditation days with his phone off means he is probably shagging someone else on those days so doesn’t want you to contact him. Maybe he has a wife? It’s raising huge red flags to me anyway. Plus he just sounds like a flakey man child
My thoughts too sadly
BlueLobelia · 29/05/2021 08:37

@whymewhyme

He wants you and not your child.
I think he wants a no fuss shag with someone he can manipulate so he can do whatever he wants and blame it on the OP for being upset. And he wants to feel superior about it.
RAOK · 29/05/2021 08:37

He sounds absolutely awful! Get rid and never look back.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 29/05/2021 08:53

Seven months is still very much the honeymoon phase. Maybe he's not looking for a long-term relationship with you? I think you can have a brilliant time with someone in that timeframe (and connect on so many levels) but not really necessarily have a future together. He sounds too self-centred to take on a 'family' (which you and your DS are, OP).

AdelindSchade · 29/05/2021 08:56

I know people like this and the problem with them is they tend to be inflexible and self centred when it comes down to it.

I'm sorry OP because you have become invested in this and it will be painful but at least you know now. You will have learned from this for the next time.

Ugzbugz · 29/05/2021 09:03

How did he plan to meet you Monday when he onky lives for the moment and doesn't plan ahead. I think 7 months is a bit soon though but he could have said let's give it a bit longer?

He sounds like an absolute gimp I would dump by text.

Branleuse · 29/05/2021 09:03

I think mindfulness and meditation is great, but you have to have your feet on the ground in the real world too. He sounds like hes just done too much acid OP. I dont think youre going to get what you need or deserve from this guy. He just wants to fuck and gaze at his own navel

Dddccc · 29/05/2021 09:03

7 months is way to soon to meet a child double the length of time before that happens and if at the 7 months you are arguing already you are not right for each other, also in the last 7 months you cant have really spent much time together

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 29/05/2021 09:07

I think he's being pretty sensible to be honest. You need to be asking yourself why you want him to meet your son when it's s very, new relationship? Chances are he's been burned before when he's been shoehorned into playing dad to someone else's kid. The only one who ends up suffering I'd the child. My advice is to keep your son and your dating very separate.

AdelindSchade · 29/05/2021 09:08

@Doodledeedum

I don't know how old either of you are but he sounds like a manipulative fuck boy ( look up lalalaletmeexplain and search spiritual fuck boy) . Meeting you and knowing you have a child is part of getting together with SOMEONE WHO HAS A CHILD. You come as a package so of course it's over if he doesn't want to know? What the alternative? Your child and him being in your life separately? Your child growing up knowing your partner doesn't want to know or rock the boat? I mean - you and your child are IN THIS BOAT so wtf?

I got with my SO knowing he had a child-I was clear from the start I've never dated anyone with a child before I had to go with the flow and see how it is, in all honesty- the child who I know fully treat as my own- was never an issue- it was his mother- who I now get on with but you don't even have that issue? So he's quite set??

Please get rid of this man child and find a real man who can see you and your child as a whole package.

I hae just been down a rabbit hole! I wish all this stuff had been available when I was younger!
MargotMoon · 29/05/2021 09:09

The whole point of not introducing a man to your child immediately is to avoid exposing them to arseholes like this.

Send him a text, "I'm choosing to break up with you'. Job done

CervixSampler · 29/05/2021 09:10

Just text him that it's over then block him. He'll get your message when he switches his phone back on. Pretentious wanker.

VettiyaIruken · 29/05/2021 09:11

He sounds like a pretentious twat. Honestly, what you describe him saying makes me cringe. He is ridiculous.

lightand · 29/05/2021 09:11

He is so very far into himself.

Aalvarino · 29/05/2021 09:11

Lundy Bancroft: this is one of the types of abuser. The self help guru.

ineedaholidaynow · 29/05/2021 09:12

Where’s your son when you meet up with your SO?

Doodledeedum · 29/05/2021 09:15

@AdelindSchade I know. It's incredible right. I have to admit I've dated a few fuck boys in my time of dating and landed on a gem of a MAN. ( probably because I was able to weed the fuck boys out in the end) I feel for anyone dating now. So many manipulative gas lighting spiritual new age boys out there. It's worrying!!!!

If you follow lalalalaletmeexplain on Instagram she does an amazing story thread every so often where by you text her what you would ask a fuck boy and she responds as one and as well as being sadly spot on it is sadly accurate too !

powershowerforanhour · 29/05/2021 09:15

What a navel gazer. Sounds like he'd have a totally uptight freakout if a sticky fingered lively real child and a real woman with pesky thoughts, ideas, plans and emotions of her own came along and looked like upsetting his carefully arranged chakras.

Deeply annoying when a man places himself in the calm/logic/reasoned/enlightened role any time you disagree on anything and casts the woman in the emotion led/hysterical/intellectually inferior/base role. This has been going on for centuries though- Man as enlightened noble human, woman as Other, base slave to her lower animalesque instincts.

When all's said and done it is just a more pretentious way of being an immature selfish arse though. Seize the day, live in the moment and fire a Dear John letter through his door (or text) - don't be a good girl and wait till Monday as he has instructed you to- then leave him to polish his chakras to his heart's content while you and your son get on with living real lives in the real world.

Doodledeedum · 29/05/2021 09:16

Warning OP ⛔️ even when you dump him he will somehow make it sound to you like it was actually his decision and somehow you're losing out.

Ethelfromnumber73 · 29/05/2021 09:17

@Redcupcake

I told him it was quite minipulative behaviour and he told me I was dramatic and not in charge of my feelings and I am CHOOSING to be upset ect
Oh dear. Never mind the rest of it, he's a bellend. Sorry OP Thanks
rainbowmash · 29/05/2021 09:20

No lie, I used to go to cult meetings with exactly this kind of man. Always divorced, always for good reason, always charismatic slimy gits who masked their indulgent self-centred ways behind "kum ba yah" bollocks. Please don't be tricked into being a side character in someone's mid-life crisis story.

I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. You sound like a great person who cares about others, especially your kiddo. You deserve someone who behaves like a response grown up!

saraclara · 29/05/2021 09:22

@Redcupcake

I told him it was quite minipulative behaviour and he told me I was dramatic and not in charge of my feelings and I am CHOOSING to be upset ect
So he responded to you saying he was being manipulative, by.... being manipulative. He sounds incredibly egotistical.