SO freaking out about my child

[Redcupcake]

Hi everyone today marks 7 months me and SO have been together. We are very happy together have a great romantic life and spend a good amount of time together talking and having fun. We are in a commited relationship so I thought it would be a good time to bring up the subject of my 5 year old son and maybe it was time i brought the two things I love together.

So SO has known from day one I am an only mother and there is no other man on the scene (so no drama) I make my own money and have my own place so I stressed the point that this is nothing more than them meeting so maybe we could progress our relationship.

I asked him over breakfast and his initial reaction was "I don't think it is a good idea, why is this so important to you" and honestly that reaction broke my heart. We went back to his place and had a small argument about it, him not wanting to meet my kid and saying things like "Why rock the boat when we are happy" "What if he gets attached to me and something happens?" stuff like that so it got pretty heated and I left saying, we both need a couple of days to calm down and think, he agreed and stressed as I was leaving WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP.

My question is i guess is what if I go to his place next week like i usually would and he decideds he STILL doesnt want to meet my kid?
Thats realationship over right? how do I go on from there and why does he think we can be together without my child.

I don't want to break up with him, but if he can't accept my baby Then i have no choice right?

Am i being unreasonable?
Thank you

@Aquamarine1029

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.

In other words he's a flakey fuckwit. A man like this would be an anchor around your neck.

NEXT.

Got as far as this but the had to say- i agree with this.

'the mindful art' what a crock of shit.

Telling you that you're choosing to be upset is not mindful. It's dismissive of your feelings and pretty much telling you your feelings are the wrong ones and his are the right ones. Would he be as dismissive of your son if he was upset? How would that feel for you?

He doesn't understand why meeting your son is important? That says to me he doesn't really understand your values. If he had said he doesn't want to meet him yet it would be different as it would acknowledge the importance of that meeting. But he seems only to be looking after his own needs. He knows you're upset but has meditation days. More like putting you to one side whilst he can think about himself for a bit. Whole days on meditation - one of the most self indulgent things I've heard in a long time.

He's a self absorbed person disguising it as mindfulness.

Why are you waiting for him to make a decision?!

You know that your son must come first, therefore your 'S'O is the one who has to go.

You’ve been together 7 months and you have arguments frequently enough to have a pattern of behaviour around them?
Bin him and move on

@bigbaggyeyes

you're choosing to be upset of course you're fucking choosing to be upset, the same as he's choosing to be a manipulative shit

.

It’s such a manipulative thing to do to act in shitty ways and then tell the other person they are choosing to be upset. This sort of attitude is a fucking gift to headfuckers who like to pretend they are ‘enlightened’ but really want to act however they want to with zero consequences.

Lives for each moment my ass, he’s directly contradicted himself by worrying about being in your child’s life or not in the future.

Tbh i’d have dumped him for the flowery ‘you’re loved and safe’ thing before doing a disappearing act which my ‘pseudo enlightened f-boy bullshit translator’ just translated to “let me avoid this difficult conversation for a few days, while abdicating myself of any responsibility for my part in this relationship, until you’ve got back into line”.

Definitely fuck him off once he’s returned from planet inner wanking.

To put it in classic MN terminology... hills... that way... >>>>>

He has you completely compartmentalized inside a box you have no access to. He's in control yet he's flaky. It is a disaster being around people like this. He's living a diorama of a life.

He is thinking/worrying about the future by saying "what if child gets attached and something happens" so if he tries to use mindfulness as a reason he cannot say if he wants to meet child in the future then he is talking nonsense.

[quote Redcupcake]@Jennyfromtheculdesac
So basically quick about him. When we spend days together he is always reading self help books and meditating. He puts alot of time into our relationship and i have tons of my stuff at his place. . . He just ... I don't know when ever we disagree on something he needs like 3 days no contact to "Think about it" but from what I have heard from our mutual friends and his roommate *Who thinks he is strange. He does just lock himself away and focus on meditating ect[/quote]
Also called sulking, abusive tactic. Imagine if your child did something he didn't like, would he ignore him for three days?
It's a shame but it's harder to find a good relationship when you're a single mum because there's two of you to think about.

The more you wrote about him, the more he sounds like a salf obsessed wet lettuce, using his meditation and mindfulness to bat away any hint of commitment or future planning.

I think the only person he loves is himself. How dull.

Ffs, my keyboard hates me. Self obsessed

@BadNomad

Eh I think he's being sensible. You've only been together 7 months. That is no time really. This is still the honeymoon period. You're still figuring out each other. He seems to realise what a massive deal it is to meet your young son and the potential harm it could do. Look how many times you read on here "He left me after a year. My child is devastated" after children being introduced in no time. Just slow down.

I agree with this. Seven months is very early on.

As a PP said his attitude to his responsibilities towards youbis a big red flag. Imagine you caught him shagging someone else - or just let you down because he had some urgent meditating to do. You would 'just be choosing to be upset' Or heaven forfend he got to know your son, and upset him. Would your son just be 'choosing to be upset'??

Honestly I want to slap him just thinking about it. Which would obviously be fine, he could 'choose not to be upset', couldn't he?

I'd be moving on and finding someone who doesn't practice "mindful art". Bloody excuse to be a immature fuckwit!

@Moonface123

He's made it clear that your son is not going to be part of his future., Don't assume all men want to play happy families. Some women are quite happy to raise their kids themselves.and just have someone in the background, and you need to remember if he had of chosen to meet your son, your son may not have liked him, resulting in another set of problems.

I agree with this. Is it really so bad he does not want to be a step father ?

I don't know how old either of you are but he sounds like a manipulative fuck boy ( look up lalalaletmeexplain and search spiritual fuck boy) . Meeting you and knowing you have a child is part of getting together with SOMEONE WHO HAS A CHILD.
You come as a package so of course it's over if he doesn't want to know? What the alternative? Your child and him being in your life separately? Your child growing up knowing your partner doesn't want to know or rock the boat?
I mean - you and your child are IN THIS BOAT so wtf?

I got with my SO knowing he had a child-I was clear from the start I've never dated anyone with a child before I had to go with the flow and see how it is, in all honesty- the child who I know fully treat as my own- was never an issue- it was his mother- who I now get on with but you don't even have that issue? So he's quite set??

Please get rid of this man child and find a real man who can see you and your child as a whole package.

This sounds like my ex who I broke up with a few months ago. I have a 9 year old and whilst they had met and my ex moved in with us, he’s now informed me he’s going back to his rule of not dating someone with kids. He’s also a big meditator which is fine but I always found he could be manipulative.

He 100% only cares about himself and does what he has to do to keep himself sane, or so he says. Even if it involves just leaving one day and not coming back

In the end it was the best thing he did for us lol

[quote Redcupcake]@CrazyNeighbour He is anti porn and doesn't own a xbox or laptop... ive never seen him turn the TV on ... I truly believe he is meditating lmao maybe me and him are to different[/quote]
No he bloody isn't 😂

@anunexaminedlife

How can you say you practice the mindful art of living in the moment but also need 3 days to meditate every time you have a disagreement with someone?

He honestly sounds like a right prat. Have you heard of the term 'spiritual fuckboy'? It's the new fuckboy breed.

THIS.

For whatever reason he sees meeting your son as a commitment he is too scared to make .
Don't try to get in his head, it's impossible. He doesn't sound like the settling down type so move on , you and your son deserve better
And please don't wait until Monday for his ' decision ' he can read your text when he switches his phone back on .
And be prepared for him to mess with you and say that he was coming round to the idea, a 5 year old doesn't need someone flakey like this in their lives

@Northernparent68 he doesn't have to become a full on step dad but at least show some interest in the child
When we introduce our partners to pur parents we don't do it so they want to adopt them, it's just wanting those we love to meet each other

Get rid immediately. He will not change and will spend the entirely of your relationship doing whatever he wants with whoever he wants under the guise of expressing his spirituality.

He doesn't sound remotely desirable. Can't you just go and tell him? I don't think I could be bothered to wait til Monday.

Never mind your kid, ( in the nicest possible way) how on earth could you ever sustain a more serious relationship with someone like that. Could you really live like that?
What if you got married, live together? I couldn't imagine any of that could work with his 'me' time.

When he says you are safe and loved. How is he showing you this? By telling you you're choosing to be upset and showing no understanding of why you're upset. That's not loving.

How is he showing you you're safe? By disappearing into his own head for days?

He's using words which sound lovely - but doing nothing to back it up. In other words - he's manipulating you to his needs and shoving yours to one side.

He doesn't see a future with you. You will do for now. Ditch him this won't work

Well, I think opinion on his ‘mindful art’ are pretty unanimous.