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Original poster

SO freaking out about my child

274 replies

Redcupcake · 29/05/2021 04:03

Hi everyone today marks 7 months me and SO have been together. We are very happy together have a great romantic life and spend a good amount of time together talking and having fun. We are in a commited relationship so I thought it would be a good time to bring up the subject of my 5 year old son and maybe it was time i brought the two things I love together.

So SO has known from day one I am an only mother and there is no other man on the scene (so no drama) I make my own money and have my own place so I stressed the point that this is nothing more than them meeting so maybe we could progress our relationship.

I asked him over breakfast and his initial reaction was "I don't think it is a good idea, why is this so important to you" and honestly that reaction broke my heart. We went back to his place and had a small argument about it, him not wanting to meet my kid and saying things like "Why rock the boat when we are happy" "What if he gets attached to me and something happens?" stuff like that so it got pretty heated and I left saying, we both need a couple of days to calm down and think, he agreed and stressed as I was leaving WE ARE NOT BREAKING UP.

My question is i guess is what if I go to his place next week like i usually would and he decideds he STILL doesnt want to meet my kid?
Thats realationship over right? how do I go on from there and why does he think we can be together without my child.

I don't want to break up with him, but if he can't accept my baby Then i have no choice right?

Am i being unreasonable?
Thank you

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 29/05/2021 07:58

[quote Redcupcake]@CrazyNeighbour He is anti porn and doesn't own a xbox or laptop... ive never seen him turn the TV on ... I truly believe he is meditating lmao maybe me and him are to different[/quote]
Anti porn. Yeah right Grin

butterpuffed · 29/05/2021 07:59

When you said about his reaction to meeting your child, I was going to say that it was such an odd reaction that as you get to know him for longer, you'll find other things he has unusual ideas about but I see you already have.

He's an oddball and oddballs don't change.

Skyla2005 · 29/05/2021 08:01

Tell him you need time to meditate then block him. What a wanker !

Blueskytoday06 · 29/05/2021 08:01

You've been together 7 months in the grand scheme of things it's no time at all.
Enjoy being in your own little bubble with SO and in time it will happen naturally and when you both feel ready.
Where is your son when you see SO? You've implied dad isn't on the scene.
My SO and I have been together for 2 years and not met kids. I enjoy our time without the complication of considering others needs.

MrsMiddleMother · 29/05/2021 08:02

You've been together less than a year, he's not ready to meet your child. I didn't meet my now-husbands kids until we'd been together a year as I didn't want to be introduced if we weren't going to last. So I don't think he's being unreasonable for that. The other stuff you've mentioned however, he sounds like a that, you're obviously on different wave lengths and I'd just call it a day if I were you.

Isthisit22 · 29/05/2021 08:03

This is not about his reaction to your boy. This is about a not nice man and a 5 month relationship in which you gave already have fairly significant arguments where he then doesn't speak to you got days.
He has already had it where if he does anything wrong you are 'choosing to be upset'. That makes you always in the wrong.
This is not what a good relationship looks like.

thisisfineihavewine · 29/05/2021 08:03

I’ve only read so far as he practices the mindful art - yeah bin this one off, you don’t need a guy who can’t/won’t plan for the future

SinkGirl · 29/05/2021 08:04

@Redcupcake

I told him it was quite minipulative behaviour and he told me I was dramatic and not in charge of my feelings and I am CHOOSING to be upset ect
What worries me OP is that you’re describing this as a great relationship where the only problem is he doesn’t want to meet your child (which is a massive problem).

But then you start talking about the relationship and it’s clearly not a great relationship at all! Why is your idea of a good relationship someone frequently giving you silent treatment, calling you dramatic, gaslighting you about normal reactions etc?

I knew exactly what sort of twat man he was when you said this:
He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.

I’ve met a few of these. Man children who never take on any responsibility, think they’re enlightened and feel superior to everyone else yet live empty lives. It’s basically Twattish for “commitment phobic”.

cannotfindaspareusername · 29/05/2021 08:07

My brother is just like this.
All I can say is "run, run to the hills". I do not know anyone who is as self-absorbed, flaky and manipulative as he is.

Ickythefirebobby · 29/05/2021 08:09

@Aquamarine1029

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future.

In other words he's a flakey fuckwit. A man like this would be an anchor around your neck.

NEXT.

This. Mindful art my arse.
Unanananana · 29/05/2021 08:10

He sounds like an absolute wanker. Does he expect you sit around gazing wistfully at him reading his self help books while he considers whether he should take another few days of not speaking to you? Does he work or spend all his time 'meditating'? What a crashing bore he sounds.

Dump him and find a real person who accepts you and your child as a package (eventually, obviously). You are worth more than being his new age accessory.

AttaGirrrrl · 29/05/2021 08:13

He practices the "mindful art" where he lives in the moment and doesn't think about the future. As a mother that isn't practical and If he declines meeting my child but doesn't say if he wants to do it in the future either that doesn't really help.

That was enough for me to be screaming “run... RUN AWAY” before I even read the rest of it. Honestly, move on. He sounds like a narcissistic twat.

mumonthehill · 29/05/2021 08:14

I have a friend like this, constantly trying to self improve and look inwards at themselves. It means that they are so self absorbed that they stop thinking of others and become selfish. It’s all about the impact on them rather than looking at what they could do to support others. I would run for the hills from this one.

DeciduousPerennial · 29/05/2021 08:15

I wouldn’t dump him for having considered, well-thought through concerns about meeting your son, if those concerns were in the context of a well-rounded relationship and a conversation about where you were both headed.

I’d dump him for all the other wanky tosspot shite.

Because you will never be allowed your own voice, everything will always be on his terms, there will 3 days ‘meditating’ after every tiny disagreement, and you won’t be able to plan for anything at all, ever.

Holiday? “Cant decide that now, LIVE IN THE MOMENT” so you end up with everything booked and nowhere to go.

Pension? “Live in the moment”. You sort yours, he does nothing, come 70 he’s skint and living off you.

But we really do need to think about savings because the boiler needs replacing and the windows need sorting, and that’s before we even think about whether X will want uni and the fees for that. “I can’t DEAL with this. I live in the moment. I’m going away for 3 days to stay in my yurt and knit yoghurt and avoid all contact with adult life”. Meanwhile you’ll stay at home and do everything while he reads self-help books in his yurt and tortures himself about how mean you are for making him think and be a grown up.

Go and post a note through his door telling him he’s binned.

friskybivalves · 29/05/2021 08:16

Do you have the room mate's number? You could send a text asking him to give SO a nudge during the Champions League Final mindfulness tonight because you're on the way round for your stuff.

RampantIvy · 29/05/2021 08:16

and he told me I was dramatic and not in charge of my feelings and I am CHOOSING to be upset

Typical gaslighting behaviour. He just wants no strings attached sex doesn’t he. He sounds far too self absorbed and selfish.

Aria2015 · 29/05/2021 08:17

To be honest his lifestyle doesn't even sound compatible with having a child around anyway. I have a 5 year old and any reading up on self help or meditating would have to wait until he was in bed and as you say, living in the 'moment' and not thinking of the future isn't practical either so not sure how you anticipate this working out long term even if they meet? I think you shout cut your losses...

motogogo · 29/05/2021 08:17

If after 7 months he doesn't want to meet your child that's a red flag. If you had said 7 weeks I would say fair enough but he obviously still can't imagine a long term future with you. My kids met dp after a few weeks, ok they are older but I needed to know the dynamics worked!

Adesignforstrife · 29/05/2021 08:18

He has to meditate for three days after a disagreement, but calls YOU dramatic. Hmmm. Not worth the effort.

BenProudsNeck · 29/05/2021 08:20

Did you talk about what you were hoping to come out of him meeting your child? Are you hoping that he will meet them once? Just to put a name to a face so you speak. Or are you hoping he will take a step-fatherly role in the child's life? Or something inbetween- like you will want to include the child in your social life, with 'family' days out etc, activities centred round the child?

He might not, after 7 months dating, be ready to take on such a commitment - and I can understand that actually. He does sound wanky in the way he conducts himself though. Self-oriented. Depends whether you are happy to carry on your perfect dating relationship for a little longer to see if he grows into the idea- or whether you can't give him that opportunity and want to risk cutting your losses right away and dumping someone who you say you are enjoying a really good relationship with.

Zzelda · 29/05/2021 08:21

I suspect he's worked out that his lifestyle can't ever combine successfully with having a small boy around. If you lived together, he'd never be able to spend the day meditating if your son has his friends round, for instance, and children have a way of picking up bugs which don't necessarily combine well with stepdad's wish for three days being left strictly alone. It was really completely selfish of him starting a relationship with you which he knew full well had no future.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 29/05/2021 08:22

Yes I'm with the others. I now have a rule that I only go out with men who have at least one DC It's a shame as there are some lovely looking men on line that don't have DC but this exemplifies the kinds of issues. You with your life as a mum and him with his 'mindful living' just doesn't feel compatible. Plus him calling you dramatic because you don't subscribe to his life philosophy is disrespectful. You live in the real world and he doesn't. It's a shame but I think you are right in moving on if you want a lasting relationship

whymewhyme · 29/05/2021 08:22

He wants you and not your child.

Hen2018 · 29/05/2021 08:26

Is it physically possible to meditate for 3 days?

AtlasPine · 29/05/2021 08:26

Living in the moment probably means he will have moved on from you within a day or two of you ending this thing. His boundaries are so inflexible and exclusive - there is no room for a genuine long-term two-way love relationship on these terms. He isn’t in the right place or space.