I need a hand hold

[iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

Don’t.

You have been conditioned for years to feel this way. You will feel guilty for a good while as you are so used to keep him happy to save yourself, but listen to your head.

These feelings, as strong as they are, are not reasonable, but you won’t be able to avoid them even if you know you should.

Just keep going, try not to think much or often of him and keep walking. One day, in a few months you will start feeling how different and happy life can be, and at that point you will look back and realise how bad the situation was.

Keep going, one foot in front of the other until you re learn to run. Don’t look back.

I remember feeling like you. I questioned if everything was as bad as I thought. I imagined I'd not cope without him. I dreaded that leaving would be worse than staying. I had wobbles for few weeks. But I left, I survived, then I flourished. You've been brave by deciding that your current life is not what you want or deserve. Keep going and don't look back. 💐

I'll be thinking of you OP, the first brave steps to a better life.

Your one and only life. Do you have children?

Yes two children. The women's aid advisor said the reason I feel guilty is from having emotional abuse deeply ingrained.

One step at a time Op, it may take years to stop considering his needs even after you parted. But honestly, once the shock wears off it is, literally, as if the sun has come out. There’s a wonderful life out there, you just need to let go of the one you are used to.

They wanted me to go today but I needed time. Planned to take all mine and the girls important/special things tomorrow but he's been sent home from work to work from home tomorrow.

Can you rearrange to go today? Getting “important things” can get you trapped for months to come. Whatever is holding you is not as important as your girls’ and your safety.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

Stop it. I've followed your previous threads and recognised your name. Stop seeing leaving as something you're doing that's bad or dishonest or deceitful.

Start viewing it as you finally getting your children out of a toxic and abusive household they shouldn't have ever been in.

That sounds harsh but you need to be reminded that any guilt you feel about leaving him should be outweighed by guilt you would feel by having your children exposed to this creature for one more day.

You can't keep delaying, you need to get out. If he's now going to be at home tomorrow, is there any way of you contacting womens aid or the police without him hearing so that you can still leave with their support?

There will always be a reason or a complication that means you feel you can't go 'today', until there have been so many 'todays' that the effect on your children weighs on you forever - as you watch them take these learnings into their adult lives, when theyll be more likely to recreate this relationship dynamic the longer you stay.

Stop focusing on feeling bad for him and start focusing on feeling responsible for them. They have no choice in this lifestyle, you do.

Don't let them down

Thanks @youvegottenminuteslynn you're right. As you've seen my previous posts you'll know how much I've struggled with this. I'm finding it so hard tonight just pretending all is ok. He's talking about stuff happening at the weekend etc and it's making me feel worse.

There is no other way. It has to be this way.

Just need to figure out how to leave tomorrow while still leaving my car on the drive (my car, I pay for it, have paid thousands but it's in his name). Don't know how I will get by without a car

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

Thanks *@youvegottenminuteslynn* you're right. As you've seen my previous posts you'll know how much I've struggled with this. I'm finding it so hard tonight just pretending all is ok. He's talking about stuff happening at the weekend etc and it's making me feel worse.

There is no other way. It has to be this way.

Just need to figure out how to leave tomorrow while still leaving my car on the drive (my car, I pay for it, have paid thousands but it's in his name). Don't know how I will get by without a car

Tune him out, stop focusing on feeling bad towards him and focus on protecting your girls and you.

They cannot live for one more day under the same roof as a man who is an abuser in so many ways, including sexually towards you. It's gone on long enough and you did the hard work that meant tonight was supposed to be your last night with him. Don't go back now, don't let them down by staying yet again. Please.

You'll manage without a car. I can't drive anymore due to my epilepsy a d I get by - you just have to make do with things for a while until you get back on your feet.

Use this thread as a sort of accountability checker maybe - imagine how proud we will all be when you post on here tomorrow and say 'I did it, we are FREE!'

Please don't let your girls down by going back on your plan now

I'm hopeful I will emerge from the refuge as my former self. Confident and strong.

It's not funny but it also is, he's just ripped my leggings wide open because there was a small hole (that I wasn't aware of) near my bits. I went upstairs to change and my 7 year old said "omg what's he done now!" And then after my lighthearted response says "sounds like *!" She's not daft.

Strange tho, when he used to do that I'd be furious. Tonight I said oh for fuck sake! As well as this, I know ask myself why this annoys me. Either I'm an over reactor or I've been conditioned.

Thankfully I'm not totally blind to it all, I recognise somewhere deep down that it's all wrong. Just the current me questioning everything I guess.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

I'm hopeful I will emerge from the refuge as my former self. Confident and strong.

It's not funny but it also is, he's just ripped my leggings wide open because there was a small hole (that I wasn't aware of) near my bits. I went upstairs to change and my 7 year old said "omg what's he done now!" And then after my lighthearted response says "sounds like *!" She's not daft.

Strange tho, when he used to do that I'd be furious. Tonight I said oh for fuck sake! As well as this, I know ask myself why this annoys me. Either I'm an over reactor or I've been conditioned.

You've been conditioned. Hugely.

So have your children, to the extent that your 7 year old was unsurprised her mums boyfriend has ripped her clothes near the crotch just because he can. No respect for your belongings or body. And she's now 'meh' about things that should be weird and shocking and unsettling to her if her boundaries were healthy.

You have to leave tomorrow. Anything else is so unfair on your children.

You will be so proud of yourself this time next week if you leave tomorrow.

I know. I feel so bad to my girls.

Please follow through this time. You have left him so many times already - for the sake of your children you have to be strong.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

I know. I feel so bad to my girls.

Let this power you. Be absolutely powered by the fact you cannot let them down and let them grow up around this dynamic. Otherwise they are likely to end up with men who abuse them. Let your love for them power you - protect them

Took them to the park near our house this evening. They were so happy, smiley and loving life at the park. My 7yo drew this with some chalk she found. She's such a pure and loving soul. Somehow this picture is helping me. It's almost like they know.

It's almost like they know.

I think it’s a sign that they are hoping.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

Took them to the park near our house this evening. They were so happy, smiley and loving life at the park. My 7yo drew this with some chalk she found. She's such a pure and loving soul. Somehow this picture is helping me. It's almost like they know.

This is so gorgeous, bless her.

You can't break her pure little heart by failing to follow through tomorrow.

Do it for her

@nimbuscloud

It's almost like they know.

I think it’s a sign that they are hoping.

I agree with this.

They've written a wish in a way OP.

You can make it come true tomorrow.

Thinking of you Op. be brave.

Thank you all. I really do appreciate the words of support. No doubt the next few days will be hard but I'm lucky in that I'm going to a self contained flat. I'm quite a private person so having to share communal living would have deterred me massively. It's hard to see it right now but I trust that an outsiders view shows reality better than my own judgement atm. I need all the support I can get. Just need to get as much stuff out tomorrow as I can

I had planned to shield her from this. To tell her that we'd had a flood or something so needed temporary accommodation but I've spoken to her dad. She's far older than her years. He thinks I should be honest with her. I'm in two minds. My youngest doesn't care so long as she has me.

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

Thank you all. I really do appreciate the words of support. No doubt the next few days will be hard but I'm lucky in that I'm going to a self contained flat. I'm quite a private person so having to share communal living would have deterred me massively. It's hard to see it right now but I trust that an outsiders view shows reality better than my own judgement atm. I need all the support I can get. Just need to get as much stuff out tomorrow as I can

Go girl!! Be strong for yourself and if you cant do that, do it for your beautiful, innocent girls. So excited for the new life you get to create! Whoop whoop xxx

Very true. I wonder if other people that Leave for a refuge feel the same as me. Like they're awful for being so deceptive. I think when times get tough I will look at the girls. I try so damn hard to be a good mum and I'm succeeding mainly. They're well mannered, polite, well behaved and well adjusted children. But I am failing them I know I am. I want them to grow up fiercely strong and independent. They hang on my every word.

Please, if falter, support me.

I struggle with anxiety. The worst part of this is the bit where I know he's realised what happened. It'll crush me I know it will. But I've tried to leave so many times.

I feel a fraud. He doesn't beat me to a pump. He gaslights, emotionally and sexually abuses me. Right this second I recognise that. Tomorrow I may not. I need to remember. I'm waffling I know but I'd really like this to be a support post. For other women that don't have rose coloured gasses on or women who have fled for a refuge, to tell me this is normal, my doubts are normal. I just want to feel relaxed. I want to wear what I want without being touched in all my private parts. I sincerely hope I can get past this and one day somewhere in the future be with a man that respects me and understands my past.