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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a hand hold

377 replies

iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 18:38

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 27/05/2021 08:24

I am here cheering you on! Pom poms at the ready for you and your girls! You can do this Smile

Feelinghothothottoday · 27/05/2021 08:25

Good luck. We are all with you in spirit. I will be thinking of you today. Stay safe. Hugs.

KateTheEighth · 27/05/2021 08:32

We're right behind you

You can do this Star

Iorderedyouapancake · 27/05/2021 08:35

Good luck op, thinking of you today

Livebythecoast · 27/05/2021 08:38

Wishing you so much strength and love today Flowers

noneedtoexpelme · 27/05/2021 08:39

Good luck. My mum had the chance years ago and didn't take it. Our lives were ruined for a long long time. Two of of us are still feeling the after effects over 40 years later. Please go and don't look back. xxx

justthecat · 27/05/2021 08:59

Good luck 💐

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 27/05/2021 09:00

It's your best chance. Just do it. I did. My children had become aware of the abuse and they wanted to leave too. It was hard, but so worth it. Why should your children spend another day in an abusive household? No child should have to live like that. My ex soon found someone else. He abused her for years too. The neighbours witnessed it and told me. He will never change. Only you can change the situation. I'll be willing you on today. Please don't feel guilty. None of this is your fault.

LawrenceChaney22 · 27/05/2021 09:31

Good luck, you've got this. Flowers Easier said than done I'm sure of but you have gotten this far for a reason as you know it's not right what he is doing to you.

Fingers crossed it goes smoothly for you, deep breaths !!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/05/2021 09:33

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

Thankyou everyone. Feeling awful this morning and guilty. Questioning myself over it all.
Don't back out. Please don't back out.

For your girls. You can't keep choosing him, you must put them first now.

You're making them live with an abuser. They will think this relationship is normal and the longer you stay the more likely it is they'll end up with someone like him - emotionally and sexually abusive.

Imagine going to sleep tonight with nobody touching you or talking to you badly. That's within reach.

Do this for your girls, don't make this their future.

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 27/05/2021 09:58

I've just cried to the school head teacher. Wanted to inform them as my daughter went in crying today. She is very bright and older than her years, I needed to tell her what was happening after school. She told me she doesn't like the noises she hears when he does things that I don't like (grabbing, squeezing, tickling relentlessly), but that she will miss him.

This is awful.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 27/05/2021 10:02

You are doing great op Thanks and everything will be so much better soon. You and the dc will be happy and content

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 27/05/2021 10:17

Your DD will be glad to be away from him. Especially if there’s a possibility he starts doing the same to her at some point. Of course she’ll miss him, as will you, as he’s been part of your life for however long, but she’ll grow up knowing that you don’t tolerate this bullshit. Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/05/2021 10:19

All the more reason to follow this through OP - your little girl has been so conditioned to think this is normal that she is fighting an internal battle between absolutely knowing this behaviour is wrong and makes her mummy sad / hurts her mummy but also thinking she will miss him (she won't) because by staying with him you've made her think that his behaviour must be acceptable so he can't be a 'baddie'.

This is more reason to leave.

Please don't let them down and stay again.

Focus on them and their safety and long term wellbeing.

Picture being in a bed tonight without him anywhere near you, so you have nobody touching you or teasing you or making you feel scared and anxious about what they'll do next.

Imagine that feeling and DONT falter.

notapizzaeater · 27/05/2021 10:22

Yes it is awful but the alternative is much worse. You've got this !

nimbuscloud · 27/05/2021 11:17

It sounds as if your daughter has been emotionally damaged already.
It’s good that the school are aware.

nimbuscloud · 27/05/2021 11:17

Are you sure that he has not been sexually abusing her?

MiaRoma · 27/05/2021 11:34

Stay strong

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 27/05/2021 11:56

@nimbuscloud absolutely certain that he hasn't.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 27/05/2021 12:26

He is abusing her in other ways- she knows what he is doing to you and it frightens her. You can be sure he knows this.

Dozycuntlaters · 27/05/2021 12:38

Good luck, you CAN do this, and a brighter future is there for you and your children. Stay strong and just know that although this feels strange and wrong right now, it is the right thing to do for you and the kids.

Good luck xx

financialrecovery · 27/05/2021 12:39

Do not feel guilty about this.

Breathe.

You are doing the best thing for you and your family.

From past experience if you txt to say you're leaving, have your numbers you need already written on paper and take your sim out immediately. Snap it in half.
This is the stage where he is likely to txt/ring you back relentlessly and do the best he can to harass you into coming back.

The second you hit send he is likely to call or message back and even one message or call when you're feeling guilty, you can sometimes feel like you need to answer a question or two of a txt or call and then you're drawn into a conversation. The second you have sent that txt turn your phone of and snap your sim. That's the best thing you can do to protect yourself.

Block him beforehand on social media. I'll be thinking of you all day.

I have 3 children by 3 different dads. The first two were abusive. I'm through it now and my husband is wonderful.

mae2014 · 27/05/2021 12:55

You ok? Xxxx

trevthecat · 27/05/2021 13:13

Just want to say you are in my thoughts. Today is the beginning of a new life.

Queenie6655 · 27/05/2021 13:41

Even more reason to get out

Best of luck

Thinking of you all

Stay safe