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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a hand hold

377 replies

iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 18:38

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:
SengaMac · 26/05/2021 23:19

I think you probably do need to have some food to start you off.
Could your dad buy some for you and bring it when he picks you up?

Re-read this thread if you are wavering.
The incident with the leggings and your DD's comments are heart breaking.

Queenie6655 · 26/05/2021 23:19

Take your car

Please find a way to take it

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:19

I'm not sure how
I'm supposed to leave without the car. It's too obvious. Maybe drive nearby where my mum and dad will be waiting for me to take me to the refuge and then in my message where I explain I'm leaving tell him where the car is

OP posts:
thesunwillout · 26/05/2021 23:20

Hi
I couldn't not post.
I'll check back in with you tomorrow.

Don't falter, I've been through some god awful times but my daughter is an adult now.
I guess what I'm saying is, when I look back and all the things I've had to do to ensure she's cared for and safe, my god there's a relief and pride.

Your kids will be your best friends forever and will only ever be the most thankful for feeling safe and loved.

There's a future for you all.

Honestly.
Please keep strong, and even though you're not feeling it your determination will shine thru.

Best of luck xx

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:20

@SengaMac it is 😣

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 26/05/2021 23:21

@WorkHardPlayHard1

FGS - it's a crying face, not a laughing face!!

Queenie6655 · 26/05/2021 23:21

But the thing is - if he is stupid enough to do that OP could go to police and report all his abuse?
Tricky one
OP you. Do what you feel is easier to manage
You paid for it

Will be saying some prayers tonight that all goes ok

You are much stronger than you realise

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:22

You're all wonderful women. Thank you so much for your support. Even thought I feel a fraud. Something deep down slaps me into form. So should I take the car or not? Where does that land me legally?

OP posts:
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 26/05/2021 23:23

[quote AlmostSummer21]@WorkHardPlayHard1

FGS - it's a crying face, not a laughing face!![/quote]
Oh thank god! We're on the same side, OPs side. I sincerely hope she gets out asap xxx

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:23

Technically I could threaten to go to the police and reopen the case but I don't want to do that. As much as he's a shit, I'm not. I want to stay true to myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:24

Will be hard to
Send the message saying I'm leaving. But that I'm also keeping the car

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 26/05/2021 23:24

Wishing you all the luck for tomorrow OP, you CAN do it.

As for things to take: photographs/baby pictures of your children, children’s favourite toy or blanket. Chargers for any devices you need.

When I left the only think I took were photographs. It was the one thing I knew I could never replace so made sure I had those.

As for the car I have worked a long time in the motor trade and can tell you that the car being registered to him means very little, it does not make him the owner or legally entitled to the car in any way, it even says this on the logbook. You can also re-register the car to yourself and this can be done online. If you insure the car, make the payments for it, it’s yours! If he is a named driver of the car on your insurance policy please remove him from that ASAP. Consider perhaps adding your Dad to the policy instead so that your dad may pick up the car for you and drive it to you. If you have any issues with the car getting the car, or registering the car to you please PM me and I’ll be happy to help. For now though the car is not your main concern, this can be sorted after, please just concentrate on getting you and your children to your new safe and happy place!!

Hope you manage some sleep tonight. X

AlmostSummer21 · 26/05/2021 23:24

Take the car, put the girls toys & clothes in it, bedding,towels, lots of your stuff. If he notices, tell him you're doing a charity shop run.

Make sure you have things like photo albums, girls baby things etc. Sentimental stuff you'd be gutted not to have.

Enough4me · 26/05/2021 23:25

If the car and future payments (debt) is in his name I would leave it with him.

It sounds like he has put guilt onto you in an effort to make you seem like the one showing bad behaviour - using DARVO - he is very manipulate. When you get away completely block him.
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/05/2021 23:26

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto

You're all wonderful women. Thank you so much for your support. Even thought I feel a fraud. Something deep down slaps me into form. So should I take the car or not? Where does that land me legally?
Will you have any chance to speak to your womens aid officer before leaving? I think you need their advice on the car issue, but I'm concerned if you get hung up on that point you might let it hold you back from leaving.

They will be best advised to help you decide what to do I think?

If possible you of course want your car with you immediately, for loads of reasons and I totally understand that. But if it's a case of leaving without the car or staying with the car, you must still leave I think. It's gotten so bad and so bad for your girls too - it's heartbreaking and they need to be scooped up out of there tomorrow, however you manage to do that.

Queenie6655 · 26/05/2021 23:29

Take the car

Do not rouse his suscipsions

Talk us through your plan tomorrow
When does he leave the house?

SoLongSister · 26/05/2021 23:30

Well done for planning to leave OP. You are strong, you and your children deserve better than this and you will be okay.

Good luck Flowers

MadKittenWoman · 26/05/2021 23:30

Take the car. You need as much independence as you can. Good luck. X Thanks

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:32

@Lillygolightly so I can register the car to myself online? Please dm me x

OP posts:
CaviarAndCigarettes · 26/05/2021 23:32

I'll be here tomorrow night to hand hold

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:33

@Queenie6655 he's not. Just my luck he's been furloughed the next week or so

OP posts:
Queenie6655 · 26/05/2021 23:34

Ok
So you wake the girls up
Then what !
Why if he notices??

Just to say this is a risky time
You can do this just stay calm
Xxxxxx

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:35

Women's aid are calling me in the morning to confirm I'm still coming. They don't want to hold the flat unless I'm definitely coming. They won't tel me the address yet. They're meeting me at a nearby supermarket.

I'm upset I won't be able to take any of the girls toys

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:35

The girls are going to school. I'm going to pick them up and then leave

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 23:37

Once again. You're all incredible. Thank you so so much for the support. I will need you all tomorrow evening. Desperately. This is what stops me. The aftermath makes me feel sick with anxiety. I need help to cope

OP posts: