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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need a hand hold

377 replies

iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 26/05/2021 18:38

After almost two years of bullshit I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm booked into a refuge through women's aid.

So why do I feel guilty? I feel deceitful. I feel like a terrible person.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/07/2021 11:53

[quote iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto]@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yes reading that has certainly helped. When I said loyalty I didn't use the word as in he has my loyalty. What I mean is regardless of everything, for some unknown reason there are feelings involved. They don't just switch off. So yes I feel guilt. I imagine I am brainwashed and I am looking forward to the day that I see all that has happened through clear eyes. [/quote]
I'm glad it helps to remind yourself of the reality of the situation. You must keep focusing on that, it's vital. But the guilt you feel for having your daughters living with a sexual abuser surely outweighs any sort of guilt you feel about leaving him?! Hugely? If it doesn't (and I'm so sorry as this will be upsetting, but it clearly doesn't as you've gone back again and are still there with him) I really think you need to tell your social worker exactly what's happened and that you've gone back as you said earlier that the SW was happy to close your case but that was based on the situation then, not now. You are not able to make decisions that will keep your children safe at the moment. You are choosing to have them live with an abuser, a sexual, emotional and verbal abuser. Can you see that you either need to involve the police and / or social worker? I still can't understand why you won't involve the police. You can't do this alone. It's not possible as is clear from your attempts so far. So the alternative is continuing this appalling rollercoaster of leaving and returning with your kids in tow. They must be utterly exhausted, bewildered, insecure, frightened and anxious.

You can't adequately safeguard them if you're choosing to have a (sexually, emotionally and verbally) abusive man in your life and in your home.

RandomMess · 14/07/2021 12:13

It's almost certain that the op is trauma bonded to her partner.

That trauma bond and dependency is why it's so hard for victims to leave their partners. It's akin to Stockholm Syndrome.

I don't think any that have lived that path can truly know the fear of leaving absolutely everything they've ever known behind to go to a refuge and be in complete isolation. The fear of if they find you, what others think etc. Psychologically it is unbelievably hard to break away.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/07/2021 12:21

@RandomMess

It's almost certain that the op is trauma bonded to her partner.

That trauma bond and dependency is why it's so hard for victims to leave their partners. It's akin to Stockholm Syndrome.

I don't think any that have lived that path can truly know the fear of leaving absolutely everything they've ever known behind to go to a refuge and be in complete isolation. The fear of if they find you, what others think etc. Psychologically it is unbelievably hard to break away.

I totally appreciate that. And some of us have been through it and know that in that level of trauma bond, a parent often cannot make decisions in the best interests of their children. In this case, that means those children are living with a sexually, emotionally and verbally abusive man who has ripped their mums clothing to get at her body, held a lighter to her genitals etc. They are not being adequately safeguarded and as much as I feel desperately sorry for OP, they are priority and need to be somewhere safer than that house.
RandomMess · 14/07/2021 12:42

Absolutely.

OP could call social services herself and make it all very real and have their support to protect herself and her DC for that "man" well sexual abuser.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 16:14

Are you ok OP? Whatever has happened, or if you've decided to stay, I hope you are safe and lots of us are still here to provide support and suggestions if needed or wanted.

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 15/07/2021 17:34

I called women's aid today to arrange the refuge place. They did an assessment on the phone this time and based on what I've told them they've made another referral to social services. She did say it's a positive one in that it's not a concern about me protecting the children because by calling it shows I am acting protectively. So I imagine social services will now take it out of my hands and I'll have no choice but to stay at the refuge. Which is welcome to be honest, I definitely feel stronger this time but the social services involvement will just further reinforce that.

I am sad. But I know this is needed.

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 15/07/2021 17:56

Can I suggest not taking your phone with you when you leave? That would stop the constant contact you got before.

Just borrow or buy a cheap phone.

When I was in a refuge, it was years ago so I only had texts! I had 100+ calls over 3 days. I didn’t answer so they all went to voicemail including some of just sobbing but others of engine revving and pretending to crash the car. I didn’t listen to them for ages as I didn’t want to falter.

You will need to block him and keep blocking him on everything. My ex is blocked 12 times (different aliases) on FB. Everything I have is locked down but last year he started following my Strava account!!!! That’s after being divorced for over a decade... (he’s blocked on there too now).

You’ve got to keep ahead of him and deal quickly with each bit of his stupidity as it arises. You and we know what a twat he will be.

The refuge will be potentially grubby, noisy, boring and the upheaval upsetting and unpleasant. You’ve got to deal with it. It’s a few months that will pass and you’ve just got to get on with it.

RandomMess · 15/07/2021 18:08

Well done that's a huge step x

billy1966 · 15/07/2021 20:28

Well done OP.

👏👏👏

Adelais · 15/07/2021 21:08

Well done for talking women’s aid. You can do this.

Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 15/07/2021 21:41

The lady that did the assessment said she would pass it over to the staff at the actual refuge and they'd ring me but nobody has called. I expect they'll call in the morning

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 15/07/2021 22:03

@Hen2018 I have to take my phone, the girls dads, my mum etc I need to be contactable.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 15/07/2021 23:04

But if you buy a cheap phone and put in the essential numbers and text it to the girls fathers etc., you could turn the other one off but still be contactable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/07/2021 23:07

@billy1966

But if you buy a cheap phone and put in the essential numbers and text it to the girls fathers etc., you could turn the other one off but still be contactable.
This is a really good idea OP. A really, really good one that can safeguard you and help show social workers you really are taking this seriously and wanting the outcome to be different to previous times so putting in place measures to make that happen.
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 16/07/2021 00:39

I so so so so hope they call in the morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto · 16/07/2021 00:50

Anybody about? Would love a chat

OP posts:
Cantdoitallperfectly · 16/07/2021 01:03

Hey OP , how are you holding up?

username18702 · 16/07/2021 01:14

I'm about as well. Just finished watching a film. Hope you're ok.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 16/07/2021 08:06

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP?

FlowerArranger · 16/07/2021 08:14

@iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto
You don’t need a new phone - just a new SIM card.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/07/2021 16:57

Hi @iwanteggfriedricefuckingpronto just wanted to check in to see how you're getting on? Did you manage to get to the refuge safely? I hope so Thanks

Puditt · 19/07/2021 11:15

@youvegottenminuteslynn I doubt we'll be hearing from the op again. She most likely didnt follow through with it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/07/2021 11:54

[quote Puditt]@youvegottenminuteslynn I doubt we'll be hearing from the op again. She most likely didnt follow through with it.[/quote]
I really hope she did for her poor girls' sake. Such an awful situation for them to be going through.

OP I hope you're ok and that you managed to get away from him.

Your girls are priority, over any man. Please show them that at last.

Puditt · 19/07/2021 20:14

@youvegottenminuteslynn I really hope so too. I'm really worried too those poor girls and I wish threads like this meant mns had to do some digging into this instead of leaving it so open ended when possibly childrens welfare is at stake. The only thing we can presume is that if the op actually did end up with social services involved that they take over and help the girls out

billy1966 · 19/07/2021 20:54

I hope so too.
What a life for her and those children.