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Original poster

More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

999 replies

MoreLegsThanMe · 25/05/2021 22:41

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 09/06/2021 07:43

I believe you have given the divorce a lot of thought over the past months. I believe you are not rushing into anything, particularly if you are up on the legalities of what he can and can't insist happens with joint assets. I also completely understand the need to take control of the situation and not passively wait for him to choose to divorce you.

Maybe a list of pros and cons would assist you in making that decision? Thanks

TheSilveryPussycat · 09/06/2021 12:28

I would go ahead as soon as you can, but only up to decree nisi if you haven't sorted the finances. Once you have come to a joint decision, then apply for decree absolute, which ends the marriage.

I am not a lawyer, am going by my own experience, consult your SHL about this strategy.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/06/2021 17:19

You know, my BFF walked away from their house and it was later lost in bankruptcy as her bastard Ex stopped paying the mortgage and said he'd rather the bank take it than that she should get a penny. He sat in that house for 9 months without paying the mortgage until there was a forced sale by the bank. She couldn't afford rent AND the mortgage. .

She pretty much knew what he'd do when she decided to leave. She chose freedom, peace, and a calm rented home over (as she put it) 'just bricks and sticks'. She has no regrets to this day, even though she's never been able to buy another property.

R0SEMARY is an intelligent and educated woman. She knows what's important to her happiness and her future and she will make the decision that is right for her.

S111n20 · 09/06/2021 22:40

I don’t think your rushing at all as others have said YOU need to be in control now.

Grrrpredictivetex · 10/06/2021 08:40

Are threads mixing here (@Rosemary John learns to adult) and @Legs? I'm confused 🥴

Premier12 · 10/06/2021 09:03

I'm confused 🤷🏻‍♀️

Justilou1 · 10/06/2021 09:48

Yep - I’m lurking on Rosemary’s one too

AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2021 13:14

Oops! I need a spreadsheet.

Grrrpredictivetex · 10/06/2021 16:17

@AcrossthePond55

Oops! I need a spreadsheet.
😂😂
Premier12 · 10/06/2021 20:12

Hope you're ok legs

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 10/06/2021 22:13

Thank you x

Sorry for no reply last - our signal went down completely.

Came back from taking DD4 to school and there was the marriage certificate. I thought i would’ve been so happy to see it but instead it just a glaring memory of happier times and such promise. Seeing it has upset me so much more than I thought it would. It’s really really thrown me.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of him up and moving out on his “trial separation” so I’m going to issue then. Like I’ve said they probably look on June 11th as their anniversary.

Dug out about a ton of broken glass today and spent ages picking up cat poop where they’d been on the parts I’d made half-decent. I’ve also spotted some in the back garden that’ll need clearing tomorrow. I hate picking it up, especially as there’s always so much. There’s apparently an RSPB-approved cat scarer that doesn’t get bad reviews so maybe I’ll go for one of those, price permitting as ever.

I’m all upset with myself and edgy tonight.

x

OP posts:
CatChant · 10/06/2021 23:56

It's very natural to be upset MoreLegs. As you say, seeing the certificate brings back memories of happier times and also of all that you put into the marriage. You don't deserve any of the unhappiness he brought on you and none of this is your fault.

We'll be thinking of you and holding your hand virtually as you issue the petition. I hope it helps you feel more at peace with yourself.

That doesn't sound the most satisfying gardening session. There's not much I can say about broken glass other than wear gloves and it does eventually come to an end. The citrus-smelling cat repellants garden centres sell are quite effective I've found at deterring foxes and neighbours' cats from thinking a freshly dug bed is a lovely new toilet. I say neighbours' cats because mine are of the opinion that it is not nice to go outside and will batter the back door down to get to their litter box.

I was watching a documentary on Japanese gardens the other day. They were so, so beautiful. But when I saw the segment on Zen gravel gardens I was mystified - as I always am when I see a gravel garden - that every cat in the vicinity doesn't mistake them for the world's biggest litter tray.

It will be alright in the end, MoreLegs. It really will. Sleep tight, lovely and be kind to yourself. You are worth so much more than this selfish ingrate.

Onthedunes · 11/06/2021 00:19

I'm not surprised you are feeling on edge Legs, you are in the midst of so much change.

Change is frightening but you are learning to cope with that day by day.
You really are doing so well, you have conducted yourself with so much dignity.

A hand hold for your next steps.
Sleep tight.
x

OssieShowman · 11/06/2021 01:37

More Legs ... a tip about cats in your garden. Cats hate anything citrus. We put citrus peels in something like an old stocking. And put them around.
Well done to you, you have done so well. Move on the Grace to the next chapter in your life.

Billybagpuss · 11/06/2021 06:41

Hand holding, I can completely understand how it’s thrown you. We’re with you every step to the post box.

You could make a mosaic out of all the debris you’ve found, and if you have another think about the dog idea, cat problem solved. 😊

Justilou1 · 11/06/2021 06:58

I’m sorry you’re feeling upset. I must say it’s only human. Can’t imagine you’d be feeling elated @MoreLegsThanMe. Perhaps you could issue on the 11th and send the cat poo as an anniversary present… (anonymously)

Onthedunes · 11/06/2021 16:45

@Justilou1

That made me chuckle. Grin

bigbaggyeyes · 11/06/2021 18:28

I hated my exh, he was a
Cheating abusive arse, but I still shed a tear when my decree nisi came through. It's only natural op

Billybagpuss · 12/06/2021 06:51

I’m not one for hassling people for an update, but I’m guessing you had a big day with lots of emotions going on, sending hugs and support and hope you’re ok, and if you didn’t get it issued it’s no big deal you’ve got everything you need when you’re ready. 💐

Original poster
MoreLegsThanMe · 12/06/2021 07:33

Thank you x I can’t believe I’m being so babyish about this. I’ve thought and thought but can’t think of a single alternative. Is there one?

Yesterday was the anniversary of him leaving and I’d been determined to issue then but I couldn’t even do that could I.

x

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 12/06/2021 07:47

@MoreLegsThanMe

Thank you x I can’t believe I’m being so babyish about this. I’ve thought and thought but can’t think of a single alternative. Is there one?

Yesterday was the anniversary of him leaving and I’d been determined to issue then but I couldn’t even do that could I.

x

There are alternatives but this is the only option that gives you the control and doesn’t let him paint his own lovely scenario in his head, or worse, think that you’re still available for him to crawl back to when he’s done.

Maybe the poignant date wasn’t the right thing, it just made it all too big. It’s all ready to go, just take baby steps. First step, putting everything together in an envelope. Second step, moving envelope to table by front door ready to go. Then one day soon, you’ll pick it up and do it. It’s going to be resignation rather than anger that gets you to the post box when the time is right. And as pp have said, there’s no shame in shedding a tear, you were together for a very long time.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 12/06/2021 07:49

Well, if the marriage certificate HAD arrived a few weeks ago, then you could have thought the whole thing through, and issued the paperwork… but it didn’t…

You need time to mentally process this. Nobody is setting up a schedule. Just do it when you’re ready.

(Just a thought… how would you feel if he issued divorce proceedings before you did? I’m playing devil’s advocate here btw)

Perinono · 12/06/2021 08:49

MoreLegsThanMe, have you managed to get the petition ready and printed it, signed it or whatever needs doing to it, for it to be ready for the court and ready to send? Sorry, I don't know the process as I'm on the continent so it's different....
It's just I had mine prepared by the lawyer and ready to go almost 2 weeks ago now and due to a busy court, I'm STILL waiting on a date. Once we have a date from the court clerk, only then can the bailiff deliver the petition to my H (that's how it's done here).

Why I'm saying this is because I just wanted you to know, that once my petition was done and I had requested a few changes and agreed it with the lawyer, it was at that point that I COULDN'T WAIT for it to be slapped on my H.
I am nervously waiting at the moment for it to happen, lawyer was hoping yesterday but now it's looking like Monday and as soon as that happens the bailiff can be instructed.

Once I had made the decision, nothing at all is going to stop me now, as I know deep down in my soul it's the right thing and the only thing to do.
I just wondered if you perhaps had the petition all completely ready to file etc. if that would make you feel better and more sure? ...... you may of course be at that stage anyway and as others have rightly said, you might need more time which is your call. It's just you sound to me like you have made the choice and I wonder if being ready for it would help. Much courage to you xx

Justilou1 · 12/06/2021 09:06

You’re not a baby… You stood by everything you promised when you signed the thing certificate. You’re looking at visual proof of his lies and your shattered dreams. It’s bound to be a knife in the wound. Of course you need to process this and act in your own time. I do think it empowers you to be the one to MAKE the first step. If he files first, and you were to open your letterbox and receive his intentions to divorce by post, I think the shock would actually be very violent for you. It would be another HUGE kick in the guts for you and I think you stand to lose a lot of the strength you’ve gained for yourself lately if this were to happen.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/06/2021 15:23

@Justilou1

You’re not a baby… You stood by everything you promised when you signed the thing certificate. You’re looking at visual proof of his lies and your shattered dreams. It’s bound to be a knife in the wound. Of course you need to process this and act in your own time. I do think it empowers you to be the one to MAKE the first step. If he files first, and you were to open your letterbox and receive his intentions to divorce by post, I think the shock would actually be very violent for you. It would be another HUGE kick in the guts for you and I think you stand to lose a lot of the strength you’ve gained for yourself lately if this were to happen.
I agree with this!

Filing makes it all a bit too 'real'. There's a difference between knowing a thing in your head and actually seeing 'physical proof' of a thing like proof of process served or a responding filing by him.

But it is what it is. Waiting serves no purpose and is just putting off the inevitable as well as potentially giving up control of the process. I've always been a 'rip off the BandAid' person. Maybe it's time to rip off your BandAid.

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