More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

[MoreLegsThanMe]

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

You are so right - silence is best.
How could you put his huge betrayal into a few words ?

Silence leaves him with all the questions too.

You have left him not knowing anything about how you feel - what you are doing. He has no common ground with his children.

All those years of his life have come to nothing... because of his own fault.

You have the family you built and all the memories and delights you have retrieved from a life shared. Perhaps your past has a (small failed) man-shape cut out of it in places, but it is otherwise intact. You've all gone on to have a life he has no knowledge of and no way into.

His past is now a tumbleweeded wasteland.
He can't share memories of this with OW and her children. Why would they be interested?
That is a terrible loss. It will only get worse over time.

Yes - he deserves to be left in unsatisfied ignorance.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Thank you x

Decree Absolute arrived at 10.09 this morning. I think the time is burned into my brain already. Seeing it in black and white just really upset me. Over half my life wasted.

I haven’t sent any message to him at all. I decided silence was best because I could never say all that I want to say to him. So nothing.

DD2 told me she had something from him for Christmas. As we know, DD1 told him to bog off. I’m not sure about DD3. She’s very touchy if he’s mentioned so I’ve said nothing. DD4 and DS have nothing from him. His behaviour never changes does it.

At least now that I have the Absolute I can start next year afresh. So much has happened this year I sometimes wonder just how I’ve coped.

I just need to get through these next few days don’t I. And then of course January 10th, when he finally fucked off.

Sometimes I think I just can’t do this another day, but then I always do.

I just want to get rid of 2021 forever.

x

Over half your life hasn't been 'wasted' Legs. You have your beautiful children and a lifetime of memories with them and with those who do love you. And even the 'bad places' in our lives teach us valuable lessons, even if they're lessons we really wish we'd never had to learn.

"Sometimes I think I just can’t do this another day, but then I always do." And you should be so proud of yourself that you do!

Happy Christmas to you and your family, @MoreLegsThanMe

Thank you all so much x

It doesn’t feel like Christmas Eve for me.

Mr NM is off to spend Christmas Day with his two grown-up sons and ex-wife. I envy his relationship with her. They’ve remained good friends. I know I will never ever have that with my ex husband. That’s the first time I’ve referred to him as such.

I hope you all have the merriest of Christmas Days tomorrow. I will come back on Boxing Day to update.

Again, thank you all so much.

x

xxx @MoreLegsThanMe

The reasons for divorce are undoubtedly very different @MoreLegsThanMe. If there was no cheating and lying along the way, if they simply grew in different directions and wanted different things, then respect and friendship are possible. It’s not remotely logical in your situation. I can’t imagine your kids would understand or respect you for wanting that under the circumstances.

Happy Christmas @MoreLegsThanMe.

You’ve done so very well in the last year. You’ve come such a long way.

I’m a true believer in Karma. What you give, you get back in life…and that applies to him, too.

Merry Christmas to you and your kids legs.
I think this year will be a much happier one than the last 🌈

Just popping by to say how amazing you are Legs. You’ve been through an incredibly tough year, but nothing you’ve done has been wasted. You’re stronger than you knew and your children see that too. The new year will bring great things for you, I can feel it in my water!!

Mr NM sounds a genuine, respectable man who has been/is happy to contribute towards his children's upbringing etc.

Your exh and mine are the dregs of life who no longer have a relationship with their kids due to seeing the upset/the promises that never happened and the carnage they have caused by there actions.

These men will end up the lonely ones and rightly so.

Thank you so much, as always x

Well that is Christmas got through.hopefully next Christmas will be happier in general, and no Covid!

It turns out ExH visited DD3. I’m not sure when but probably this month. He gave her the presents for DD4 and DS. She said he stayed about an hour and she said what she wanted to say. He apologised over and over apparently. She told me she didn’t want to go into 2022 with this all hanging over her head. She told him she would never forgive and never forget.

@Justilou1 Mr NM and his wife it seems did grow apart and wanted different things. It was nothing like what happened with me. I can’t imagine ever speaking to ExH again, let alone being friendly towards him.

Last night was hard and right now is hard too. In bed, house quiet, just time to think…

The next, and final, “first” will be 10th January, the day he packed his shit and scuttled off forever. No doubt it’ll be hard too, but it will come and go like all the other firsts.

I do feel excruciatingly lonely tonight though. It feels like I’ve been so poorly, then Christmas has kind of rushed in, and now I’m able to take stock and realise I do feel quite alone tonight. Mr NM has his son for the next week, and I don’t like to message him when he has contact as it feels like I’m intruding on their time together. If he messages me I do respond of course, but it feels like it’s their time.

Moan, moan, moan…

x

Moan away! Hey, you've just gotten back on your feet after being horribly ill. Cut yourself some slack, chances are you aren't back to 'full strength' yet. Add in the universal 'post-holiday let down' and no wonder you aren't feeling terribly chipper.

So now he knows why the kids don’t want any crappy cookies or cake from him? I hope dd3 felt better for having been able to tell him. Did he realise how much he screwed up with everyone.

I hope you are able to do some nice things this week the in between days of Christmas are always tricky.

I’m really proud of your DD3 for giving him a piece of her mind. That’s a really timely and healthy thing to do. It obviously can’t have been words or a theory “fed” to her by you - I imagine that she will have told him that you have protected all of them from your own feelings. I also imagine that she has definitely let him know how she feels about him protecting his OWN feelings from everyone else’s as well. I hope he takes a good, hard look at himself and sees who he really is through the eyes of you and his children.

Glad you've made it through MoreLegs, that's another big tick off your list.

Hoping the covid hasn't left you too knackered either. I've been astounded at the number of people on my social media and local to me who tested positive on Xmas eve, Xmas day etc.

We've chosen a very quiet Christmas this year, we've made it this far without getting it, and we'd like to keep it that way if we can.

So..... New year New thread required? Get thinking about the big fat positive title you're going to choose!!

Thank you x

DD3 went back to her place this afternoon. She’ll be back on NYE even though we don’t really celebrate at all. NY has always just been another day really.

It’s funny but I’ve spent a lot of time today thinking about ExH. I have no idea why my brain does it. I’m quite sure he never ever thinks about me or his DC.

I wanted to ask DD3 if he’d mentioned me at all during their conversation. I wanted to ask her about every single thing that was talked about. But of course I didn’t ask anything. She’s an adult and entitled to conversations I don’t know about. But it’s hard!

Writing this has made me realise I’ve missed the anniversary of her coming to the house and doing her fishwife impression (at least I think I have. I think it was December 28th she did it). I’ll never forget what was said and he just stood there clearing snow off his car. Like a twat. He never said a word. Then when she left he came in like nothing had happened. I know now of course that it was probably orchestrated so that I’d throw him out on the spot. They probably stood there outside laughing at me and planning their next move. Probably pissed off that their attempt failed.

I hope one day that I won’t ever remember all this stuff but I think I always will. Bit by bit they were dismantling thirty-eight years of my life.

And now I’m nearly a year on. I imagine their happy life in the Beautiful Home. Laughing and joking like nothing’s happened. Sex on tap. No children to worry about or (in his case anyway) pay for. The world must be their oyster.

Next month I am treating myself to new bed linen and curtains. I’d only recently bought a new bed before he ‘came home’ so I obviously can’t justify buying another, but I’ll have the bed linen I want without having to think about what anyone else might think of it. It’s only a little thing but it’ll help. He’s slept under this duvet and used these pillows, so getting rid will be like erasing more or less the last of his DNA in this house.

Thank you for listening again. I do seem to be back in self pity mode don’t I. And I am sorry.

x

Have you considered re painting. Getting some fresh paint on the walls might help you feel like a proper fresh start in the new year. Xx

You missed an anniversary that is huge and the first step towards taking your headspace back. You only really have one anniversary left. Way back in the beginning we said it takes a year and a day to really start healing.

You have come so far already, now for goodness sake take off those rose tinted glasses when you look at his life, and even if he is content, who cares, he’s selfish and has a blow up dick, no job (I bet she lurves supporting him financially that was never in the dream) you have a lovely new man that you didn’t get together with under a mantle of deceit and you have sex with someone loving and giving. Happy new year legs because I really think for you it will be.

I don’t know why you think they’re happy. How CAN they be? She must be disappointed that he’s not Mr Big Earner with a pump-action Willy. He’s soggy, old and on the couch all the time with opinions and no money. What a catch!

Definitely treat yourself to new bedding, new pillows etc.

Make replacing old items something you do every other month as long as you can afford it.

Although the hurt is still there at what they have done. Have faith that along your up and down path life will get better. I am a great believer of karma, just give it time.

May 2022 be an onwards & upwards year for you and your family x

I wish you a much happier year ahead - and return of your headspace!

If it helps - he really can't be all that happy. The grass may look greener but think about his nature. Is he naturally happy with a tendency to uplife those around him? If things aren't going his way - how will he react?

He has spent this year trying and failing to have any meaningful contact with his children (or you). He has struggled to win them all back. This is huge in itself but also for the way he sees himself and for the way he is seen by others.

He is not a candidate for dad of the year and doesn't come across as a natural hard-worker, so I assume those attempts to get forgiveness/contact really are for his own sake rather than for theirs.

Failure on this scale and after effort will be a constant nagging pain.

@WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream

This post is quite illuminating.

I agree, your ex is probably not the optomist that lifted everyones spirits.
These types that bugger off to 'find' their happiness are the ones that never gave it, they expected it.

His whole approach to reigniting his relationshipwith his children shows that. Minimal effort but expects a lot back and forgiveness to boot.

Reality never sits well with these types, his new partner will have to be the boyant one and from her past actions it seems to me that she appears pretty self entitled, so thats going to become more difficult as time passes, she will be expecting equality of feelings, and they both can't keep that up.

I bet he's wallowing in it but still not understanding why he feels like that.
He's the type never to question whether it could have been him in the wrong and looking inwardly to making things better. He looked outside of the marriage to fix his selfishness and I wonder how long it will take to realise, he was the problem.

You Legs have nothing to fix.

Take care x

Next month I am treating myself to new bed linen and curtains. I’d only recently bought a new bed before he ‘came home’ so I obviously can’t justify buying another, but I’ll have the bed linen I want without having to think about what anyone else might think of it. It’s only a little thing but it’ll help. He’s slept under this duvet and used these pillows, so getting rid will be like erasing more or less the last of his DNA in this house.

There's no such thing as a 'little thing' when it comes to banishing demons from our homes. Every gesture or replacement, no matter how small it appears to be is 'another brick in the wall'. When I kicked my ex out, the only thing I could afford to do was rearrange the furniture and take down some ugly pictures. But even that was satisfying and was something I wouldn't have been able to do 'without approval'.

Celebrate, even the 'little things'.

Thank you x

I’m not sure why I assume they’re happy to be honest. I guess it’s because I think they should be after all they’ve done and all the lives ruined. If they did all that and weren’t happy at the end of it what the fuck was it all for? Does that make sense?

And the sex part - he’d not had sex in eight years so again my imagination tells me that they must be at it like rabbits, making up for lost time.

@doitwithlove I have a list of things I want to change/replace and I like your idea of changing something every month. I’m determined to start in my bedroom and get that fresh and new.

I went out today just as far as the supermarket. DD4 will be working on Friday this week as the shop is of course closed Saturday and Sunday. Taking her there and back will be all I do in the car til after New Year.

I think she and DS are over Covid now. I’ve been left with really horrible drenching sweats which only happen at night. A few times now I’ve had to turn the duvet to try and dry it, as well as changing my nightie/jamas. They wake me up and I feel really feverish while I’m having them. Yuk. I might speak to the doctor if they go in for say another week or so. I don’t like to be a nuisance though, and I’m sure he can’t give me anything for them.

Do you make a big thing out of New Year’s Eve? That and New Year’s Day are just another day for me. I usually take the tree and decorations down but it seems a shame because they’ve only all been up since the 22nd! I can’t decide.

I think of them toasting the new year and it makes me feel sick.

x

The covid sweat thing I’m waiting for them to add as a side effect. I’d finished menopause but after my jabs the sweats came back. I didn’t make the link until other friends mentioned the same thing. I guess actually having covid makes it worse. I haven’t had a flush for a while now so hopefully back to normal again. I used to sleep on a towel it got so bad.

Pleased you’re feeling better otherwise though.

Nye this year the dcs are going out so I’m looking forward to an early night although we will be woken up by fireworks at midnight. Nyd is dd birthday but she doesn’t seem to want to do anything so will probably take dog for a long walk.