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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

More Legs chapter three - the one where there’s a little light at the end of the tunnel

999 replies

MoreLegsThanMe · 25/05/2021 22:41

New thread. Can’t believe I’ve got to three.

It’s a good chance I think that they’ll stick together, happy or not. They’ve given away absolutely everything (although she still sees her children) so they do need each other don’t they.

I have my fingers crossed for the marriage certificate tomorrow. I really believe he thinks I wouldn’t go ahead with it. I also think it might prompt a flurry of messages asking what he’s supposed to do. Bloody pay a solicitor that’s what you can do.

I think of the two of us I will come out the other side better than him. I have the support of his family, all the DC, and you wonderful women. He has her and that’s it. I don’t know about her family and I’m sure as can be that the pair of them have created yet another lie as the backstory to how they met. Can’t exactly tell the truth can they. ANC in a few short years he’ll be 70. Yuk.

It still doesn’t feel like I’ll be better off at the end but I’m hoping that feeling will come.

If anyone knows how to link this thread to the old one can you let me know please?

x

OP posts:
doitwithlove · 30/12/2021 09:20

Hi legs,

I've not been out much due to recovering from Covid (I experienced the sweats whilst poorly with covid, unsure if it is related) Speak to your doctor if they continue, could it be the menopause?

Bedroom is a good place to start, I started there and worked my way through. I found Very a good place to buy goods (online) as they have the option to pay over 3mths for larger items - interest free

New year here is very quiet, takeaway & bed by 10.30 - 11 tops. I have never enjoyed new Year, nothing changes on new years day - same situations, just a different day.

The tree etc came down yesterday as I wanted the space back. Try not to waste your thoughts on them cretins toasting another year or having sex, with any luck they will both have the covid virus that is doing the rounds everywhere.

Give yourself a pat on the back to how far you have come. We all to often forget how well we have dealt with the situations that we find ourselves in.

Onwards & upwards my love x

MoreLegsThanMe · 30/12/2021 23:55

Thank you x

Onwards and upwards indeed @doitwithlove. I’ll be glad to say goodbye to the worst year of my life. I just hope 2022 is kinder to me and the DC.

The sweats are continuing. I did have menopause-related sweats til I started HRT, but they ‘felt’ different. While I’m having these I feel feverish and ill. I woke up with an awful pain in the back of my neck last night too.

Did they disappear for you after you started to feel better from Covid? I really don’t want to bother my GP so after reading what you’ve said, and what @Billybagpuss says about having them after her jabs, I’ll give it another fortnight before I contact him. Hopefully they’ll disappear before then..

I’m really trying not to think about them, and I certainly don’t do it constantly like at the beginning, but I’d say they still invade my thoughts at least once every day. Do you think that’s normal? When I do think of them now it’s not the terrible upset like it used to be, it’s just absolute hate. I’ve surprised myself at how much I do hate him. It’s showing no signs of waning either. Maybe some wounds just don’t heal and I’ll always feel like this.

x

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 31/12/2021 01:50

@MoreLegsThanMe - I have a feeling that he knows he’s dug his own grave and he’s stuck there. As for her, well… She’s probably got a pretty shit reputation too.

Onthedunes · 31/12/2021 03:16

That's the thing Legs, hating someone you have loved for so long feels so alien.

We all when in relationships have those feelings within us, to a lesser degree.

But a betrayal really stops dead that alternating of love and hate.

Hate dominates, but it wears itself out, it cannot keep burning forever.
It's not wrong to feel hate, let it come and pass over you, in time it will lessen though.

I think part of the problem is you want them to feel just a bit of that hate but they don't, hate didn't come into it for them, they have no idea how destructive it is upon your soul.

Time eases things Legs, your illness and problems are still things he will go through, he is not immune in that bubble, the pains of normal life will still affect him.

His problems will come I've no doubt, but he will not feel as safe and in comfortably company as you do.
You have your children, your blood, your home, everthing he has is new and unfamiliar, and when crap arrives, as it always does when older, he will feel isolated, you can't try when you feel ill for example.

The familiarity of close family is one of the best comforters as you get older, not needing to try, to relax in the knowledge you are loved and they love you, unconditional love. Heaven.

He's placed himself in the role of a young man with aims and demands that a new relationship brings, uncertainty and newness, now why would anyone in their right minds do that at his age.

I still think he's made a very stupid choice.
I think one day he's going to understand what hate feels like, mark my words.
xx

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 31/12/2021 08:28

My ex SIL still has so much venom for my DBro 18 years after they divorced… She was the one that went off and had an affair too! I don’t know how she keeps it up. It must be exhausting.

Hate is a good thing to have occasionally, but it needn’t or should take up too much of your time and effort. Someone has already said that you should pause…think about it….accept you hate him (and her) to the moon and back…and then get on with your day.

Far more healthy!

Our mind plays a big part in our recuperation too. Don’t let it jump to conclusions!

Just because he left you for someone else does not mean that he is happier. In fact you have surmised that his set up is probably pretty awful, but his pride and ego won’t ever let him admit that.

I hope you and your family have a much much better year in 2022.

(Time to start a new thread if you need one @MoreLegsThanMe)

doitwithlove · 31/12/2021 21:40

Hi legs,

My sweats appeared to have disappeared after the fever went. Good idea to give it a few more weeks & see how you go.

Definitely onwards and upwards to 2022, how has your day been?

Saw the grand kids today first time since mid December due to us having Covid. The visit was a success then an early curry, couple glasses of wine and bed shortly.

Sending you & yours a healthy, successful 2022.

Hold your head up high & remember how far you have come 💐

thaimoon · 31/12/2021 22:59

Happy new year legs. Wishing you a 2022 with more joy than sadness

MoreLegsThanMe · 31/12/2021 23:49

Thank you all so much x

We seem to have filled this thread just in time - new year, new thread!

Today was quiet - I did some washing, took DD4 to work, bit of cleaning then a sit down with DD3 when she arrived.

Takeaway later although two of us still can’t really taste very well. Everyone’s now in bed.

I’d been having trouble with the garage door for a while and last time we tried to open it the thing wouldn’t budge. Had to get a man out who repaired it and oiled and so on. He said the problem had started because ExH backed his car into it some time ago and it bent some bar things inside which gradually lost their shape more and more until in the end they looked banana-shaped and wouldn’t go in and out of the holes they were meant to. I sent ExH a copy of the invoice and suggested he contribute because it was his fault (he of course never bothered doing anything about it while he was still here - too lazy, Legs will sort it was always his attitude about everything). He’s read the message and completely ignored it.

Suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything else really. If he won’t contribute to his DC’s school uniform he’ll hardly pay for a broken garage door will he. More fool me for suggesting he do the decent thing.

Thank you all so very much for everything over this last year. You’ve kept me going and picked me up and listened to more whining and complaining than anyone should ever have to. Wish I could thank you all individually, but do please know I couldn’t have done from 19th January 2021 without you.

x

OP posts:
MoreLegsThanMe · 31/12/2021 23:50

Oops. It was of course 10th January….

OP posts:
WhitePhantom · 01/01/2022 01:31

Best wishes for a wonderful 2022 Legs! This time last year I had never heard of you, and now I check in every night to see how you're getting on, and cheer you on from afar 😊

Much love from a total stranger who has great admiration for you x

Justilou1 · 01/01/2022 02:14

I wonder if you emailled cc’ed FIL and attached receipts, etc to Mr Floppy if you’d get better results. You could start the email with…
“Since you’ve ignored every request so far…”

RobertsRadio · 01/01/2022 10:49

Happy New Year to you and your Children @MoreLegsThanMe.

WitchDancer · 01/01/2022 11:37

Happy New Year Legs!

KeziaOAP · 01/01/2022 12:28

Wishing you and your family a healthy and Happy New Year Legs.

JackieQueen · 01/01/2022 12:28

Happy new year legs! Wine

Mumek · 01/01/2022 13:02

Wishing you and yours a Very Happy New Year LegsWine

Onthedunes · 01/01/2022 16:11

Happy New Year Legs to you and your family Wine

AcrossthePond55 · 01/01/2022 16:44

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie

My ex SIL still has so much venom for my DBro 18 years after they divorced… She was the one that went off and had an affair too! I don’t know how she keeps it up. It must be exhausting.

Hate is a good thing to have occasionally, but it needn’t or should take up too much of your time and effort. Someone has already said that you should pause…think about it….accept you hate him (and her) to the moon and back…and then get on with your day.

Far more healthy!

Our mind plays a big part in our recuperation too. Don’t let it jump to conclusions!

Just because he left you for someone else does not mean that he is happier. In fact you have surmised that his set up is probably pretty awful, but his pride and ego won’t ever let him admit that.

I hope you and your family have a much much better year in 2022.

(Time to start a new thread if you need one @MoreLegsThanMe)

Often the guilty party hates and torments the innocent party simply because they are a reminder of their guilt and betrayal, and they simply cannot accept that they, themselves, are at fault. They have to believe themselves blameless or justified because their ego won't allow them to do otherwise. So they have to vilify that person and turn them into the villain of the piece so that they themselves can become the 'innocent' victim.
m1shap3 · 01/01/2022 18:39

Happy new year x

Icanflyhigh · 01/01/2022 19:33

Happy new year Legs xx

MoreLegsThanMe · 01/01/2022 23:59

Thank you all so much x

So many New Year wishes. I have so few in RL. Yours are so much appreciated. I wish you all as much happiness as possible this year, good health and good times.

Today was another quiet day, as will tomorrow be. The tree and decorations are coming down on Monday. I imagine it will be a slow process with a lot of sitting down and having rests factored in. The three of us will tackle it together. We are still tiring easily. Thanks Covid.

Tuesday DD4 and DS go back to school. It will be very strange and quiet here then, considering the three of us have spent virtually the last month together.

I need to start a new thread if I can think of a title….can someone explain how to link it to this one so it can be found? I’m pretty sure I asked this question before too, when starting this thread. Apologies in advance if I did.

x

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 02/01/2022 04:20

Happy New Year @MoreLegsThanMe - I’m away atm. (Rather remote, so patchy internet.) How about More Legs Gains Momentum? More Legs Finds Her Feet? Something like that???

Twitchynose · 02/01/2022 11:23

Hopefully link to new thread works
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4442137-More-Legs-chapter-four-the-one-where-life-begins-again-There-s-a-whole-world-out-there
Wishing you a much better 2022 Legs, I’m sure it will be.

TheWeeDonkeyFella · 02/01/2022 11:55

Happy New Year Legs - and all the others supporting on the thread Wine.

You'll soon pass the last of the 'firsts' you were dreading last year and have come through them all, stronger and wiser! Best wishes for 2022 and the opportunities it may bring.

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